Monday, May 6, 2013

Ch 10: Obstacles, feels like the world is trying to hold me back from being myself



Busy weekend,

Got a lot done around the house, painting and moving furniture around etc.  My legs are burning, though I guess it's a good 'burn' seeing as it just shows how much I am out of shape.  Hope everyone had a great weekend as well, another busy week this week. 

Today, I have to say that I am tired, and not doing so well on the inside.  While I won't point fingers or name names, I will say that in those instances where I feel like I am 'forced' to present as a guy still is when I get the most anxious and depressed.  At this point it feels more than ever like I am lying to the world and not being allowed to be my true self.  Now I know in certain instances this may be discrimination, but it's a fine line to walk between making sure you keep friends and present yourself 'appropriately' and being able to express your own individual personality.

I know the day will come when I can do both with ease, and will no longer have this issue, but for now I think I am just impatient.  While I in general now consider everything I wear as 'female' clothes, there are definitely shirts and slacks that when I get a chance I may just have a big old bon-fire and purge myself of who I used to be, to as I referred to earlier be reborn.  I also know the name change and the 'she' and 'he's' are going to be hard for other people to get used to.  But at the same time I can tell you happily that I went out to dinner this weekend dressed as I wanted, got some funny looks and a few people who would stare.  But no one said anything inappropriate, granted it's a public setting with a lot of people and I had people present who were supportive of me, but I was happy to be able to not hide, to be myself and while I probably attracted some unwanted attention I was more relaxed and not as anxious being my true self.

I guess I just wish everyone would see the benefit to me not having to hide and that I would be happier, more productive and generally overall healthier if I could be true to myself in all facets of my life.  I suppose others in their ignorance, or fear are unable to see the positive side, and afraid of the change feel they have to put their 'foot' down.  I'm sure each situation has it's own motivators, and this is why it is hard to navigate and explain exactly how to handle situations or what steps to take, but I hope in writing you can see my story and learn from my mistakes and successes to be able to apply them to your own lives when needed.

I'm going to try to write again tonight, but just wanted to post something this morning on how I was doing as I had a busy weekend and wasn't able to write.  I intended to before I went to sleep but by the time I laid down, I was so tired, I just fell asleep.  I suppose this is another benefit of hard work and exercise, a good nights sleep, now if only I could do it on a regular basis and still fit the million things I need to do into every day.

to be continued...
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