Ch 22: Laid off - Journal Entry 1

Hello Everyone,

   I know it's been a few days since I last wrote.  Tuesday I believe, after getting laid off I had a lot on my mind and wasn't feeling up to writing in the past couple days.  Guess I went back into a small depression, which is completely normal given the situation but still I was unmotivated and having a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings probably because as I write about this it brings tears to my eyes to think about the feelings I've had over the last few days.

   Today is going to be more of a journal entry than an actual post, but I think this one at least is more about writing for myself and talking about what my rollercoaster of feelings has been in the last few days.  At first when I found out, I have to say I kind of expected it, but regardless it still sucked.  I came home Tuesday, talked to a lot of my friends and family, reached out knowing I needed help to bring myself away from the edge of the abyss.  Which I did, and was able to change the topic, I sat and read and did research and wrote about my seven answers to the questions in the previous chapter.  I looked at the social construct of money and the idea of creating out own community and was optimistic about the future.

   Unfortunately I woke up Wednesday and that optimism didn't last as long as I would have liked.  I spent the day applying to jobs all across the US, LinkedIn has been a good source of easily finding a bunch of jobs that I can apply for quite simply and quickly.  I looked at some more research and thought about writing, talked to my friends quite a bit, decided that I think I may put up one of my own videos asking for donations towards my medical procedures from strangers so at least I may not have to worry about that.  Financially though I'm not too worried outside of not being able to afford the vacation we wanted to this summer, or the additional procedures, hair removal and saving towards surgery for next year.  All in all though those things aren't earth shattering as I have dealt with my differences for years and can continue a while longer until something else comes along.  Either way my friend was very nice to offer to help edit and put together a short video for me, which I'm hoping to put together over the next couple weeks.  So I dwelled on the issue, fell in on myself and talked to people about how I was feeling.

   Wednesday evening I had class, not having to work, I took the time to shave my legs with an actual razor and not just the electrical one and wore my skirt and wig to class.  I would say through the class it was about 33% good, 33% neutral and 33% weird looks / possibly hostile.  Of course none of the hostile ones said anything directly too me, and my friend sitting near me turned around and said, 'don't worry it's going to be ok.'  So it's nice to know others are looking out for me and have my back, plus in an educated setting I didn't expect people to be as 'close minded' as in other settings so I thought it was a rather safe environment.  I do have to say with long hair one thing I never thought of is how much more difficult it is to drive with your perifrial view diminished.   And I had to stop and get gas, which was nerve racking but uneventful.

   Thursday I got up and went in to my routine dentist appointment early in the morning, was happy to be confronted with a very nice office of people.  I mentioned to the lady at the front desk that I was petitioning for a name change and she took the note to keep in my file.  The hygienist who brought me in asked if I wanted to change my photo they had on file 'in consideration of my situation' as the photo they have has me with a few days facial hair growth.  Of course I didn't really spend a lot of time making myself up for a photo so I said that we could wait until another time but the sentiment was very nice.  The hygienist who came in to work with me for my cleaning was also very nice and started chatting about the changes I was going through, recorded my preferred name, and proceeded to tell me all about all the strange things she views being a female entails.  While I didn't agree with all her points it was nice to have someone sit there and chat with me, or too me as my mouth usually had some sort of cleaning utensil in it so she did most of the talking, hehe, anyway I'm saying it was nice for her to treat me as one of the girls.

   From the dentists, I went down and stopped at the courthouse, went into the probate office to fill out the name change request officially.  Found out I needed cash as they wouldn't take a check, so I had to leave and go to the bank and come back.  Filled out the forms required and got a court date for the hearing on July 10th.  Not such a long wait, and the only requirement they wanted to see the copy of my birth certificate which I had with me, and then stated that I have to write letters to my wife, parents and creditors over $1,000 explaining the name change request.  I haven't written the letters yet, but I do have a month to get them out, though it doesn't seem like a big deal as everyone except my creditors knows already.  Then when the official change happens the pain in the butt part begins changing my information on bills, licenses, and any documents that come to me.  At least I've tried to ease the process by changing my name on my personal networks already.

   Thursday evening I immersed myself in League of Legends, trying to release and forget the world and my problems for a little while.  Sometimes though it can make me more upset.  lol.  The game is supposed to be fun, but I'm at the point where I'm trying to move up in 'rank' and the system is very difficult to climb the ranks, so when I get teamates that are horrible and I lose a few games in a row I usually have to walk away as at that point I'm just getting mad at the game.  And if the game is making me mad, well then it's not fun and not serving its purpose.

   Friday morning I met with Big Brothers Big Sisters to go over my new match.  It was a very pleasant conversation, though I think I talked too long and kept the girl interviewing me a little longer than she had planned.  Oh well, I think she understood my 'excitement' to talk and share my experiences.  I was also pleased to find out that I think this time they are going to match me as a Big Sister, which to me is just another step in validating my true self.  I also got an email from one of my friends I go to my Masters courses with on Wednesday evenings that said she thought I was very pretty in what I chose to wear on Wednesday evening.  So I got a small swell of self-confidence from that.  Then Friday evening I was back at my game, trying to win my way up the ranks.

   Yesterday I slept in till about noon, after I staid up playing games way too late Friday evening.  And I spent most of the day playing with the dogs, my games, spending time with my wife, we went grocery shopping, and went out and saw the Hangover 3.  Movie review: better than Hangover 2, but still didn't have the same fall on the floor laughing from shock and surprise as the first one did, of course this is because after two of them in the third one you kind of expect something crazy to happen.

   And today, more games, and then I spent almost five hours on an Accounting exam that was due tonight.  Don't know if I did it all 100% correct or in the format the teacher wants, but I know I did well enough to the point that if I had to deal with a similar situation in the real world as the problems presented to me I would know enough to be able to create the statements needed.  I find a lot of times I get points off for listing journal entries or something that they didn't want or that were irrelevant to what the question was asking, though I've always felt listing more is better than less.  Either way those types of things don't usually come up in the real world, as you usually have a supervisor or a historic document to go by to determine which activities are actually material to the information at hand.

   Sorry for rambling, and sorry for not writing the last few days, I'll put more up shortly about my experiences and also the type of community and world I hope we can create together.  Sometimes we get sidetracked and in part of my own journey I had to take a couple days to try to straiten my own thoughts and feelings out.

Hope everyone is well,

To be continued...