Sunday, May 26, 2013
Ch 22: Laid off - Journal Entry 1
Hello Everyone,
I know it's been a few days since I last wrote. Tuesday I believe, after getting laid off I had a lot on my mind and wasn't feeling up to writing in the past couple days. Guess I went back into a small depression, which is completely normal given the situation but still I was unmotivated and having a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings probably because as I write about this it brings tears to my eyes to think about the feelings I've had over the last few days.
Today is going to be more of a journal entry than an actual post, but I think this one at least is more about writing for myself and talking about what my rollercoaster of feelings has been in the last few days. At first when I found out, I have to say I kind of expected it, but regardless it still sucked. I came home Tuesday, talked to a lot of my friends and family, reached out knowing I needed help to bring myself away from the edge of the abyss. Which I did, and was able to change the topic, I sat and read and did research and wrote about my seven answers to the questions in the previous chapter. I looked at the social construct of money and the idea of creating out own community and was optimistic about the future.
Unfortunately I woke up Wednesday and that optimism didn't last as long as I would have liked. I spent the day applying to jobs all across the US, LinkedIn has been a good source of easily finding a bunch of jobs that I can apply for quite simply and quickly. I looked at some more research and thought about writing, talked to my friends quite a bit, decided that I think I may put up one of my own videos asking for donations towards my medical procedures from strangers so at least I may not have to worry about that. Financially though I'm not too worried outside of not being able to afford the vacation we wanted to this summer, or the additional procedures, hair removal and saving towards surgery for next year. All in all though those things aren't earth shattering as I have dealt with my differences for years and can continue a while longer until something else comes along. Either way my friend was very nice to offer to help edit and put together a short video for me, which I'm hoping to put together over the next couple weeks. So I dwelled on the issue, fell in on myself and talked to people about how I was feeling.
Wednesday evening I had class, not having to work, I took the time to shave my legs with an actual razor and not just the electrical one and wore my skirt and wig to class. I would say through the class it was about 33% good, 33% neutral and 33% weird looks / possibly hostile. Of course none of the hostile ones said anything directly too me, and my friend sitting near me turned around and said, 'don't worry it's going to be ok.' So it's nice to know others are looking out for me and have my back, plus in an educated setting I didn't expect people to be as 'close minded' as in other settings so I thought it was a rather safe environment. I do have to say with long hair one thing I never thought of is how much more difficult it is to drive with your perifrial view diminished. And I had to stop and get gas, which was nerve racking but uneventful.
Thursday I got up and went in to my routine dentist appointment early in the morning, was happy to be confronted with a very nice office of people. I mentioned to the lady at the front desk that I was petitioning for a name change and she took the note to keep in my file. The hygienist who brought me in asked if I wanted to change my photo they had on file 'in consideration of my situation' as the photo they have has me with a few days facial hair growth. Of course I didn't really spend a lot of time making myself up for a photo so I said that we could wait until another time but the sentiment was very nice. The hygienist who came in to work with me for my cleaning was also very nice and started chatting about the changes I was going through, recorded my preferred name, and proceeded to tell me all about all the strange things she views being a female entails. While I didn't agree with all her points it was nice to have someone sit there and chat with me, or too me as my mouth usually had some sort of cleaning utensil in it so she did most of the talking, hehe, anyway I'm saying it was nice for her to treat me as one of the girls.
From the dentists, I went down and stopped at the courthouse, went into the probate office to fill out the name change request officially. Found out I needed cash as they wouldn't take a check, so I had to leave and go to the bank and come back. Filled out the forms required and got a court date for the hearing on July 10th. Not such a long wait, and the only requirement they wanted to see the copy of my birth certificate which I had with me, and then stated that I have to write letters to my wife, parents and creditors over $1,000 explaining the name change request. I haven't written the letters yet, but I do have a month to get them out, though it doesn't seem like a big deal as everyone except my creditors knows already. Then when the official change happens the pain in the butt part begins changing my information on bills, licenses, and any documents that come to me. At least I've tried to ease the process by changing my name on my personal networks already.
Thursday evening I immersed myself in League of Legends, trying to release and forget the world and my problems for a little while. Sometimes though it can make me more upset. lol. The game is supposed to be fun, but I'm at the point where I'm trying to move up in 'rank' and the system is very difficult to climb the ranks, so when I get teamates that are horrible and I lose a few games in a row I usually have to walk away as at that point I'm just getting mad at the game. And if the game is making me mad, well then it's not fun and not serving its purpose.
Friday morning I met with Big Brothers Big Sisters to go over my new match. It was a very pleasant conversation, though I think I talked too long and kept the girl interviewing me a little longer than she had planned. Oh well, I think she understood my 'excitement' to talk and share my experiences. I was also pleased to find out that I think this time they are going to match me as a Big Sister, which to me is just another step in validating my true self. I also got an email from one of my friends I go to my Masters courses with on Wednesday evenings that said she thought I was very pretty in what I chose to wear on Wednesday evening. So I got a small swell of self-confidence from that. Then Friday evening I was back at my game, trying to win my way up the ranks.
Yesterday I slept in till about noon, after I staid up playing games way too late Friday evening. And I spent most of the day playing with the dogs, my games, spending time with my wife, we went grocery shopping, and went out and saw the Hangover 3. Movie review: better than Hangover 2, but still didn't have the same fall on the floor laughing from shock and surprise as the first one did, of course this is because after two of them in the third one you kind of expect something crazy to happen.
And today, more games, and then I spent almost five hours on an Accounting exam that was due tonight. Don't know if I did it all 100% correct or in the format the teacher wants, but I know I did well enough to the point that if I had to deal with a similar situation in the real world as the problems presented to me I would know enough to be able to create the statements needed. I find a lot of times I get points off for listing journal entries or something that they didn't want or that were irrelevant to what the question was asking, though I've always felt listing more is better than less. Either way those types of things don't usually come up in the real world, as you usually have a supervisor or a historic document to go by to determine which activities are actually material to the information at hand.
Sorry for rambling, and sorry for not writing the last few days, I'll put more up shortly about my experiences and also the type of community and world I hope we can create together. Sometimes we get sidetracked and in part of my own journey I had to take a couple days to try to straiten my own thoughts and feelings out.
Hope everyone is well,
To be continued...
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Ch 21: We Happy Trans Becca's 7 Questions - Let's change the world
Hello fello trans, family, friends and followers,
Today I will start by letting you all know that I was laid off from my job yesterday. I won't talk much about it as I don't want to write anything that would get me in to trouble other than it happened. I work as an accountant and have a close friend who grew up on a farm and currently works as an engineer. After losing my job yesterday I started thinking about the whole social structure about society as a whole and how the world operates. I reached out and talked to friends and others for support. I'll be honest I went to an online crisis worker to talk out my issues and calm myself down backing away from the edge of the proverbial cliff.
And I decided today would be a good day to do my 7 Questions:
We Happy Trans - 7 Questions Rebecca A
1) What’s your name? Chosen or otherwise. Now, beyond your name, I personally don’t really care how you identify. I’m not entirely comfortable with defining myself in the terms we’re given, and I kind of enjoying watching my mind struggle to gender someone. It’s an automatic habit, and not one I care to assist. However, if it’s important to you to be know as a trans man or woman, cross-dresser, queer, androgynous, non-binary, or whatever, or if you want people to use certain pronouns when referring to you in comments or discussion, go ahead and lay those on us. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
My name is Rebecca, and I am female heart and soul ;).
2) Who has been most supportive of your transition? If you haven’t started transition, who’s been most supportive of your gender expression, questioning or explorations?
My wife and my mother have been most supportive and been available to talk to and lend an ear when times get tough.
3) What do most enjoy about your life since beginning transition? That is, what are some of the things you love doing now, that you couldn’t do before? And if you’re not there yet, what about the possibility of transition excites you the most? What do you look forward to?
I look forward to and am happy with beginning to express and be myself. I was in pain, tired of hiding and am really glad at the positive mood boost I have had since starting hormones and beginning to tell and express my true self to others I know and some I don't know.
4) Who are your trans role models? or Who have you looked up to in the trans community? Who inspires you? Whether it’s someone you know, or someone you’ve admired from afar, this is your chance to give a shout out.
My friend Jen is a big help, she is also MtF and honestly I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met her, she's a great guidance, mentor and helps a lot with preparing me for changes to come. I am also a big fan of all of the heads of the social movements, look up to Jen Richards and others like her.
5) What change(s) would you most like to see in the world? This can be trans related, or not, but we’d love to know where your passion lies.
Ok, now this is probably the area I have the longest response for, I want to start by defining some terms:
"Crowdsourcing is, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the practice of obtaining needed services, ideas, or content by soliciting contributions from a large group of people, and especially from an online community, rather than from traditional employees or suppliers.[1] Often used to subdivide tedious work or to fund-raise startup companies and charities, this process can occur both online and offline.[2] It combines the efforts of crowds of self-identified volunteers or part-time workers, where each one on their own initiative adds a small portion that combines into a greater result. Crowdsourcing is different from an ordinary outsourcing since it is a task or problem that is outsourced to an undefined public rather than to a specific, named group," (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowdsourcing).
"The Venus Project is an organization that proposes a feasible plan of action for social change, one that works towards a peaceful and sustainable global civilization. It outlines an alternative to strive toward where human rights are no longer paper proclamations but a way of life," (http://www.thevenusproject.com/).
You can also watch their video which is really interesting on the website too.
"The Hutterites are a communal people, living on hundreds of scattered bruderhöfe or colonies throughout the prairies of northwestern North America. On average, fifteen families live and work on the typical Hutterite colony, where they farm, raise livestock and produce manufactured goods for sustenance," (http://www.hutterites.org/).
Now Trans related, looking at these examples, we see thriving societies within themselves, we talk a lot about the social and economic problems faced by trans individuals but little about how to improve the position and/ or eliminate them completely. My suggestion and belief is that as a community we can come together and help each other create our own living space, our own living community, and eventually become self-sustaining. In pooling our resources and knowledge, along with the fact that trans are generally considered to have above average intelligence why do we continue to let others determine our future? Why do we run in the rat race? Why not change the rules and start working towards making our own safe haven, our own community and bringing together people from all walks of life to share their skills and benefit us all.
6) What are you doing to make those changes happen? That’s right all, no getting off the hook! We’re all in this big ol’ mess together, and we each need to do our part. Share with us how you’re the change you want to see.
What am I doing? I am proposing an idea, blogging and trying to pull together all of the research and information I find to have one central source of information on transgender issues and what steps to take in the process. I am hoping I can change the world and the way we look at things and begin the discussion and hopefully one day I may be seen as a revolutionary for coming up with an idea that has practiced examples that we can use as a foundation for our own community.
And finally, magical number 7, tell us something, anything, special and unique about you, your interests, your story. Never forget, gender is just one part of the larger project of becoming a fully authentic human being.
Something interesting, hmmm... I'm a gamer, currently play League of Legends and GW2. I work in the accounting field, which is kind of a terribly boring and 'stiff' job for someone with our creativity, but I love the work I do. And as you've read above I really hope I can be a drop in the pond that does start some change in the world.
Once Again I ask for help, response and ideas on how to make my dream of a trans community a reality, please reach out, offer your support and ideas anyway you can, and let me know if your interested. As the only real thing a community project needs is people to create the community. I have faith in the kindness and love of our society, and believe if we work together we can make our own destiny.
to be continued...
Monday, May 20, 2013
Ch 20: Why being a good MtF trans is not necesarrily a 'good' thing
Hello All,
I came across a couple very interesting articles today, first I'll talk about the idea of being a 'good' transgender individual. With the trans stereotype of transgender individuals being oversexed, and 'easy' the perception is that we are all street-walkers. Which of course is not the case, and in many instances it was found that transgender individuals have above average intelligence. While based on circumstances a higher proportion of our population than any other population works in the sex industry many who do work in the industry wouldn't do so if they could make a living another way.
Below is a link, I couldn't figure out how to embed the video so the link will have to do for now of Bailey Jay. While she works in the sex industry the video itself comes from We Happy Trans and is a very honest and truthful depiction of why she chooses this sort of lifestyle. There are many females and males who do the same when they find that they can't make the money and living they want to any other way. Personally I don't look down on people like this, but at the same time we have to remember that these people are the exception not the rule:
7 Questions – Bailey Jay | We Happy Trans
Anyway, back to the discussion of 'good' and 'bad' trans, so the article I found is entitled 'I'm a Transwoman and I'm not interested in being one of the 'Good Ones.'
"My friend thought his acquaintance might be able to give me some tips on surviving as a trans woman. I was thrilled. Here, I though, was someone who had the answers. Surely she would be able to point me in the right direction. We had arranged to meet in a coffee shop. In my excitement I arrived an hour early. It was going to be awesome.
What actually happened was that she showed up and asked why I wasn't dressed like a woman. I was wearing skinny jeans, a studded belt, and an ironic t-shirt. I liked how I looked. I looked, in my opinion, like a queer woman in her mid-twenties on her day off, which, shockingly, I was.
But no, I was informed, I wasn't being a woman right.
She was neither the first nor the last person to inform me that I'm doing it wrong. There was I woman I met soon after moving back up to Boston in 2011. She had transitioned in her teens and most folks wouldn't know she was trans unless she wanted to tell them. She had a real heart for women who were just starting transition, but she had expectations for those people. She couldn't stand 'bricks.' She explained that bricks were women who looked "like a man in a dress." A cinderblock was even worse. A trans guy who was too femme was feathery.
I've been told that if I'd only start pitching my voice up, or stop wearing pants, or start wearing make up, I could totally pass, that no one would have to know the shameful secret that I'm a trans person.
There's another side too. In college I asked the instructor of a Women's Studies course I took if she could recommend any reading on trans issues. She suggested Sheila Jeffreys' 2005 book 'Beauty and Misogyny,' which contains a delightful chapter in which Jeffreys uses pornography depicting young trans women of color to explain why there's no such thing as trans and how trans women(no mention of trans men or non-binary folks for some reason) are actually evil, essentially pornographic simulacra reinforcing harmful gender tropes.
It's a great double bind. If you present in a traditionally feminine way, you're just being a misogynistic parody of a woman, and if you fail to present in a traditionally feminine way, well ha! There's the proof that you're not really a woman right there.
And even if you are "really a woman," that might not be enough. At a Christmas party last December a Smith alumna defended Smith's decision not to accept trans feminine students by explaining that even if trans women were women, they had still been socialized as boys and men, and that Smith, as a safe space for women and trans men, had a right to defend their students from such people, from the inexorcisable specter of their privilege.
I know women who identify as "heterosexual with a transgender history." They're trying so hard to get away.
But you know what's worse than being somebody's idea of a bad tranny? Being somebody's idea of a good tranny, an acceptable tranny," (http://www.autostraddle.com/im-a-trans-woman-and-im-not-interested-in-being-one-of-the-good-ones-172570/)
Now you can start to see the reasoning behind why the words and language we use to describe ourselves is so important. As the author states we are in a double bind where if we aren't girl enough we aren't living up to the expectation of what we are supposed to be and therefore not women at all. But if we are over the top girly then we can enter the world of being considered a tranny who may be expected to do sexual favors, or have other equally horrible forms of discrimination pointed at us.
In Pakistan we see this trend emerging, basically because homosexuality is outlawed men who like other men or who are indeed transgender both have to either transition or be put to death for kissing or having relations with another man. On the other hand Pakistan is reveled as their laws came to accept transgender individuals as a 'third' gender.
"In Pakistan, there are an estimated 500,000 "eunuchs" -- a community of castrated men, hermaphrodites, transsexuals, transvestites and homosexuals, traditionally paid to help celebrate the birth of a son or to dance at weddings.
When the Supreme Court in 2009 recognised them as a "third gender", ordering they be issued with separate identity cards, it was hailed as a landmark decision in a nation battling enormous human rights abuses and chronic violence.
But in a country where sexual relations outside marriage are taboo and homosexuality is illegal, transgender people are treated as sex objects and often become the victims of assault, ending up as little more than beggars," (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/18/pakistan-transgender-political-candidates-_n_3106370.html?utm_hp_ref=transgender).
In other countries, primarily the United Kingdom, Ireland and Scotland the policy has been in place and it is accepted to transition but it has been found through law that if the transgender individual does not disclose their identity before intimate relations occurs then they can be persecuted under fraud. Basically disclaiming the claim that a transitioned individual is actually a woman or man when they are done transitioning. They also have a rule that if a married individual finds out that their partner is transgender in the first three years of marriage that is automatically grounds for marriage annulment assuming the partner did not know beforehand. So, for being themselves they are persecuted as being fraudulent, given probation, community service and in rare cases jail time. This seems highly unfair, however on the other hand, the other individuals argument is that they can be traumatized and have long lasting affects from having relations with someone they thought was a 'man' or 'woman' but was indeed trans. This opens the grounds for the discussion on what constitutes gender and who's rights should be protected. But with rulings like this it invalidates any meaning an individual had from being affirmed as female or male in the first place.
In previous chapters we talked about how many individuals even after fully transitioning put that part of their lives behind them and live fully as a male or female depending on the situation. By hiding their past they are committing fraud? Committing a crime? I would argue they are just being who they are, somehow I don't think that seems right. Though I guess I am biased as I am gender dysphoric myself.
to be continued...
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Ch 19: Spiritual Journey of Trans and the conversation of Love
Hello, hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend,
Last time I wrote I left you with a little 'cliff-hanger' on my first girlfriend. In speaking about emotions it opened me to remembering this experience of naive behavior that I had when I was about fourteen, a freshman in high-school and head-over-heals for this girl. Now the reality of the situation is I had no idea what love was or what was happening or what a relationship meant. And honestly the relationship itself lasted a week and all we did was hold hands and pass notes in class and talk on the phone. But I suppose that is how all relationships have to start, phone, written world and reaching out to hold each others hand in support.
Either way, I remember walking around that week with my head held high with a stupid grin on my face because I felt and believed that this girl 'loved' or really liked me. And in my belief, I was amazed that I could find someone in the world that would want to be a part of my life and like me that much. In a way I look back at it and think I was very much the 'girl' in not really knowing what to do, not understanding that there were likely other expectations of kissing, hugging and other things that I just really didn't know how to even initiate never mind what to do after the initiation. So, I was a hopeless romantic and she moved on to the next boy, but that relationship left me jaded in some ways, I cried for almost two days after she broke up with me and don't think still to this day I have ever truly fully let my guard down. Not that I don't want to, but just the barrier we build in a way to protect ourselves from being hurt like that again begins to be built. Don't get me wrong I love and express my love to my wife, I just don't think I leave myself completely vulnerable to her in every way. I'm not dependent on her as we are a team now, and can and should be able to operate both together and as individuals.
Once again we segway nicely to the next topic, now I know a lot of people don't like talking about spirituality and everyone has their own beliefs. But today I watched Kumare, watched a few of the 7 questions projects on We Happy Trans, and then started watching the ABC show Scandal, where the main character says something to the effect of, 'I come to you not to save you from persecution but from personal experience to let you know that who we love, and who we are is something that shouldn't have to be a secret.' In the show she is talking to an ex-military individual who was gay, and would have to reveal being gay in order to corroborate his alibi.
Now in looking at this military individuals case he viewed being gay as shameful, that he was publicly republican, a war hero and possibly going to be running for Senate at some point in the future. That having it publicly known that he was gay somehow tarnished his reputation and changed who he was. But we all have to find that strength in ourselves and say to the world, "Here I Am!" We all do it in our own way, some of us with more stealth than others, but in the end the reaction and what we want from society is the same. We want them to view us as who we are inside, who we have always known ourselves to be, but have been too afraid to show the world because the skin we are in doesn't match who our spirit is.
So, spiritually in going through this experience we look at Kumare, a man trying to find his own spirituality through others in trying to portray his best self. " 'When I was creating Kumare, who is this guy going to be, I was looking at the big ones, Jesus, Buddah, what did they say? What did they do? And the one thing I couldn't get down with that they could was saying that they had authority,' Gandhi explained. 'Kumare was about saying he didn't have authority.'
Kumare's message was simple: The only guru you need is inside yourself -- that's the cornerstone of Kumare's invented 'mirror philosophy.'
'I wanted to sort of tell a cautionary tale about spiritual leaders,' he said. 'We trick ourselves to believe them so we can be happier too, so this was just sort of trying to unveil the trick.'
Gandhi said he would tell every yoga class, and repeatedly tell his band of followers, that Kumare was not real, that he was no more a guru than the people in front of him.
'People often thought that was a riddle because the accent, because of the robe and because of what we are programmed to think as a holy man,' he said. 'It might be naïve, but I think everybody has a similar potential to be wise and good,' " (http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/kumare-fake-guru-exposes-real-desperate-desire/story?id=16980674#.UZgyzMoTTBQ).
But just as we being trans are inside someone else by gender, why is it not the same for everyone? Why do we not all have this potential locked within ourselves, held back by fear and discrimination? This is not an issue exclusive to the trans or gender dysphoric community, it is an issue that is universally understood. We all want to be able to unlock our true selves to put our best foot forward and turn the other cheek, but we make mistakes and we have a hard time allowing our true and 'best' selves to come out because of the fear that keeps it hidden inside.
Well, I say that we can no longer be afraid, that fighting among ourselves as trans, gender dysphoric, cross-dressers, gay, lesbian and straight alike. It is time for the 'true' ideal and idea behind the word communism comes to the forefront, any of you who know what I'm talking about may find it hard to believe that the human race or humans as a species may ever be ready for this idea. Now I'm not talking about communism in the sense of Russia under Stalin, or China with a central government that controls all property and everything. But a commune in which we as a people across the world come together to not hate, to love and help each other, because we are more effective and efficient if we share ideas and can trust each other than we are if we fear and hate each other. Honestly my goal in making the world a better place is to hopefully see a day where we can work together, where the economy isn't about who has the most money or stuff, but in helping feed, house, cloth, and prosper the world by elevating the people to work together.
to be continued ...
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Ch 18: MtF PMS
So, for probably the past three days now I have to say I feel like I'm getting my first PMS. Granted there is no menstruation so it can't be a literal PMS, but I have had slight headaches, cramping and bloating, hard time concentrating and just overall emotional variations. While I've been taking a level does, perhaps some of it is mental but my wife and both of my female co-workers are all on their period so it almost feels as if I have 'synced' up.
On one hand it feels kind of neat, on the other hand it's a pain in the butt. Now there is no scientific data to back up these feelings but a number of MtF individuals have reported similar experiences. For all those genetic females out there I now know some of what you feel and don't blame you at all for being your cranky selves. I would be too if mother nature was messing with me like that. Heck I kind of am, probably not to the extreme some women feel but all the same it is something.
"Exactly what causes premenstrual syndrome is unknown, but several factors may contribute to the condition:
- Cyclic changes in hormones. Signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome change with hormonal fluctuations and disappear with pregnancy and menopause.
- Chemical changes in the brain. Fluctuations of serotonin, a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that is thought to play a crucial role in mood states, could trigger PMS symptoms. Insufficient amounts of serotonin may contribute to premenstrual depression, as well as to fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems.
- Depression. Some women with severe premenstrual syndrome have undiagnosed depression, though depression alone does not cause all of the symptoms.
- Stress. Stress can aggravate some of your PMS symptoms.
- Poor eating habits. Some PMS symptoms have been linked to low levels of vitamins and minerals. Other possible contributors to PMS include eating a lot of salty foods, which may cause fluid retention, and drinking alcohol and caffeinated beverages, which may cause mood and energy level disturbances," (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome/DS00134).
Still, you don't have to let these problems control your life. Treatments and lifestyle adjustments can help you reduce or manage the signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome,"(http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome/DS00134).
As you can see from the above definition though there is nothing linking the PMS even though it's consider pre-menstrual to the actual menstruation. The changes that cause the differences are largely or most commonly accepted as being a change in hormones, brain chemicals and overall personal care. So given this it would seem that my evaluation of myself, while again not a professional opinion appears to be accurate. As it is likely that I am going through hormone level changes and the estrogen itself does cause differences in brain activity, the likelihood that I would have similar symptoms is great.
Ok, so today's topic seems to surround emotional changes and hormones, in being emotional I was artistic again today and am going to share a couple poems I wrote:
Them:
We are them,
the few,
the misunderstood,
the lost,
and confused,
We are them,
searching for ourselves,
our outside appearances not matching who we are on the inside,
and wishing the world will accept us as we are,
We are them,
in finding ourselves,
accepting ourselves,
and becoming externally who we are internally,
We are them,
searching,
finding,
accepting and being set free.
Misunderstood:
How can I explain to you a feeling,
something inside,
so innate and core to who I am,
that doesn't match how I appear,
doesn't match how I sound,
or how you view me,
But I know who the true me is,
Why is it so hard to accept that you may not have to understand,
Just trust that I know what is best for me.
Princess:
I sparkle and twirl,
dance and frolic,
put on my gown,
my makeup,
and do my hair,
I am pretty,
enjoying my reflection in the mirror,
and then place my tiara on my head,
only to be caught,
I hear,
"What are you doing?"
"Your not a girl."
and I sigh wondering if my dream can ever be a reality.
So, in discussing emotions and the vast range, even my wife has been saying it's a pleasure for her because she can read my face better than when I was male. Not that the emotions aren't there for guys as well, they are just subdued, I thought I was an emotional male and may have been but on estrogen the feelings and emotions are amplified. In talking and writing about this it reminds me of how I was with the girl I considered my first girlfriend...
to be continued...
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Ch 17: Importance of a Name and the Adjectives used
Hope everyone had a wonderful day,
First thank you to all my wonderful readers. We officially moved passed 1000 views early this morning. My first milestone, not only to write to help myself but hoping that I will reach out to the community and be able to help others by pulling together the resources needed and trying to find in my own research answers to the most common questions along with a centralized location to find the information. While I have mixed in my personal story and have let you know that this is an opinion blog largely, I hope that my opinions are well structured so even if you don't agree with them you can see the logic behind the idea.
Today I would like to talk about the importance of a name. "Theirs [Transgender individuals] are among hundreds of names a Manhattan court has changed over the last few years for transgender New Yorkers. That tally, specialists in the relatively new field of transgender law say, may make the borough’s workaday Civil Court one of the country’s biggest official name swappers — male names for female, vice versa and ambiguous.
Changing a name might seem like a minor matter for those who are changing their gender identities and, for some, facing challenges like finding knowledgeable doctors, trying hormones and experimenting with painful hair-removal procedures. But many who have gone through the switch say a name change sends an important message to the world, a message solidified and made official with a court’s approval," (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/25/nyregion/25namechange.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0).
This conversation of names came up, while I won't give specifics because of confidentiality I will say that I went to group for the first time, decided to reach out to PFLAG. They work in collaboration and with TNET, PFLAG stands for parents, family, friends and allies of gay, lesbian and transgender individuals. I more point out the source of the discussion as a resource to be sought out and used by anyone else who can use it, and more importantly for those who are transgender individuals to give you a forum and place to not only get support but to also inform the parents, friends, family and allies of what it actually is that you are going through. These insights can be extremely helpful for others who may be having a hard time grasping the effect and meaning that their own child is gay, lesbian or transgendered but when looking at a third party and in hearing your story they can more easily relate and in doing so correspond what you are going through to what their child may be feeling. While it is not necessarily the same, children when first discovering these feelings are often battling with internal self-doubt and denial, so for parents to have a resource to be able to get the information and education needed this is the first step towards open acceptance and equality.
So, the importance of the name, as the NY Times article above points out it is for you as the individual the transgendered person a symbol. While the process in and of itself may not be as difficult as some of the other processes we go through the symbol and the meaning behind it gives you validity that you are who you say you are and that's how you want to be viewed by the rest of the world. It's not a wish-washy decision, it is set in stone and in order to be undone would involve having another court hearing in front of a judge.
To go along with the name, the pronouns used, the he's, she's, girl, boy, male, female pronouns are extremely important. While at first some may not mind the occasional slip up the immense joy of being called by one's 'rightful' name cannot be measured. It is also something that many transgender individuals will make a point to correct others and get upset when a mistake is made. In the end though each individual will have their own timetable and be prepared in their own time to want to be referred to in a certain way.
to be continued...
Monday, May 13, 2013
Ch 16: Puberty the teenage horror story and how many trans hide from the world
I'm sorry I didn't post this weekend, it's funny how it works I find more time during the week to sit and write than I do during the weekend when I have the whole day to myself. I guess it's a routine thing, the structure of the day helps time not get away from me. Where as the weekend there is no set schedule so it's easy to lose yourself in a project and not realize the whole day has passed you by. It's all relative really, the older you get the faster time goes because you've experienced more of it.
That and this weekend I was rather down on myself. I was excited about a few things, and I'll just say sometimes even if your ready and excited other people in your life may not be ready. I understand the fact that my loved ones are losing 'the male' they knew and that I am slowly changing into someone else. But as we stated before in any relationship regardless of transgender or not change is inevitable as people grow and expand they change.
This segways nicely into todays topic of change. "[E]veryday Transsexual Teens go through a real life horror story called puberty. Body Parts are turning into something foreign to them. Voices are changing, things are growing. They are becoming their worst nightmare right inside of their own skin, something repulsive to them. Its sheer terror. Meanwhile their peers are going through the same thing but its different for them. They embrace their metamorphosis as the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Their minds and bodies become one. This is not the case of the Transsexual teen.
In the movies at least the victim at least has other characters to share their terror with. In real life though transsexual teens often go through their horror alone. Most dare not share what's happening to them. They dare not tell their homophobic parents and most have few if any real friends. Most school counselors are ill trained and overcome with their own prejudices to be helpful. The terror is the same whether its for male to female (MTF) Transsexuals or female to males. Who do they tell? Imagine the terror as a Teen FTM has monthly periods and an MTF Transsexual has nocturnal erections. Who will quiet their nightmares?
Teenage years are difficult enough for everyone. It certainly is no picnic even for a psychologically healthy kid. A transsexual teen though does not have this advantage. Their minds and bodies are not in harmony with each other. Most have know this from their earliest memories at the age of four or five. Growing up knowing you are a different gender than what you appear is the essence of a living nightmare," (http://www.lauras-playground.com/horror_films.htm).
I understand the sentiment behind this statement, while being a guy I didn't go through it to quite the degree it is stating I can imagine for a FtM individual it would be very distressing to grow breasts that they felt were not supposed to be there. While as a 14 year old boy with my parents divorcing, I had a surge of hormones, but my body didn't change much from what it had already been. I had been dealing with the inner feelings my whole life and had come to learn how to hide them to be generally accepted in public, by friends, family and everyone I knew. I based who I was off of their expectations and not my own.
"If my mail is any indication though, there is an entire group of people who rarely see the light of day. They spend their lives or a good part of them in their homes with the shades drawn, their ears pricked for every sound that someone might be coming. They are ready to change in a moments notice all to avoid the specter of disapproval and in some cases even death.
Some Transsexuals in transition go to work in their new gender as Required in the Real Life Test (RLT), they legally change their names and are subjected to daily harassment and unpleasant gossip by their co-workers. Yet after work they are at home instead of living their lives as every other citizen seems to have the right to do.
Sadder yet is that this exile is often self imposed. Its a way to avoid the taunts that many of us have endured since childhood. Those that pass in the other gender usually live stealth where no one knows their secret. Those that don't pass are likely Vitamin D deficient from the absence of sunlight that touches our bodies," (http://www.lauras-playground.com/hiding_dark.htm).
Even those of us who are open and true about ourselves, usually face harsh resistance from the world. Many of the people in our lives are as I said before not ready for the steps we ourselves may be ready to take. In having such a different and varying world a lot of times even if we come out and tell everyone our intentions it feels like we are taking one step forward and ten steps back. Facing roadblocks, inequality standards and harassment at every turn.
To me it is like a character in a game I play, he is a scarecrow who uses the crows he attracts to kill his enemies. There is a comic strip that shows a bunch of the girl characters of the game having a birthday party, and the scarecrow breaks out of the cake in an attempt to destroy those who had put him in the 'evil' light. Some of you may know this better from watching Wreck it Ralph, where the cartoon character was tired of being the 'bad-guy' and wanted to win a metal to prove that he could change his colors. In the end sometimes it's that simple, and as the ending to the scarecrow story goes, 'He just wanted a birthday party.'
So we as a people are demonized, stereotyped into something we are not, afraid of the world and all that it holds it is no wonder that we hide. It is funny too as the quote above states that even after we are finished our transitions, those of us who decide to not have genital surgery hide our own secret and those of us who do, hide our past. Why is it so shameful for us to be who we are? I'm not sure, but I think it has more to do with the inability of others to understand us, rather than how well we understand ourselves.
to be continued ...
Friday, May 10, 2013
Ch 15: Ready to start Transition? General steps and procedures
In discussions today now that we have talked about coming out, and what that entails I thought I would talk about the general steps involved in a transition. Generally speaking someone looking to transition should likely be in counseling for three to six months before being recommended to a endocrinologist. At which point the individual should discuss the transition process with their PCP and be referred to an endocrinologist if they intend to start hormone therapy. Now the endocrinologist I went to then wanted me to see an actual psychologist for confirmation, this is not always the case, but in some cases to work with a local doctor they want to make sure you are certain and get a second opinion before you start taking 'drugs' that will alter your mind and body.
Now it is possible to start or have started the living as a female or male one year requirement, though under insurances sometimes for surgery for FtM they require a twenty-four month period. Not really sure why the difference in time just that that's what the insurance I have requires for reimbursement. Personally I have been on hormones now five months, and will likely start being 'full-time' with wig and name change sometime at the beginning of July. That gives me twelve months plus before my planned surgery in or about September 2014. Surgery itself can involve facial augmentation, breast implants and the vaginoplasty. Personally I'm hoping I only need the vaginoplasty.
Recovery time for surgery is generally a minimum of two weeks before normal tasks can be undertaken and treatment is ongoing for cleanliness and to make sure no complications occur. At that point the only thing left to do is either hope your hair on your head grows out or continue to wear a wig, and for those who are hairy they may need to have some form of hair removal done to be considered passable. Name changes and gender change procedures for licenses and birth certificates are different by the laws of each state.
So, Hormones, most common is some sort of estrogen, estrodial being the most common and some sort of androgen blocker like spironolactone. The androgen blocker acts to inhibit the release of testosterone to reduce its affects on the body and let the estrogen become the primary hormone in the body. Now the controversial hormone or one that isn't always used is Progesterone, while some argue that the added breast growth happens naturally and there are no proven additional side affects beyond what estrogen already causes, others believe the risks outweigh the advantages.
"Background on Normal Natal Female Breast development.
Soucasaux (2003) provides a useful but brief overview of natal female breast development but there are many more online articles. Natal female breast development starts in female puberty that precedes the start of menstruation (menarche). Natal means that the female designation was determined at birth. Breast development proceeds in 5 anatomical stages know as the Tanner Stages of breast development (Tanner 1981, 2010) based on nipple and breast structure.
The two primary tissues in the breast that undergo development are the lobular (milk-producing lobes) and ductwork (milk delivery) tissues. Lobes are made up of clusters of acini (from the Latin for berry because of they form clusters like blackberries on a vine) which are the milk-producing structures. The acini are also called alveoli. During Tanner Stages 1-4 breast development and growth is mediated by estrogen and influences primarily the ductwork tissue. Tanner stage 5 extends into early adulthood and may not be completed until pregnancy.
From Soucasaux (2003)While the risks associated with progesterone can be various in nature and each case should be taken in a case by case basis. It seems the largely accepted practice is to start on one medicine, monitor the reaction, increase dosage and allow the body to get used to the adjustments slowly. This allows the doctor to make adjustments as needed and stop the intake of the hormones if something in the process goes wrong or a side affect shows up.
But once MtF individuals reach a given stage of breast growth where the estrogen isn't going to naturally boost breast growth further the risks of progesterone should be measured against those of implant surgery. Generally speaking without the science to back it up and with lack of studies on the area there is no proven increased risk beyond the side affects estrogen already causes. That being said we don't know if it will compound some of the possible risk areas or increase the chances beyond what the estrogen already causes. In either case there are risks with implant surgeries as well, and personally if I can naturally grow my breasts to a 'normal' size without implants I would rather have that option given to me than be forced to spend a lot of money on a surgery I probably wouldn't need.
"So should MTF TS take Progesterone as part of HRT? The answer, like a lot of medical decisions, is that endocrinologists and patients should discuss the risks and benefits and make a decision and then to carefully monitor the results. To include progesterone in MTF TS HRT runs the risks of potential serious side effects. To not include progesterone runs the risk of having unsatisfactory breast development that leads to the breast augmentation surgical risks including loss of sensitivity, pain, absorption and encapsulation (Pitanguy, 2007; vanElk, et al. 2009 Kaasa, T. et al. 2010; Araco, A. 2011, Walters, 2012). The 50% risk of needing to have breast augmentation is clearly too high. There is not currently enough information to make these decisions with formal quantified risk assessments because of the dearth of published scientific evidenced-based research. We can, with some certainty, rule out advice to otherwise non-underweight patients to gain weight in order to have bigger breasts because of the well-established risks of being overweight. At the risk of repeating, given the dearth of research results and the resulting unquantified risks, we can conclude with great certainty that MTF TS HRT should not be undertaken without careful monitoring by an endocrinologist experienced in this area.
Finally, we ought to be researching and considering new, innovative approaches to MTF TS transition such as:
• Should progesterone be given on a menstrual-cycle-like schedule during HRT to mimic natal female development? (I am told some do-it-yourselfers actually use this approach.)
• Should progesterone be given after several years of non-progesterone HRT when estrogen development stops, just as natal female breast development occurs with menstrual and pregnancy progesterone? This would require objective measurement of breast size and growth that is not consistently done at present. Cup size is just too inaccurate. Breast “sizers” (Pitanguy, 2007) or laser metrology may do the trick.
• Should HRT be the initial part of transition? Why not just start with breast augmentation without hormones, followed by Sexual Reconstructive Surgery and then HRT? This would reduce the potential risks from testosterone blockers. (I am told this is compatible with WPATH guidelines and has already been use with some patients.)," (http://biopsychologytstg.cniib.com/Biopsychology_TSTG/?p=83).
to be continued...
(P.S. sorry for any typos, I'm not proofing these or editing them a lot before posting them for reading, I hope any misstatements or typos are minimal enough that the intended message is still being received.)
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Ch 14: Gender Dysphoria as a physical condition and how it leads to other mental conditions
I hope everyone is doing well today,
In talking to others and doing some research and looking at my own situation today I looked at the prevalence of personality disorders which are a mental condition among transgender individuals. Because generally the gender dysphoria itself isn't considered a mental issue, and is a fixable physical issue, or is at least starting to be viewed that way. But in either case, the issues that surround being transgender generally cause stress, anxiety, depression and other issues which are viewed as mental issues.
"Sex is assigned at birth, refers to one’s biological status as either male or female, and is associated primarily with physical attributes such as chromosomes, hormone prevalence, and external and internal anatomy. Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for boys and men or girls and women. These influence the ways that people act, interact, and feel about themselves. While aspects of biological sex are similar across different cultures, aspects of gender may differ. Various conditions that lead to atypical development of physical sex characteristics are collectively referred to as intersex conditions," (http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf).
The statistics said that at least for transgender individuals who also have a chemical dependency they have almost double the likelihood of having some other type of personality disorder. The most common disorders being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and other Anxiety or control issues. These disorders are developed as the transgender individual grows up having to hide from society and learns behaviors to overcompensate for their lack of masculine or feminine traits.
OCD can develop from children who try to overcompensate and obsess over worrying someone is going to find out their 'secret' which to them is something that they aren't supposed to express because generally speaking we as a society link birth sex to gender quite often. Borderline Personality can come from not focusing on oneself for a long period of time, and then in realization of the transgender state or 'condition' they become very self absorbed and have a hard time considering other peoples needs. And control issues can come up from similar states to OCD but in relation to having to control all aspects of life in order to ensure a safe environment out of fear of discrimination, hate or that in general things may just fall apart.
"A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder. For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures, and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination. Many other obstacles may lead to distress, including a lack of acceptance within society, direct or indirect experiences with discrimination, or assault. These experiences may lead many transgender people to suffer with anxiety, depression, or related disorders at higher rates than nontransgender persons.
In the United States, payment for health care treatment by insurance companies, Medicare, and Medicaid must be for a specific “disorder,” defined as a condition within the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). According to DSM-IV , people who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence can be given the diagnosis of gender identity disorder. This diagnosis is highly controversial among some mental health professionals and transgender communities. Some contend that the diagnosis inappropriately pathologizes gender noncongruence and should be eliminated. Others argue that it is essential to retain the diagnosis to ensure access to care," (http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf).
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So, I came upon this topic in discussing my own personality as a 'fixer' or someone who sees a problem and wants to take care of it. Many 'men' do this as they are taught that they are the caretaker, the one to provide for the family and look out for their protection. This can be viewed as a type of OCD, and I will be honest when I first got together with my wife I was very controlling and didn't really want to have someone else coming into my life and messing with the order of my 'chi' so to speak.
In discussing the issue, I looked at it from a social standpoint and thought that it is likely that many transgender individuals from their own experiences can sometimes be very generous souls. In saying this I'm talking about the need and want to take care of others in their own way, however this puts us in a dangerous situation where we can easily be taken advantage of. Of course for some reason we tend to almost attract those people who are the 'takers' as we are willing and get validation of our self-worth by giving what we can freely. However, as you can see if your always giving and never taking the balance of any relationship can become very lopsided and while your helping the other person it can sometimes be at the detriment of your own health.
The other hard truth I had to learn, is that while it's painful to see loved ones fail, you CANNOT save everyone and trying to not only usually doesn't help the other person with what they actually need but enables them and hurts you in the process. Allowing them to fail and learn their own lessons they become self-sufficient and largely can learn and cope much better in the world by being able to earn a level of independence. It is really hard to let go of that control, and let someone do something you know isn't going to work especially when you get validation in terms of self-worth through low self-esteem by helping others, but in the long run it is healthier not only for you as the giver, but them as the taker as well.
to be continued...
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Ch 13: Gender Discussion and Reaching your Breaking Point, how to know when you need to 'come out'
Today I want to invite anyone who has a particular topic they would like to see discussed to post a response or email me directly at draglizar@gmail.com to help facilitate the conversation. Because while it is helpful to me to share my story my end goal is to be helpful to others and starting a back and forth dialog I believe is the first step to appropriately engage the community. I also want to reference the fact that I will jump back and forth between the story and current gender variant issues to make sure the story itself and individual chapters stay relevant to the 'trans' community.
Once again I hope what you've read so far has been helpful and if there are stories you would like to share, or opinions in how I can reach a larger audience or make topics more relevant for my readers please share those ideas as I'm not opposed to growing and expanding as I write. Any Trans artists out there I want to start today by letting you know about the new transgender startup magazine: Here is literary journal startup http://themlit.com "THEM is a literary journal of trans* writers. As such only authors that identify within the trans* umbrella will be considered." Secondly congratulations to Delaware on being the 11th State to pass marriage equality for gay and lesbian individuals.
Ok, now sidetracking a little bit as I found this interesting and didn't know it until I searched for it, and am surprised how little positive 'trans' news hits the main stream media that I wanted to share it here for others who may be interested to see.
"Lana Wachowski Receives HRC Visibility Award
10/25/2012
Lana Wachowski, the critically acclaimed director of the Matrix trilogy and the new movie Cloud Atlas, opened up about her journey as a transgender woman while receiving HRC’s Visibility Award in San Francisco in October. Wachowski shared her highly personal story in hopes that her words could serve as a beacon of hope for gender non-conforming youth who feel the same discouragement and isolation she felt as a young person," (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/video-lana-wachowski-receives-hrc-visibility-award).
If you follow the source link they also post a video on her speech given for accepting the HRC Award. By her example and others like her, I hope to one day be able to stand up and state my story and do some public speaking events to spread awareness. Overall, just nice to see some positive news every once in a while.
Now staying with HRC, I read the Transgender Visability Guide they have posted today and wanted to talk about coming out, where, when and how. Here is the link to the PDF of the guide published by HRC as free information: http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/transgender-visibility-guide.
So to start with the introduction the HRC uses the term transgender differently than many of us use it and define it in their opening remarks. "But for those whose gender identity or innate sense of their own gender doesn't match with that assigned to them at birth, unraveling and expressing it can be complex and difficult.
Many of these individuals come to identify as 'transgender,' an umbrella term that describes a wide range of people who experience or express their gender in different, sometimes non-traditional ways.
Those of us who identify as transgender must make deeply personal decisions about when and even whether to disclose and be open about who we are with ourselves and others - even when it isn't easy," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf).
A lot of times as we have discussed before but I will go into more detail now, we are taught to think in terms of male and female as black and white absolutes. Now even beyond male to female and female to male individuals, based on the HRC definition of transgender they include crossdressers, gender ambiguous individuals (meaning individuals who do not want to be either male or female or want to be seen as both) and any other gender non-conforming individual. We all face our own issues and problems and each instance is unique so I can only speak from my experience and share in this discussion what has worked for me.
"Some transgender people who wish to disclose this truth about themselves to others have reached a breaking point in their lives where it's too difficult to hide who they are any longer.
Whether it's the cross-dresser burdened with a secret he or she has hidden from his or her spouse, or a young lesbian who feels she doesn't fit into a traditional gender role, transgender people often feel compelled to share who they are in order to build stronger and more authentic relationships with those closest to them.
After disclosure, many people feel as if a great weight has been lifted from their shoulders. In the process of sharing who they are, they may also break down stereotypes and other barriers by living more open lives," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf).
For me, I reached this point probably a little more than a year ago, I was tired of sitting at work and not being able to talk about dresses or other feminine topics. I was tired of hiding my true self and feeling like I was living a lie, so I had to talk to someone. Now I had been having this struggle with my wife for about five years, now a little over 6 years ago I had started cross-dressing again, after we got married settled down and I was beginning to feel more confident in myself. I didn't hide anything from my wife as I experimented with what exactly my inner feelings meant. Granted I probably didn't tell her as much as she would have liked, and we were going through other marriage issues that had nothing to do with the gender dysphoria. So after a couple years of doing this, I realized it wasn't enough, my therapists told me to go out and buy pink 'male' shirts and to try to express myself in a feminine way that wouldn't jeopardize my marriage.
I remember vividly the breaking point though, the 'ah-ha' moment where I had thought about it, was excited about it, drove to see my counselor at the time that night, walked into his office sat down and said, "Everything makes sense now, I'm a woman." And in looking over my life I was able to piece together why I felt like such an outcast and was struggling with these inner feelings so much. While at the time when I was a child I was so focused on taking care of everyone else I didn't stop and take the time to look at my own issues and ask myself the question of 'Who are you?' Then in college I began to ask myself those questions in Human Sexuality and other courses, but then I met this wonderful woman who became my wife and once again I buried the feelings because she wanted and married a 'man' so I had to be a man. Then after a couple years of marriage I had as I stated above started coming out of my shell as I gained confidence in myself, and finally I got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating. Like all the lies to people about saying I'm a guy amounted to this huge pile of guilt that I didn't know how to handle.
After my 'ah-ha' moment I talked to my wife about the idea, and she was concerned and didn't want to lose her 'husband,' so once again I tried to burry my feelings for the sake of the marriage to take my wife's needs and considerations first before my own. Granted at this point in time the whole idea was very new to my wife and from her perspective she may have seen me as being selfish, but from my perspective I was being selfless. This confusion and miscommunication especially if your trying to convince your partner that you are 'right' causes a lot more strife than just saying 'I understand how you feel, though I don't feel the same way I can respect where your coming from.' By acknowledging the feelings and focusing on the expression of what the other is feeling instead of who is 'right' and 'wrong' you can both put yourself in the other position and see how they could feel that way.
As, HRC states, I did feel a huge weight come off my shoulders after I had figured out what my issue was and to some degree who I was. While many of you may find my experiences helpful in your own decisions it's important to remember that, "You have the right and the responsibility to decide how, where, when and even whether to share your identity with others, based on what's right for you," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf). It's also important to remember that if you do confide in someone this type of information tends to spread quickly, so if you don't want your friend or significant other to tell anyone else it's important that you state that.
So, after the 5 years of struggling along with trying to meet my wife's needs and express myself as female without actually being female I came to my boiling point. We went to couples counseling one night and I sat down, looked at my wife and told her with a straight face that I was transgendered, and that I needed to move forward in the process for my own well being and happiness, and that hopefully the change would have a positive impact and bring those around me closer to knowing the true me. At this point I told her I understand if you can't handle the situation I am going through, and it is not necessary for you to stay if you so choose. We left the meeting and went to dinner, sat quietly and didn't say much, at this point kind of thinking we may be broken up, but then we got home and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said 'I can't imagine a life without you, I want to try to make it work.' So we both acknowledged that we still loved each other and wanted to move forward.
From here in the 'coming out' scheme, I talked to my mother, my brothers, a couple close friends or co-workers in one on one settings asking them to keep the information to themselves as I wanted to be the source of disclosure to others. I then wrote a letter, one for co-workers who weren't upper management and one for other family and friends. I had the letter written for a few months before sending it, after reading 'She's Not There,' and trying to determine the timing of the release of information. Overall after I sent the letter I had a high number of positive responses and largely didn't hear any negative responses. However, I was and still am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop where someone is going to have a highly negative reaction and part of myself is trying to 'harden' or prepare myself for that negative reaction, though feeling like it is going to happen some day does cause a lot of anxiety, so I probably have to let it go and be more optimistic about the kind-hearted people of the world.
In the end, those are the methods that worked for me, and I think that not hiding the process as I began to cross-dress and things from my wife helped go a long way with her being able to get small doses of exposure and accept me a little bit at a time. But perhaps I will ask her to write something from her perspective to share with you, she tends to be shy about these sorts of things, but maybe I can convince her even if it is only a one time thing. Overall we all change as we grow, and in relationships, whether friendships or intimate we have to learn to change with those we love otherwise we tend to lose good friends and lovers.
to be continued...
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Ch 12: Married Life, and how my pets have come to save my life every day of the year
Hello everyone,
So, after talking about a couple topics in friendship and ongoing concerns for how others adjust to us as we grow I will now return to my story. The kiss had just happened in the hallway of our apartment, I had a feeling that it wasn't a very good kiss, but I didn't have much practice so I guess I couldn't expect much of my skills. Either way the next day, I played hooky from school and took my wife to be out to breakfast, we hung out and just talked for a long while eating our bagels. And then went down and walked along the shore of Lake Champlain from the Vermont side, sitting there on some rocks watching the water with the sun shining down on us looking at each other with eyes of wonder that we both seemed to actually like each other.
I believe we ended up spending most of the day together, and that evening my wife to be moved into my room. While I wasn't aware she was moving into my room and thought we were just sleeping in the same bed it soon became apparent that more and more of her belongings were making their way over to my room. After a while dating we ended up getting a cat together, our first baby as we say, she was a black cat who had quite the personality. When we got her to the apartment she ran into another one of our roomates room and climbed up into her box spring, refusing to get out I had to get her out myself. After a day or two in the house we could tell the cat had a cold or something and wasn't eating her food or anything, so I made her some chicken noodle soup which she finally drank a little of. I was thinking she was all stuffed up and maybe couldn't smell the food, so perhaps the warm scent of the chicken broth helped break up some of the congestion. But then it had been almost a week and she seemed to be getting worse, so we were saying if she doesn't get better soon we are going to have to take her back. Of course as soon as we said that she was bouncing around and very playful the next day as if she had never been sick.
I have to say I never thought I would be a pet person as I didn't have any growing up, well we had fish for a while but it's not the same. I think perhaps I grew up being afraid of dogs as they barked at me all the time etc. But then having that connection with this creature yourself, and just having something there that loves you truly unconditionally is a reward all of it's own. Not to mention studies have shown that having a pet helps with depression and owners of pets generally live longer and happier lives. So there has to be something to it.
We now have three cats and two dogs. Having bought a house three years ago we have grown our 'family' as we have the space to do it and are able to set our own rules for our house not being held to a lease agreement. Either way, in a lot of ways I think having something that depends on you like a pet can stave off the bad thoughts, because in a lot of instances if something happens to you what happens to your baby?
Unfortunately, Depression and suicidal thoughts along with the attempts themselves as we learned in previous chapters come with the gender dysphoria. Largely though these 'symptoms' are caused by suppressing the true self and acting out of fear. Then when we do 'come out' to the world and represent as ourselves, the anxiety and fears surround us as we are afraid of the harassment and discrimination we may face from the rest of the world. Largely these judgments and the Jerry Springer era set up a bad precedent and created harsh stereo types to the point of which to some transgendered individual, even referring to them as 'trans,' 'tranny,' etc. is considered highly offensive. A log of times we don't know what terms to use, so it's important to listen to the gender dysphoric individual and how they refer to themselves for clues, and if confused or unsure just ask what they want to be referred to as.
Again this leads us back to the male to female discussion. And the term trans-gender in it's root is meant to be the transition of gender and I feel it's important to reiterate that trans-gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation. However and again the large reason why the term 'trans' can be considered offensive is because of the stereotypes now associated with the term because the only images the general public have largely seen of these types of individuals shows them as 'freaks' or 'weirdo's' or sexual deviants. When in reality we are just as normal as everyone else, and don't respond well to judgement largely because we are so used to having to try to fight for simple rights that even the smallest things can sometimes make us defensive.
We have to realize in ourselves too when those defensive responses happen and if they are based on past experience the defensive 'stance' may not be appropriate for the situation we find ourselves in. Either way, we can accidentally reinforce stereotypes by getting upset easily, and may appear 'crazy' to others when all we really want is to be accepted for who we are. As we learned in Chapter 11, being a friend to a transgendered individual can be relatively easy as most of the validation we want, crave and look for are actually very simple gestures most of society forget about because they are second nature when dealing with biologically male or female individuals.
to be continued ...
Monday, May 6, 2013
Ch 11: Communication and How to be a good friend to a Gender Dysphoric Person
Good evening, afternoon, morning:
I was looking around doing some more research and found this interesting wiki article. Now I know I usually hate Wikipedia as much as the next person, but every once in a while they have something useful. So I thought I would share, the article and posting is titled How to Be a Good Friend to Someone with Gender Dysphoria:
"1.Help them by listening. Your friend will definitely have lows.
8. Help them with same sex bathrooms. If you're their inside gender, going in first to see if anyone's in there and beckoning them in, then standing guard is a very big favor. Most people in transition have a hard time finding a bathroom they can use, at some stages they can get trouble in either bathroom. When planning outings, scout ahead for where any mixed-use single user bathrooms are. Some places have disabled bathrooms set up separately from male or female with just one toilet in it. Anytime a friend checks this out first may save them a lot of embarrassment in the search," (http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Friend-to-Someone-with-Gender-Dysphoria).
I find these rules and guides especially true for male to female transgendered individuals. This being said because, while we in society don't like to talk about it, it is true that men have it easier then women. So to go from the top of the proverbial food chain, to the bottom is quite difficult. The looks and the inappropriate gestures and the overall flat 'piggish' behavior of many men is once again appalling.
And in doing some research once again I came across this statement of information that I thought was really well put. "Although my life has not been entirely free of transphobia and cissexism, the majority of discrimination I’ve dealt with has been in the form of misogyny and sexual objectification. And as said, it took me completely off guard. Despite not having been totally ignorant of the existence of sexism, I had had absolutely no idea just how common and ubiquitous sexual harassment and cat calls are. I mean, really… GOD DAMN. Like a lot of guys, I thought it was something that only a few creeps did, and usually only happened to especially pretty young women, and would be something that would only happen every once in awhile. NOT several times a week.
For awhile, I toyed with the idea of just responding by shouting “I HAVE A PENIS!” as loudly as possible, to see if I could make them as uncomfortable as they had just made me. But then I remembered that’s a really good way to get myself killed. Especially given how much sexual harassment and cat calls are based around insecure men feeling the need to assert their masculinity through emotional control and dominance," (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/03/07/sacrificing-privilege/).
While I have yet to experience a lot of this first hand I understand the feeling, and also know the craving and want to have female friends. While girls can be a bit catty, you are never going to go out dancing with a bunch of guy friends, or hang out and teach each other the proper way to put on makeup. Having jewelry parties and other types of events are generally 'girls' only, and for someone like me it is very hard to get invited or find some friends who will treat me just like one of the girls.
I did have one friend once, who I found through the internet, and it didn't end up working out. We hung out a few times, talked a lot and were what I thought was best friends for a few weeks, maybe a month. But at the time I was exploring my inner feelings and ended up talking to her about the idea of being gay, or at least the idea of being a straight female. I made the mistake of making it look like I was planning on leaving my wife, when in all reality I love her very much and messed up the friendship. Regardless I have very few friends now, and find as I get older, it's very hard to make new friends with a majority of time spent at work, and the fact that I don't go out to the bars drinking a lot there are very few activities to meet new people and make genuine lasting friendships.
I hope if anything I've learned from past friendships, though this world of female communication and the rules of friendship seem very new to me. Learning in psychology that males and females are taught very differently growing up how to behave and how to interact. While males tend to make friends through competition and doing activities, girls tend to make friends through cooperation and teamwork. It's quite the adjustment and taking some time to unlearn the years of information and bodily habits that I have come to know as second nature.
to be continued...
Ch 10: Obstacles, feels like the world is trying to hold me back from being myself
Busy weekend,
Got a lot done around the house, painting and moving furniture around etc. My legs are burning, though I guess it's a good 'burn' seeing as it just shows how much I am out of shape. Hope everyone had a great weekend as well, another busy week this week.
Today, I have to say that I am tired, and not doing so well on the inside. While I won't point fingers or name names, I will say that in those instances where I feel like I am 'forced' to present as a guy still is when I get the most anxious and depressed. At this point it feels more than ever like I am lying to the world and not being allowed to be my true self. Now I know in certain instances this may be discrimination, but it's a fine line to walk between making sure you keep friends and present yourself 'appropriately' and being able to express your own individual personality.
I know the day will come when I can do both with ease, and will no longer have this issue, but for now I think I am just impatient. While I in general now consider everything I wear as 'female' clothes, there are definitely shirts and slacks that when I get a chance I may just have a big old bon-fire and purge myself of who I used to be, to as I referred to earlier be reborn. I also know the name change and the 'she' and 'he's' are going to be hard for other people to get used to. But at the same time I can tell you happily that I went out to dinner this weekend dressed as I wanted, got some funny looks and a few people who would stare. But no one said anything inappropriate, granted it's a public setting with a lot of people and I had people present who were supportive of me, but I was happy to be able to not hide, to be myself and while I probably attracted some unwanted attention I was more relaxed and not as anxious being my true self.
I guess I just wish everyone would see the benefit to me not having to hide and that I would be happier, more productive and generally overall healthier if I could be true to myself in all facets of my life. I suppose others in their ignorance, or fear are unable to see the positive side, and afraid of the change feel they have to put their 'foot' down. I'm sure each situation has it's own motivators, and this is why it is hard to navigate and explain exactly how to handle situations or what steps to take, but I hope in writing you can see my story and learn from my mistakes and successes to be able to apply them to your own lives when needed.
I'm going to try to write again tonight, but just wanted to post something this morning on how I was doing as I had a busy weekend and wasn't able to write. I intended to before I went to sleep but by the time I laid down, I was so tired, I just fell asleep. I suppose this is another benefit of hard work and exercise, a good nights sleep, now if only I could do it on a regular basis and still fit the million things I need to do into every day.
to be continued...
Friday, May 3, 2013
Ch 9: How others May view our transitions
Today I feel like sharing a poem, a self creation really but still helps to add some art to the 'drab' world. So many of us are artists, creative and innovative but have a hard time being able to express that artistic ability for very few are lucky enough to be able to live off of art alone.
We stand on the edge,
The wind whipping through our hair,
Looking for the rush,
Looking to feel alive.
Should we not always feel this way?
To be ourselves,
fully accepted,
Understood and not ridiculed,
But as we peer over the ledge,
it is a long way down,
will we survive the fall,
so we can discover and be our true selves.
I would like to say that I have come to accept my own reality and that it does not match everyone else's as we all tend to pick out what is important to us. I forgive those in my life who have hurt me and realize I have to be the bigger person, in the end fighting fire with fire rarely works. And honestly when others are angry at you they tend to try to goad you and bring you down with them. Don't let them, don't fight back with fire, don't become what you despised so much in others.
Relating a bit to bullying please refer to the link from last nights post in Ch 8 if you wish to review the stats on both in home and in school discrimination. Again I'm not here to tell you how easy the journey is, it is incredibly difficult, and only through strength of will and support may we perceiver. I know many of 'us' as gender dysphoric individuals hide who and what we are and many just want to be female if MtF or male if FtM but as we see that gender is on a sliding scale and can all relate to the idea that there are many facets of a person we need to band together to find a way to stop the hate, educate the public and in the end help all current and future gender non-conforming individuals.
I have to be honest and let you know from personal experience and from things I have read but also been told by others, most families have a real hard time dealing with a change like this. Naturally people don't like change and have a hard time accepting the fact in many cases that the person they knew is now 'someone' else. In reality we remain the same people in many ways and the large difference is how everyone else views and treats us. So, some teenagers report being kicked out of their homes when coming out to parents, some parents get divorced over arguing about what is going on with their child, relationships with siblings can become fractured and lost completely and that is just the immediate family. For others not so vested in our future who rarely have to interact with us some may talk out against us, others may ignore the situation and distance themselves. But as the quote from yesterday said, remember we as the gender dysphoric individual have been struggling with this our whole lives, our parents, friends and family all are dealing with these issues for the first time in many cases.
Again while it is not completely true I will state that others have written and view the transition in some ways as a death and rebirth. For many we know it may seem that way because they operate on a while new set of rules on how to interact with us based on what society prescribes. Regardless of how things are viewed the standard for men and woman is still largely viewed as 'separate but equal.' Granted women have earned many rights and fought closely for equality and some may now argue that women are fastly surpassing their male counterparts. However, this all still shows that as society views things in male and female, black and white we want everyone to fit in a nice box but unfortunately we are all in some ways grey.
to be continued ...
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