Thursday, October 31, 2013

Ch 49: Coming out of the darkness and back into the Light

    Ok, So I wrote a lot about my difficulties finding work and being misgendered and hinted at some of the other worries and issues those things can lead to, largely surrounding financial concerns.  You may ask as my counselors have, What keeps you going?  Where do you draw inspiration from?  What keeps you level and happy?

   All good questions, first I'd like to start with a short video about interconnectedness and how we awaken to the world and those around us:


Allan Watts is an author, philosopher and well respected individual, his words inspire many, and in listening to him and in searching for myself.  I will first answer the Question: What keeps you going?  I immensely enjoy helping other people, while it might seem silly to some, this is why I like a tax return, it's personal information that you are trying to take and get an individual the best results possible, I kind of look at it as doing a puzzle.  This is also why I enjoy blogging, hoping that others look at me and see me as an inspiration to keep going, to keep striving for something better, that they can do it, and that we will be successful. 

  Along the same lines it's funny how everything falls into place, but Emma did a wonderful video talking about overcoming bad feelings:

well apparently I can't embed this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpDPhBBQqxI&feature=c4-overview-vl

I did share it on my profile if you prefer to watch it that way.  So, what led me to see these videos, what let me to search for the how in the happiness factor?

   I'll tell you, I have been delving back into my spirituality and looking at the fact that emotionally and mentally I should be able to be rather stable no matter what the world throws at me.  Yes I have good days and bad days, as we all do.  But on the large, similar to the line from the new Will Smith movie, 'After Earth,' "Fear does not exist, it is a creation of the mind, and if we stop living in the future then we can be free of fear."  I have read parts of and will likely revisit it, Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now.'  But this idea that fear, and unhappiness are constructs of the mind really resonated with me, it really isn't how much stuff or what we have in life or even what we leave behind that is important, but really happiness is truly about what we believe and our expectations of the future.  If for example we expect a movie to be really good but it is only mediocre we will be disappointed, but if we expect that same movie to be bad when we go into the movie and its mediocre then we are pleasantly surprised.  So why hold these expectations of the future?

   All of this talk about constructs and beings and spirituality, along with faith and expectations got me thinking along the line of: 'well ok, if expectations and our mind constructs this fear and unhappiness, then how do we get around it?'  I know I'm answering a question with a question, but it's part of the journey that leads us to the answer, the real root in looking at everything isn't knowing what needs to be done but the 'how.'  So I moved forward from these ideas considering spirituality and faith in something beyond the physical world as the 'how.'  I have held to and taken parts of many religions in what I had previously held to, and understand that most basic level teachings of many religions can be found to be the same.  Love and be loved, respect those people around you, if you follow these two rules they can generally apply to everything else written after them.  So along that line and along the line of thinking of life as a journey along a path I came across Taoism in my studies of Buddhism way of life and meditation as a tool to help rid the mind of negative thinking.  I have been researching and doing a lot of reading from this source: http://www.taoism.net/ .

  I'm not trying to convert anyone, or tell anyone what they should believe, I respect every religion and what they mean to the people who believe in them.  I am merely stating this is where my own spiritual journey has led me and hope it will help others.  So as I look to the future now, I look at how in my job search and in my life because many of our lives are dominated by work or searching for work to make money to survive that I was beginning to lose hope on finding somewhere where I would fit in.  Where I would feel like I belonged, where I could find friends, but now I look to the future with hope, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and understand there is a path set out before me.  There is a journey that I have to take to get to the end of it, and everything about a journey is enjoying and experiencing the ride to the end, not reaching the end immediately.  So, I faced a little bit of adversity, so what?  By holding to these beliefs, building a strong core, and loving myself first I can take on the world if I have to, though really I don't even have to do that, because with that strong core and self-love I can begin to cherish others for who they are and open myself further to my own experience while not trying to judge or put others into a 'box' of their own.

  On that note, I will end with the happy news that I've reached 12 months on HRT, I saw my endocrinologist and my Estrogen and Testosterone levels are just outside the norm range for a female.  So I am continuing with my current medicine regime and now it's just a matter of time.  I will raise the money for the other procedures I need, and I am beautiful.  Here I share a recent photo, I found a cheap winter coat which I believe is super cute, and I'm liking very much because I look like a girl even in baggy clothes now.  It's a big step for me, and I'll continue to make more big steps.

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