Ch 31: A Version of my 'coming-out' letter

              I want to preface this letter to let you know that I did take the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs directly from 'She's not there' Jennifer Boylan puts a much longer letter in her book than my version here.  In either case the wording and definitions she used was written well that I wanted to use it to try to explain my situation to my family.  I wrote this letter a long time ago now, but hadn't shared it here and thought I should.  I had sent this letter almost a year ago now to anyone I had available whom I didn't have a one on one conversation with.

            Feel free to use it as a template or read it as part of my story, either way I hope it helps some of you who may be thinking about coming out and aren't sure how exactly to word what you want to say.  It took me quite a while to come up with this version, as I had a number of versions that I edited, wrote and rewrote before I had the finished version below.  I wrote a 2nd letter varying it slightly to send to co-workers, which I didn't end up using as my work situation changed.

Dear friends and family,

                I am about to embark on a journey that will change my life and the way those around me perceive me for as long as I live.  Many of you have known me for my whole life up until this point and have watched me grow from a child into the adult I am today.  While many of the noticeable changes will likely still take a while to occur, I thought it only fair to tell those of you who are closest to me so you know what to expect in the upcoming days, months and years.

               I am transgendered.  Specifically, I am a male-to-female transsexual.  I have had this condition for my entire life, since before kindergarten, since before language.  It is certainly a condition that I have had during all the years you have known me, and which has caused me an almost inexpressible degree of private grief.

            Fortunately, transsexuality can be treated, and most of those who embark upon the journey of “transition” do go on to live fulfilling and joyful lives.  Some of you might not have a clear idea what “transgendered” means, and that’s fine; this is not a subject most people are familiar with.  Transgendered is the preferred term for the whole range of people with gender issues.  Transsexuals – persons who feel that their body and spirit do not match – are a particular kind of transgendered person.  At any rate, a transsexual is not a cross-dresser, for whom the issue is clothes. (“Transvestite” is now considered a pejorative term for “cross-dressers”; in any case, I am neither of these and would be grateful if you could appreciate this distinction.)

As a transgendered individual for a long time since I was little I knew something was different, it took me a while to figure out why I got along better with girls than boys, why I enjoyed playing house and dress up, but in the end I found that I have a female spirit and that my body currently does not match my soul.  I have talked to my mother, brothers, and wife at length about the process and what it means and have made the decision that I can no longer continue as I am.

                This means over the next few months I will begin hormone therapy, and over the next couple years I will begin to immerse myself in living as a woman on a daily basis.  Given that the timing of events and the outcome of the hormone treatment is not predictable and has to be taken on an individual basis I cannot say when for sure yet I will be able to be presented as a woman in public.  But in going through this immense internal struggle, I have found myself and come to know that this journey will likely be difficult and those closest to me may need more support than usual. 

                For most of you at family events and for a while still nothing will drastically change, other than the fact that you know what is going on.  I do not expect all of you to be able to accept me, or understand completely, and I understand that everyone will take their own time and process this information in their own way.   I do hope that even those of you who cannot accept me, will be able to continue to support my brothers and my parents who will likely need the support in the upcoming time period.  I open my email, my door, my heart and my phone to conversation, questions and concerns and am more than happy to help in the understanding process any way I can.

                To finish, I just want to say that for the time being my wife has decided to stay with me and go through this journey.  We both love each other very much and do not foresee the upcoming changes eroding our love for one another. 

                For those of you who want more information, ’She’s not there’ offers an insightful novel into the life of a Colby professor, now known as Jennifer Boylan.  I’m sure if you search the internet or ask for library references other sources of information can be obtained, my mother has also read a number of books and if interested she may share the titles of the ones she found helpful.

6.21.13 Recent Experiences - Meeting Erica Kay-Webster

First I just have to vent a little bit.  Last summer I was laid off and filed for unemployment right away the process was grueling and it took them over a month to finally figure out that I was entitled to benefits.  So this time, I was busy for the past few weeks with life and doing things, and the depression probably contributed to the fact that I really didn't want to deal with my money issues.  Either way I found out today that they do not go back to your layoff date they consider benefits from the day you applied for them.  Which is total bs if you ask me, they can make us wait months, tell us we aren't entitled to benefits because of vacation time payouts etc. and then we have health issues and things going on in our lives and they won't go back to the date of layoff.  gah!  so frustrating.

Anyway, Wednesday my mom took me to see her counselor for her to meet me so she had a better idea of who I was and what she was going through.  It went well, and we talked a lot about the five stages of grief, which I've talked about before briefly in how our loved ones grieve the death of the old us and almost celebrate the birth of the new us.  My mom was funny, while no question is unreasonable she asked if we had a funeral for the male me and if we changed my birthdate to the date I get my name changed.  I just looked at her and said, your welcome to do what you want but I'm not going to go to a funeral for myself.  lol.

for more on the five stages of grief: http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Denail, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance

Then after the meeting we went to PFLAG in Massachusetts, it was a larger meeting though they had a guest speaker.  This is where I met Erica Kay-Webster, and I will preface this by saying she is a tremendously strong woman and has been through a lot, she refers to herself as one of the stonewall riot survivors.  I myself didn't know what the stonewall riots were and had to look them up, though this is a period in history where a lot of the LGBT believe that their equal-rights movement began.

It was a three day riot, the riot began after a bunch of private clubs in New York were raided.  At this point in time it was illegal to serve alcohol to Gay, Lesbian or Transgender individuals so these private clubs were largely run by the mafia.  Erica stated that she wasn't sure why the police began to raid these clubs, if they were squeezing the mafia for higher bribes or if it was some other issue.  In either case during the raids many of the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender individuals were arrested, beaten with billy clubs and subjugated to police brutality.  Again at this point in history this was expected and the fear of the culture around the LGBT individuals was soo intense that no one lived openly.

Personally I had a hard time thinking of a society where being gay or lesbian was illegal.  I suppose it's the same today where certain sexual positions are outlawed, though I don't know how the police are going to enforce those laws.  So even today though we continue to fight for our rights and find our place in society, we have come a long way in the last 40-50 years.

"This Sunday, June 28, will mark the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots, the event largely regarded as a catalyst for the LGBT movement for civil rights in the United States.  The riots inspired LGBT people throughout the country to organize in support of gay rights, and within two years after the riots, gay rights groups had been started in nearly every major city in the United States. 
At the time, there were not many places where people could be openly gay. New York had laws prohibiting homosexuality in public, and private businesses and gay establishments were regularly raided and shut down.

In the early hours of June 28, 1969, a group of gay customers at a popular gay bar in Greenwich Village called the Stonewall Inn, who had grown angry at the harassment by police, took a stand and a riot broke out. As word spread throughout the city about the demonstration, the customers of the inn were soon joined by other gay men and women who started throwing objects at the policemen, shouting "gay power."
Police reinforcements arrived and beat the crowd away, but the next night, the crowd returned, even larger than the night before, with numbers reaching over 1000. For hours, protesters rioted outside the Stonewall Inn until the police sent a riot-control squad to disperse the crowd.  For days following, demonstrations of varying intensity took place throughout the city.
In the wake of the riots, intense discussions about civil rights were held among New York's LGBT people, which led to the formation of various advocacy groups such as the short-lived Gay Liberation Front, which was the first group to use the word "gay" in its name, and a city-wide newspaper called Gay.  On the 1st anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, the first gay pride parades in U.S. history took place in Los Angeles, Chicago, San Francisco, and near the Stonewall Inn in New York.
The Stonewall riots inspired LGBT people throughout the country to organize in support of gay rights, and within two years after the riots, gay rights groups had been started in nearly every major city in the United States,"  (http://www.civilrights.org/archives/2009/06/449-stonewall.html#sthash.QHuyMV86.dpuf).

So being a survivor of this event, along with putting up with a number of other atrocities in her own life I found myself drawn to this woman.  A pillar of strength and a beacon of light in my otherwise dismal and dark world.  She had lived it, gone through it, been through the ringer and back and spent time in prison on top of it all.  It was just awe strucking and as I said to her after the meeting, 'I only hope I can be as strong as you.'

Her full story and information can be found at: http://ericakayboundbetweenlove.wordpress.com/

She is writing a book to be released in 2014 titled Absence of Justice.  She is putting together project groups, marching in a number of pride parades, and presenting the LGBT flags to the United Nations in New York on September 11th.  She has begun a project to help the 600,000 homeless LGBT youth who are rejected by their families, and hopes to have a facility set up modeled after the Hersey School in Cape Cod, MA.  She is incredibly accomplished and continues to give back to us in the community, she wants nothing more than to see us all succeed and I suppose I am trying to do my small part with my blog, but feel it pales in comparison to this womans accomplishments.  While I haven't mentioned it yet, she is openly a trans woman, though she had SRS at 17 back in 1968.  The stonewall riots occurred in 1969.

for more information, questions concerns, again I invite you all to email or respond, again my email is draglizar@gmail.com

to be continued...

Pictures: Eyebrows, earings and me and my mom

Week 2 Living as a woman full time

Been a little while since I've written,

Working things out for myself, actually have been quite busy getting situated with living as a female full time.  Let's see, well I posted the pictures so you know a little of what I've been up to, Jun 15th we went out to the grocery store again, another first again at the deli counter I got called Ma'am for the first time.  Again really didn't have any negative reactions, my wife says our worst reaction was when we were checking out the bagger lady didn't say have a good day when we went to leave.

Sunday we just hung out, and I had to do my last set of homework for my last Accounting course for my masters.  Monday began finals week, I worked on my Law final and met up with my friend from class to go over the answers and see if we could proof each others work.  We went out to Margaritas and had some food, hung out, waiter came over and said 'how's everything going ladies' so again didn't really attract a lot of attention as I think I am passing fairly well.

Tuesday was PFLAG night, 2nd Tuesday of the month, my wife came with me to the meeting and we listened to a lot of stories and I had a lot of support and people who told me they would help me look for accounting jobs in the Southern Maine.  Though really I am looking all over USA, primary choices being Boston, Portland ME, Philadelphia, Washington DC, San Francisco and Seattle.  I have another phone interview tomorrow so :: fingers crossed :: and this job sounds like it would be a great fit and awesome company to work for.  But I'll let you know how it goes.

So we got the details about the pride parade for Saturday the 15th at the meeting and I actually had a couple members say they didn't recognize me with my hair and makeup.  Which I suppose is a good thing.  lol.  My wife had a good time at the meeting and found it helpful to listen to the stories of other parents and partners.  They explained our 'coming out' as the partner, my wife, has to 'come out' herself as I suppose the community may view her as a lesbian now, but it is a confusing situation.  As she doesn't view herself as a lesbian but she is now married to a woman.  Hard to explain to people who don't understand the situation, but either way we are dealing with it one day at a time.

Wednesday was my final Law class, I had to do a presentation and hand in my final exam.  I was nervous about doing the presentation though when I got up in front of the room to talk I found that I was less nervous and more comfortable and confident in my own skin presenting as a female.  I suppose this makes sense as I'm not wasting effort trying to pretend to be male and focusing on mannerisms and everything else that goes along with it.  Well it didn't go as well as I imagined it, I had practiced the presentation in front of my wife at home and I think I did much better presenting than I ever did as a male.

Thursday I had a meeting with Robert Half, Accounttemps, went out to the office and had an interview at their permanent placement office which went very well.  I was outside to go into the office and had a mailman coming to the door who called me 'darling' again confirming that I don't look too out of place.  The interview was more relaxed, though I had met with them as a male last year and so I already had been to the office once before and was more comfortable with the surroundings.

Friday I took the day to relax, did some cleaning and other things around the house as on the following Monday, yesterday now the realtor was supposed to come so we can list our house on the market for sale.  Saturday we went out to the Pride Parade, everyone was happy to see us, many remembered me by name, and while I had a minor panic attack at one point I look back at the event and am happy that I went and realize that it was a fun time.  I really LOVED my red dress and finally had an excuse to get all dressed up.

I have to say though that I did realize at the parade that while I try to dress classy, there are many in our community who don't.  I understand getting dressed up naughty at home and stuff, but there are a lot of trans who go out to these events and look like street-walkers.  I suppose it's really likely not their fault as they probably don't have good girl rolemodels to look up to, but still I can see how the infighting might happen because I likely couldn't see myself hanging out with people like that.  Either way I have to try to step outside myself and not judge and give people a chance before deciding those things.  They may just need help and guidance.  The old saying 'never judge a book by it's cover' should apply but sometimes it's hard to do.  Perhaps this is because we worry by association what others will think about us, but really if they aren't our friends why do we care what others think?

Sunday I had to complete my last final for my Accounting course.  I finished my accounting final and am now complete with my masters studies.  I got an A in my Law class and a B+ in the Advanced Accounting class.  A lot of the grades though I think I could have had a 4.0 if I wasn't working, however I need the money to pay the bills and didn't want to hold back my progress.  So I took class on nights and weekends and probably didn't spend as much time studying as I should have as I was busy with other things.

Either way I was happy to be done.  No more school, well there will be CPE's and studying for the CPA but I consider that to be different than normal school.  Unless I choose to go back and get my PHD which I may eventually but right now I don't know.

Now up to yesterday, Monday, I spent most of the morning mowing the lawn, finished the last book of the Wheel of Time, enjoyed the ending and then skyped with my friend while playing games in the afternoon.  I did some more cleaning around the house, getting things ready for the realtor but she got caught up at a closing.  I also had a fight with my friend, our first 'fight' though the item in question wasn't really material it was more about a trust issue.  I thought one thing about a character in a game and I ended up being wrong and I should have just said I'm not sure instead of guessing at the answer based on my experience.  Either way today we have 'kissed and made up' so to speak, not literally kissing, but she told me today that I am now her adopted sister.

Today I drove down to my mom's house, we hung out, I went and got my eyebrows done.  I believe that the pain involved in the waxing was nothing compared to the laser treatment.  So, it wasn't too bad, I'll post some pictures of the eyebrows and my earrings shortly.  We had lunch, got ice cream and had a nice morning.  I went down to the town hall in the town where I was born and got my copy of my birth certificate to have for my name change if needed.  In either case I now have a current copy I can bring with me to present to the judge at the hearing.

to be continued...

Pride Parade 6/15/13

Love this dress, first time going out in a dress.  Wind was blowing, made things interesting and my hair would not cooperate, but all in all it was a fun time.  I think I got overwhelmed by the number of people and had a minor panic attack, but survived the day none the less, one step at a time, slowly coming out of my shell.

Finally brave enough to post some pictures of the real me

Please be nice, these are the first pictures I have posted online of the real me.  Hope you think I look well ;)

Ch 25: Personal Journal Entry 6/9/13

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend,

To me right now all the days blur together, and my weekend isn't really a weekend because I do more homework and masters course-work on the weekends than I do during the weekdays.  I know I procrastinate.  I got 2 more job offers for similar positions through Insurance Sales companies.  Still holding out though, have to apply for unemployment soon, probably will do that in the next couple days.

Last I wrote you was Wednesday morning.  I don't know what happened Wednesday but that afternoon I got hit by a wave of depression, didn't really want to do anything, decided I wasn't feeling too well and didn't end up going to class. Arranged everything to catch up though, finishing up my final for my class on Wed tomorrow, meeting with a classmate to go over our presentations and proof each others stuff.  Then PFLAG on Tuesday, still not sure if I'm going to march in the LGBT parade or not later this month.  I don't know though I was in a funk Wednesday night, evening, seem to be doing better now. 

Thursday I hung out, slept in, did some household chores, chatted with an old friend from high-school.  Been doing a lot of reconnecting with old friends, I guess more because #1 I seem to be more social and want to be more involved in other peoples lives than I used to, and #2 I found as a guy I tried to wall off my internal self too much and thought I could take on the world by myself so to speak.  But the more and more I go forward the more and more I find that trying to do it all myself was more a weakness than a strength.  I need good people around me to help me out and support me on my journey.  Enjoy good conversation, bounce ideas off of them and overall just have people who are willing to hang out and listen.  I find I want to know more about other people and how things are going than I used to as well, I guess you could say I'm a little less self-absorbed, though I do still tend to talk about a lot of stuff that I'm going through, though I suppose or at least I think that it is because of all of the stuff I am going through now it can be overwhelming at times.

Friday I got back into a more normal routine, played quite a few games but was having fun.  So my mood was improving and going in the right direction.  Actually went to bed early and started getting on a normal sleep pattern again as well.  Almost finished the last book of the Wheel of Time, exciting stuff, getting towards the end of the world, Rand fighting the Dark one to save the world from evil perils.  lol.  I know most of you don't know what I'm talking about but some of you will check it out, and others know the reference.

Saturday I woke up, we had a nice breakfast, I did some surfing of the web for a bit, then got dressed up and we went out to the store.  Getting dressed to go out now is like exhausting sometimes lol, not that I mind it it just takes a lot longer than it used to, got to make sure I've shaved any spots that are exposed, then the outfit picking out, then the makeup and then the wig and the hair styling it's a lot of work.  Worth it in the end though, ahh well, then we went to the store, where I am told a guy was checking out my butt but saw my face and got embarrassed.  I also had my first ma'am which was exciting, lady in the deli said it when I went to get my deli products.

So, I smiled and was happy that I got some positive looks, got some strange looks too but those are starting to go down as I think I'm passing better than I used to.  As my facial hair falls out and is less noticeable I think that's the biggest part to passing, the rest of it can wait, while I'd like to have breasts that are noticeable my mosquito bites will do for now.  Having long hair can make simple things difficult too, lol, eating and just being outside can be annoying with the wind and your hair flying everywhere.  The makeup and the heat combination I think makes the wig hair stick or get attracted to my face more than it should, but I'll deal with it, it's not that big of an annoyance just something I never thought about until I did it.

We got home and I researched and in my web surfing have tried to find good examples of kickstarter campaigns that worked well and in which people actually met their goals.  Thinking of running one myself at some point and my friend who is helping me with the video has asked me to find some that I like and send her examples.  While I have found campaigns that have worked, I am having a really hard time finding videos of kickstarters for trans individuals.  A lot of the programs reference people to their blog or have pictures and typed words without a video, surprising that it is, maybe if I was better at searching YouTube I could find some there.  Anyway if you guys know of any good ones to use as examples please send them my way.

So, sunday rolled around, my wife went out to the Old Port Festival with some friends, and I played some games in the morning.  I was approached by some of my gamer friends, one in particular who wanted to Skype with me and get to hear my voice and talk to me to try to get to know me better.  She at first being a gamer friend and not knowing her irl outside of the internet very skeptical and thought I was pulling her leg when I first came out to her, thought my link to my blog was going to unleash a virus on her computer or whatever which I can totally understand.  I mean it's hard to trust people, but eventually she came around to trust me, read my blog and apologized up and down for not believing me sooner.  Her mother was a FtM transition, and I guess it hit close to home, our 'condition' while there are many of us out there is still fairly rare.  So now I'm her friend and she explained getting to know me better and being able to talk to me on Skype like getting up on Christmas morning, she was just sooo excited to get to know who I am.  I found it endearing and enjoyed our conversation, while we mostly played the game and would talk about the game, it was still fun to hang out with a 'girl-friend' who totally platonic just wanted to hang out and share interests.  I don't know I guess I found it strange that someone wanted to know me as a friend just because of my condition, while overall I have had pretty overwhelmingly positive reaction other than certain minority issues it never ceases to amaze me the kindness of others and their willingness to help you.

In our conversation at first I was nervous as I still sound like a guy, need to take some time to practice my voice training.  I did find this website on the voice training process for those of you interested:
http://www.mindfulcommunication.com/transgender.htm

This isn't the site I was thinking of, though I think the link I was thinking of is on Laura's Playground somewhere.  I'll have to track it down and post it as someone else gave me the link which I thought I had saved in my favorites but apparently I hadn't.  Oh well, either way she was very nice about the voice and didn't treat me strangely because of it.

And then sunday afternoon / evening I did my homework for my masters course, and started on my final.  I sat with my wife and we had the extended version of SuperBad on while I worked on my homework.  I was surprised to find it unopened and laughed at the extended scenes and talked to my wife and asked her why we hadn't watched this before.  I suppose we both just forgot we had it, probably not a terrible thing as watching movies on our shelves are probably not at the top of the list of things we are concerned about.

to be continued...

Ch 24: 6/5/13 Personal Journal Entry

Hey Everyone,

   Today I'm going to go back to talking about my own recent experiences and share what I have been going through lately.  While you know I have had a number of appointments and I was sick with a cold for a while I have not really gone into too much detail other than the overview of what is going on.  I also just feel that I need to process my own thoughts and can continue to do so through this format.

   Most recently, last night I had my 2nd laser hair removal treatment on my face, much less painful than the first time.  After trying to let the purging happen naturally last time I ended up shaving off the dead follicles and was disappointed at the length of time the purging had taken.  For me it took almost a week if not a little longer, when I was expecting as for most people that it would only take 2-3 days.  Even after the purging finally occurred leaving my face with less hair than it had before the regrowth was patchy and never truly fully went away.  This was explained to me as being because I had so many follicles that the amount of laser energy just wasn't enough to adequately destroy all of them.  On the good side after 6 weeks those follicles that did die and purge still haven't come back.  So the ultimate goal and the way it is looking is that after each treatment I will have less and less hair to deal with on the face, while not quite what I expected, it is still working.  The expected results were that it would completely purge, giving me a smooth face for 4-6 weeks at which point the hair would start to regrow.  While the completely smooth did not happen, as I said hopefully the follicles that were killed are starting to be permanently destroyed.  I do think the Estrogen is helping with this as well.

   Last night I also got my ears pierced.  Not such a huge deal as some guys get this done, though for me it's a statement as I have to keep the studs in for 8 weeks to make sure the holes don't close up.  Which means that more than likely I have started my year of presenting.  I am applying to jobs now as Rebecca, I have petitioned for my legal name change which I have the hearing for in a couple months, and I am wearing my wig and female clothes consistently when I go out into the 'real' world.  Granted now at home I don't always dress up, which is funny because it used to be the opposite way around, I couldn't adequately express myself in public so I would dress up at home, now I am expressing myself in public and able to dress down at home more for comfort than anything.

   I still need to get my nails done, lol, not that this is a big deal, probably will end up doing them myself at some point soon.  It's just a nice thing to have done.  For anyone though who has not had it done professionally before, I highly suggest it.  It is far more than just clipping the nails and putting some polish on them.  They usually will soak your feet in a nice massaging bubble bath type thing, and then they clean out your cuticles, which seems strange at first but the intense clean feeling you get from getting it done is unlike anything else I've ever experienced.  Again for those girls out there, this is why some guys will go and get their nails done professionally too, they usually don't get the polish done but having the nails cleaned out is the real benefit to getting them done professionally.

   Last night I also had an unexpected surprise and had some of my cousins come over to visit.  It was nice we just sat around and played clue.  Of course though they were expecting to see me as Rebecca so I kept my wig on and they for the most part called me by the new name.  Most of them still called me 'he' but it wasn't that big of a deal.  I'm not overly picky about it yet, as the legal name change hasn't gone through yet, but they were making the effort to try and that is what was important.

   So, back to the ear piercing.  I say now after the fact that it wasn't that big of a deal, but for some reason I was more nervous about that than the hair removal even though the hair removal was more painful.  I think I'm just a big wimp when it comes to needles.   Any sharp object really.  When I was little the 'monsters' in my room wound hide under my bed and I would swear they were poking me with knives through the mattress.  I would literally feel sharp pokes in my stomach, of course I know now that it was all my mind manifesting on itself, but I guess it still has long lasting psychological effects. 

   I also am pretty sure I just got a job offer if I wanted it.  But it's selling insurance, which for whatever reason I hate sales.  Oh well, the earning potential is good, and the business itself isn't bad to be in, it's not like I would have to deal with the claims side of things but all the same I prefer service business over product sales.  I mean people can argue that Insurance is a service business and isn't too much unlike Accounting tax work, I suppose a tax return can be looked at as a product, but somehow I see it as a different thing.

   Now I'm jumping all over the place I know, lol but this is the difference between a journal entry and a more formal topic entry.  I also found out from my lovely wife that it's a good idea to have two different shades of foundation, one for summer and one for winter.  As it's likely your going to have a little more color in your skin when the sun comes out, something I never really thought about but when using my lighter foundation I do notice a difference that it doesn't match my skin tone quiet like it used to.

   Today I have my 2nd to last masters course, then I get to do my final exams and have to prepare a presentation for next week.  Which should be interesting seeing as I've been dressing now, so not only will I be nervous about the presentation but probably also nervous about being dressed.  lol.  The situations we get ourselves into, well I'm sure I will be just fine and doubt I will have any issues getting at least a B in the course, but it's still nerve wracking.  A lot of things are these days, but I guess we keep going through these situations and have all new firsts.  In a way it's an adventure a chance to redo simple things as if it's the first time your doing them because your able to express and be yourself while doing it.

So for now I end abruptly, but as I said I mostly wanted to write and share, and process some of my own thoughts.  Hope you have enjoyed.

to be continued...

Ch 23: What to do for Transition before Hormones and Surgery

Hello Everyone,

Been sick with a cold, trying to get back in a routine.  Applying to jobs all over the US, looking to relocate, so if anyone has an 'in' with an accounting firm or for a private accounting position let me know.  Got 1 job I'm being considered for and was told I'm 1 of 6 candidates being considered, got a 2nd job that I got a callback from that I have to update my resume for the qualifications they are looking for and resubmit it.  I also found out that with my Graduate degree I may not need the 1000 hours of audit to qualify for my CPA.  So I'm hoping I just have to finish these last two weeks of graduate school and then start studying for the CPA exam.

Ok, now that I've caught you up on why I wasn't around for a week I'll launch into today's discussion:

What to do for Transition before Hormones and Surgery?

I recently was talking to an individual who hasn't begun the process, has only talked to people online and his mother.  He is MtF and has had a growing pain for some time about not being able to be true to himself, as we discovered in finding the 'Breaking-Point' it sounds very much like he is close to the point where he will need to do something.  Now in this situation there were concerns about age and availability of free treatment through LGBT centers as he is poor and expects that he may be kicked out of the place he is living in when he comes out to everyone.

For situations like this, while I'm not a licensed professional I say start therapy with a counselor or licensed professional right away.  While the underlying issue of Gender Dysphoria is a physical issue the psychological issues that come with it need to be talked about.  The previously know Gender Identity Disorder is not something that a person has to 'prove' to their therapists it is something innately inside that you know who you are.

Now before I go forward, in working with a counselor everyone finds their own truth, and we all have our own journeys and order of events.  However, I am presenting the way I believe presents the least resistance and allows for an individual to walk before they run approach.  In this case, the individual was under the impression it would be best because of the limited time they had to 'prove' to the therapist that they were indeed female in a males body that they should start dressing, talking, come out to family and do everything all at once.

While some people handle this pressure well and are able to take the 'quick removal of the band-aide' approach it is wrought with hazards.  Remember our discussions on discrimination, on workplace harassment, bullying and family issues.  By taking this approach we are effectively jumping in the deep end without a life preserver.  Some babies can adapt and learn to swim, but others will drown.  So why not build ourselves a raft before we go out on the water?

So here is my proposal, before going all out, go to the therapist.  In therapy the general principle they are looking for if they are a good therapist is that there isn't another underlying mental disorder that is causing you to believe you are female.  So they are looking over the generally accepted period of time 3-6 months for consistency and similar to tests for gastric bypass they want to make sure you understand the risks involved and know what your getting yourself into and making an informed decision.

No one ever has to 'prove' to their therapist that they are or aren't something.  We know it inside, while the therapists can act as a 'gatekeeper' to keep us from medication and other needed procedures, as individuals we can always go find another therapist.  Personally I have been with the same LCSW for 3 years now, before her I went through probably 10-20 counselors over a 10 year period of time.  Some were good, some were awful, but like anything else it's about finding one that fits your personal style and understands you well enough to get you to talk about the tough issues.  A lot of this involves trust, as I found a lot of counselors for whatever reason I wasn't comfortable with, so I stuck to the basics when I talked to them and didn't deal with the hard issues I needed to.

Finding a good therapist can be difficult, but generally in today's world there are reviews of therapists, they list their specialties and you can always get referrals from your PCP or other people you may know who use therapy.  Ok, so now your in therapy talking about the issues, my suggestion is to do this before you 'come out' and before you start dressing and doing other things as each of those steps creates difficulties.  So step 1: therapy - your therapist should be your biggest ally, a place and person you can confide in and not worry others are going to find out what you said.  They also should be a resource to give you information about the process, about the risks, and help you come up with strategies in how to 'come out' and what to say, or how to do it.  Granted most of this is determined by you as the patient because a good therapist doesn't actually give advice, but they listen and get you to make your own decisions about events.

So with step 1 completed you have someone at your back, even if it's just one person to lean on and begin having your support network.  Step 2 I think is coming out to people who you believe will be your best supporters, may be parents, brothers and sisters, cousins, close friends etc.  It may not be these people either, and you may feel more comfortable making new friends.  In either case you are continuing to build a network of people around you who you can call for support and who you know will be there when you need them.  Remember though friendship is a two way street and you should be willing to be there for your friends when they need you as well.

Then step 3 is generally starting to dress, learning the opposite genders mannerisms, practicing voice training etc.  But in each of these steps you will face difficulties.  Step 1 therapy you have to face your inner demons and learn to love yourself before you can let others love you.  Step 2 coming out to close friends, even people who you believe could be strong supporters may not be, so this can be difficult, nerve racking and it's possible you may lose friends or have friends who you thought were good friends who may 'out' you to the rest of the world.  Step 3 dressing, if your doing it in private at first, which I believe we all generally do it's not too big of a risk, but there still is the risk of someone 'catching' you in the act and can again have rammifications.

Step 4 If someone else hasn't outed you, you are ready to talk to the people who are in your life who you're worried will reject you.  With others at your side, a lot of times similar to an intervention if you're doing one of these 'family' meetings you can have your counselor come and act as a mediator and most of them will be happy to do it.  This gives you some protection and others are not as likely to act as rash or harshly in the presence of a professional who may also be able to explain things from an outside perspective or answer questions these people may have.

By taking this course of steps you are building relationships and support before each step and preparing yourself for the next one.  In doing this you are setting yourself up to succeed by taking steps to make sure if something does go wrong you have a strong foundation to fall back on.

Step 5 anyone who hasn't yet tried to go out and deal with the public will likely take this opportunity maybe in places they feel safe to express who they truly are through dress and mannerisms.  Safe environments can include, college campus or classrooms, support group meetings, dressing at the counselors office, at home with family, possibly a gay bar and other such areas that are likely to be progressive where you may be nervous presenting the true you but you know the people around you are likely to understand your situation.

Finally Step 6 is as we talked about in previous chapters likely at this point your ready to start hormones, and from there beginning your life as a female or male full time.  This may involve the year period of presenting before SRS and other surgeries, though I know some trans individuals decide to never have SRS because of medical complications.  Other steps in being female or male full time usually include legal name change, dressing full time in the gender we identify as, using the restroom appropriate to our gender identity, and other such things.

I give you this guide out of concern, please take care of yourselves and set yourself up to succeed, don't jump in the deep end without your life preserver, it can be dangerous out there.

Big hugs to all!

to be continued...