Saturday, August 24, 2013

Ch 43: My First Hate Mail Message Received - *Warning Post is very religious

Dear Zax,
I am sorry I have not gotten back to you until now. You are right, it has been too long. I “changed the pw and threw away the key” on my FB account months ago but decided to just log back in to check a few things. I still will not be using it regularly. Too much chaos…to much distraction and time drain.

In addition, I have needed some time to think over everything you have sent me and the decisions you have decided to make. I have mulled back and forth whether or not I should go for a long reply or a short one. I will first opt for a short one, and if you want to respond to me, then we can go from there. Let me just say right up front I hope you read this all. Please read it all. This is the short version, but it may not be so short. There are many things that have changed for me in the last two years, and certainly since you came to visit now I believe it was… As I said, the long version could literally be a short novel/memoir. So the short version is that I too, much like you, was searching for happiness. I was searching for purpose in life, a sense of peace, a sense of belonging, a sense of direction. I was raised Roman Catholic. I fell into grave sin and became a lover of the world my senior year in HS, and in many ways for nine years I never looked back. I stopped using God and the Church as my moral compass and instead turned to my own fallible understanding of the world and of myself, and I used pleasure as my compass and as the measure of what is right and wrong. In fact, I made the fatal error of equating pleasure with happiness. I know now that these two things have nothing in common in the long-term. After you came to visit, my Military Enrollment date was changed and postponed another 6 months. So I went west to live with a friend. It was not what I had hoped for…out there I still felt lost, yet with more offerings of “the world” than ever before right at my finger tips. I could have had drinking, sex, drugs, movies, television, comedy, music, fine dining, etc. in any quantity I wanted. As I began to really consider that, none of it seemed would fulfill me. Because of an error by my recruiter, I was forced back home after just 6 weeks out West, and I began working three crappy jobs  until starting back up at ______ (seasonal customer service work) through December. I went to Military training for a month. I was considered the frontrunner for honor graduate, and my knees blew out and stopped working. That little voice in my heart (not my head) told me I was on the wrong path. I honorably withdrew from training and went back home. Two months later I was working as a credit analyst. I had my own place, was excited, ready to “start my life.” One year later, I was more miserable than ever. Working 70-90 hrs a week making $36k a year, ready to jump off a bridge if it weren’t for the fact that I still believed, in some measure, in hell and that I would go there if I killed myself. I had friends. I had video games, television, music, movies, a gym membership, the most beautiful lake in the world just 10 minutes away from me… I had a bigger hole in my heart than ever before in my life. My dad and I took a trip. I never felt further from and more repulsed by God than on that trip…I had no desire to be anywhere near the Vatican and let my dad go back alone while I explored. When we got back, I got an offer from a different company to work there. I took it in a heartbeat and for once felt really thankful to God…as if He in fact did hear a prayer on my trip to help me get out of my last job. I moved back to _______, bought a house, and thought all was going to just work out great. Find a wife, have kids, American Dream, right?

After another 3 months is all, around my birthday in October of 2011, I was worse than ever. I began to pray again. Little bit, but I did. Just asking God to take over my life and, more than anything, to give me faith. I had none. I could not believe what I couldn’t prove or see. I was a doubting Thomas, and I readily admitted it before God and begged for faith and direction and purpose.

Then some strange things happened. My house began to come to life. Stereos turning on loudly at random, television the same, windows being unlocked and doors the same or even opened with no explanation. Lights on, and then tons and tons of noises. Then I prayed the rosary for the first time in 10 years or more. My whole personality began to change. I became angry. So angry. I wanted to literally kill people. I felt I was losing my grip on reality and needed to be admitted. I prayed the rosary one more time. The next night, my whole house came to life. It sounded like a wrestling match upstairs, and it culminated in me praying the “Our Father” aloud, screaming the words as the sounds got louder. When I said the last words, “deliver us from evil,” Zax it sounded like an anvil was dropped on my ceiling and my whole house shook. I looked up, and there was a crack in my ceiling. Still is there to this day. It was definitively NOT there prior to that. I was shaking. My legs weak, frozen in fear begging God to rescue me. I heard a sound. A phone ringing sound. I looked over at my phone, across the couch, and I picked it up. It had been dialing the number “6” by itself for 6 minutes and 16 seconds straight. I dropped it on the floor in panic and fear and then reassembled it and put it back together. I called my dad and asked him to pray with me, and he did. What happened after that was basically that I got online into a Catholic chat room and ended up talking to someone who turned out not to be even logged into the server, who told me exactly what I needed to do which was to pray a Hail Mary and to get my Bible. I opened my Bible to an exact passage called “An Answer to Prayer” and the passage said “God sent the archangel Raphael to remove the cataracts from his eyes so he could see God’s light once again. And to cast out the wicked demon, Asmodeus.”

I was, for years Zax, being legitimately led by a demon straight to hell. I was in love with the world, yet the world gave me nothing to live for. I was suicidal. I was lost. I was hopeless, in despair and apathetic. I had friends die, Zax. So many friends die…and I had to begin to question, “what is life all about? There MUST be more! If not, if God is not real, if all this is a fraud, then I might as well just either go do WHATEVER I want or jump off that bridge.”
Praise God I did neither, and thanks be to Jesus Christ that He brought me back to Him.
For the first time literally in my entire life I had peace. Overwhelming peace. Not the kind the world pretends to offer. Real peace. The kind that makes you feel invincible. All vulnerability gone from you. Like if a person walked up with a gun, I would just smile and say, “for your own sake, I beg you not to pull the trigger. But if you kill me, I will pray for your soul from heaven.” There would be no fear. Because this life no longer matters except to love, serve and know God and to entrust all else to His will.

That was in December of 2011.

Two years later, I am strongly considering the Catholic Priesthood, Zax. Unimaginable just two years ago. And yet now, I have given my life fully over to God. And truly, truly Zax, I have never been HAPPIER.

But this is not Protestant happiness that says “all is good in my world now.” This is Catholic happiness, the kind that rejoices in suffering and embraces the crosses in life. The kind that looks temptation in the face and pleads with God for His grace to strengthen me so that I no longer continue to drive the nails into His hands and feet with the hammer of my wretched existence.

God is real, Zax. So real. I have innumerable proofs, personal and public. And He created us all in His image, and He loves us all, and he is merciful to those who love and fear Him.
This is a lot. I have said a lot. And there is so much more I could say.

My dear friend, my friend whom I care about immensely. I mean that. There is reason I embraced your friendship while others mocked and scorned you. They were of the world, they were of themselves, and you were a young man looking for help finding not himself (as the world would say we need to do) but finding God. It’s just that at that time, I was doing the same.

So, all this being said, charity obliges me to be honest with you. I do not agree with this path you have chosen to go down. I cannot support it or say I am happy for you. You will find no words of affirmative reinforcement from my end. And it is precisely because of charity, because of love that I must say this.

I hope you will keep reading, Zax. I really do. I fear you may not have gotten this far. Just as I said God is real, so too is heaven real. And so too is the devil, and so too is hell. The former being infinitely good and loving and just. The abode created infinite in bliss and eternal in joy. The latter being infinitely wicked and hateful and deceitful, and his cellar being infinite in torment and agony and eternal in sorrow and regret and shame.
Here it is. All my cards on the table. The one the world loves to label the “Bigot Christian!! Intolerant! Unloving! Hateful! Vengeful! Inflated!” Right?


You know me, Zax. Yes, I have changed immensely. But I am no bigot. Are there bigots out there? Sure. Are there homophobes (people afraid of gays)? Yep. I am not homophobic. I have had many friends who are gay. But I do not support a gay lifestyle. I do not support an LGBT lifestyle. Because of charity. Not because I am a bigot. Because, even though many would say “whatever makes you happy,” I know for a fact these lifestyles do not make anyone who lives them happy. They only end in sorrow and sadness. And ultimately, they last eternally in Hell because they reject God and His sovereign and perfect and glorious plans for us in favor of our own desires, diseases, disorders, etc.

This applies to MANY, not just to LGBT. To MANY. And I include myself in that group. I am still stuck in the effects/scars of many bad choices and inordinate affections: sex, pornography, masturbation, drinking, addiction to media (video games, sports, movies, etc.), bad music, etc. Zax, I had my fill of ALL of those things! A lion’s share, and they did NOTHING for me! Nothing!

There is a reason why these celebrities who have all the money in the world and anything they could ever ask for go off the deep end and die of drug overdose or suicide or just seem overwhelmingly unhappy!

It’s all a lie of the devil, of the world, and of our own fallen tendencies of the weak flesh. And it does not lead to happiness. There is nothing in the world that leads to true happiness. It may last for a time, for a while. But it will follow with pain. Maybe not until we are old and on our deathbeds, Zax. But when we lay there, knowing we will die, confronted with death and “the other side,” none of this will matter except that we have made decisions which have impacted our eternities…and all for a fleeting of transitory indulgence in ourselves and into the world.

We will die in sorrow and regret, and yet there will be, can be no greater regret than standing before the Sovereign Lord to have Him look at us and say, “depart from me, ye accursed, into the fires of hell which were prepared for you.”

Okay, 6 pages typed. I said this was the short version. My full conversion story alone is 10 pages.

But Zax, again please let me make something abundantly clear. I do love you. As a friend, as a fellow human being, as someone who knows you have been through a lot, struggled with a lot, etc. And now you are down this path, pretty drastically down it I would say and sort of “pot committed” to borrow a poker term perhaps poorly… But that is not the case. It is never too late to change or repent. Never. And so it is that I hope that if you read this message, and you do not like what I have to say, do not want to hear it, find yourself full of rage, hatred, anger, or perhaps instead of just believing that I am the one who is confused and know nothing…well just know that I will be and have been praying for you. And that it is never too late to change. And that if you get to a point in your life where things seem to be going nowhere, where this lifestyle maybe isn’t making you as happy as you imagined it would…you look me up. You find me. No idea where in the world I will be, but find me and you will have someone to talk to. That is a promise. That is what friends do. They don’t ever give up on or abandon another person.

I still have the letter/card your mom sent me 10 years ago thanking me for being a friend to you. I still remember the horrible things those guys did to you that night I was away. I pray for them too. Many of them are down paths far less hopeful…truly men of hatred and anger and selfishness. But I cannot stand in judgment until I change my ways too.
I pray this message will be well received. If anything, please just consider it. Weigh it out knowing it comes from a friend who is no bigot, no jerk or monster.

Praying for you, Zax. God Bless


Oh the issues I had when I read this, it did fill me with anger and hatred, that someone who knew me so well could believe so adamantly that LGBT is a 'lifestyle.'  For any of you out there reading this who still doubt, it is not a 'lifestyle' I would not 'choose' this for myself it is part of who we are and who we were born as.  My old-friend also writes about sexual deviation, and how having sex to do anything other than procreate is a sin, well anyone out there who thinks this means everyone in the world would be going to hell.  Even if the sexual act is for procreation, there is a secondary motive of pleasure behind it, granted some women do not climax or have difficulty doing so, so maybe his version of heaven is only filled with virgins and women who could not or would not enjoy sex. 

Either way, I find a lot of what is written to be falsehood.  And anyone who believes in LGBT as a 'lifestyle' choice I believe to be homophobic and transphobic.  They truly don't understand the reasons we are doing the actions and loving ourselves and others more in being who we truly are and always were.

I have to say at least as a MtF trans individual that my sex drive has gone way down, I masterbate less, have sex less, and find myself if anything 'freer' from the throws of sexual desires.  So to say or view Trans individuals as a sexual deviation, if you read some of my past posts you will see how I write about gender being completely different from sexual orientation.  That people of the world still connect the two is due to lack of education.
My response:

You are wrong. LGBT is not a lifestyle or a choice, it's part of who we are, and I may not have a job, I may have lost a lot of friends but perhaps as you found yourself in god and faith. I have found myself, I do have faith, it is definitely not the same as yours, but I will say this, My name is Rebecca, and if you can't accept that then I would prefer that you respect me enough to say nothing at all. I have talked to many devote individuals who believe as I do god has created all gay, lesbians, transgender, bisexuals, intersexuals and queers the way they are supposed to be. I don't need your confirmation to make me feel whole, I already am whole. I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and I work with professionals in their fields everyday. I'm working towards saving lives, not destroying them, I'm happy you found god, but he doesn't condemn LGBT people to hell. It's just not true.

in Matthew 19:12 “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb: (most likely referring to those being born intersex) and there are eunuch who were made eunuchs by men; (most likely referring to the practice of enslavement in ancient times) and there are also eunuchs who made themselves for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. HE, WHO IS ABLE TO ACCEPT THIS, LET HIM ACCEPT IT, (More than likely referring too many of us who choose to live without the genitalia born with)

Samuel 16:7 "But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. Zechariah

12:1 "The burden of the word of the LORD for Israel, saith the LORD, which stretcheth forth the heavens, and layeth the foundation of the earth, and formeth the spirit of man within him."

John 7:24: "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment"
I used scripture examples to try to speak to my 'friend' in his own language, use examples that counter the points he is trying to make.  To quote 'allow him to see the light' and error of his ways.  Though in reality I probably shouldn't of tried knowing from his message his beliefs and devotion on the topics.  It is highly unfortunate that people can be blinded so by a book written more than 3,500 years ago.  It is said that humans, us as individuals should not 'interpret' the word of 'God' as written.  But honestly, it was written by flawed humans, people like you and I who were 'chosen' as disciples, so they interpreted what was said when they wrote it.  Then there are pieces that have been lost forever and cannot be found, lost gospels and other information that was lost over time.  Then those pieces that are written are interpreted by those who do the rewrites and translations.  So diluted over the years the actual book while it may have some valuable stories, was just meant as that to be stories written to teach moral lessons. 
Some will say 'God' does not make mistakes, 'God' would not put a woman in a man's body.  Well then, I say this, why are there soo many counts of birth defects? Why is being trans not like any other birth defect? I say that I believe the higher power creates a perfect soul, and we are existing in our 'vessels' or meat suites so to speak, but that has no bearing on who we are or were.  So we are born, gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer or intersexed.  And there are many individuals and cases of intersexed people who are born with both genitalia.  So, I'm sorry but to believe that 'God' makes a perfect body is incorrect and contrary to the proof.
My 'friend's' response to my response:

I expected a similar response. I do not resent you, I do not wish to turn you away. But I must speak the truth. And you are confused and have been lied to and misled and poorly counseled.

God destroyed the entire city of Sodom for unnatural relations. Any use of the sexual/genital faculty outside of its intended purpose of procreation is a mortal sin, one of a spirit of self-indulgence, fornication, uncleanness and adultery, all of which are innumerably condemned in Sacred Scripture.

Romans 1:22-32 "For professing themselves to be wise, they became fools...Wherefore God gave them up to the desires of their heart, unto uncleanness, to dishonour their own bodies among themselves. Who changed the truth of God into a lie; and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. FOR THIS CAUSE GOD DELIVERED THEM UP TO THEIR SHAMEFUL AFFECTIONS, for their women CHANGED their use of the natural use into that which is AGAINST NATURE. And, in like manner, the MEN ALSO, LEAVING THE NATURAL USE of the women, have BURNED IN THEIR LUSTS TOWARD ONE ANOTHER, men with men WORKING IN THAT WHICH IS FILTHY, and receiving in themselves the recompense which was due to their error...(eternal punishment in Hell). Being filled with all iniquity, malice, fornication, avarice, wickedness, full of envy, murder, contention, deceit, malignity, whisperers, detractors, HATEFUL TO GOD, contumelious, proud, haughty, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Foolish, dissolute, without affection, without fidelity, without mercy. Who, having known the justice of God, DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WHO DO SUCH THINGS ARE WORTHY OF DEATH; and not only they that do them, BUT THEY ALSO WHO CONSENT TO THEM WHO DO THEM."

This is why I cannot accept this. I would be guilty of the crime as well.

I have my own things I should like very much to indulge in. Sexual ventures, promiscuity, fornication, masturbation. All of these are sins, though. Sins which my lower nature, my flesh, tells me to do but my conscience and the supernatural order set forth by our Lord Jesus Christ condemns.

Matthew 19:12 is referring to those who choose celibate lifestyles, aka monks, nuns and priests.

I am more than familiar with that verse as I am planning on committing to a celibate life.
Here is the full explanation of that verse: Ver. 12. And there are eunuchs, who have made themselves eunuchs, &c. It is not to be taken in the literal sense, but of such who have taken a firm and commendable resolution of leading a single life. --- He that can receive it, let him receive it. Some think that to receive, in this and the foregoing verse, is to understand; and so will have the sense to be, he that can understand what I have said of different eunuchs, let him understand it; as when Christ said elsewhere, he that hath ears to hear, let him hear. But others expound it as an admonition to men and women, not to engage themselves in a vow of living a single life, unless, after a serious deliberation, they have good grounds to think they can duly comply with this vow, otherwise let them not make it. Thus St. Jerome on this place, and St. Chrysostom where they both expressly take notice, that this grace is granted to every one that asketh and beggeth for it by prayer. (Witham) --- To the crown and glory of which state, let those aspire who feel themselves called by heaven.

God does not make mistakes and make us the wrong gender. That is just not true.
This would mean God is not perfect, and the entire faith comes crashing down.

You are quoting Sacred Scripture, but you do not understand that which you quote.

(I will insert a comment here, that I think is funny, he is a hypocrite right here, first stating that you cannot 'interpret' what is written, then doing so himself.)

1 Corinthians 2:14 - "But the sensual man perceiveth not these things that are of the Spirit of God; for it is foolishness to him, and he cannot understand, because it is spiritually examined."

You are not in a state of sanctifying grace, so you cannot see clearly. It is the same way that many of those who heard Jesus speak could not hear, could not see.
They were blinded, as Romans said, by their own passions and desires.
I do believe that you are happy. Right now. But what I am telling you is that this happiness will not last.

Any number of things could happen in your life that would destroy that happiness. Your family could die, animals, wife, etc. You could lose your home or job or car or end up poor. We could end up in world war III...and you would lose your happiness because it is not rooted in God Almighty, it is rooted in the pursuit of your own desires, even if you believe they are psychologically founded/rational.

Scripture is not yours to interpret how you see fit.

Proverbs 3:5 - "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" 2 Peter 1:20 - "Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet's own interpretation of things."

And righteous judgment comes from the one true Church of the living God, the Catholic Church. From all her infallible interpretations of Scripture and all her Holy and Sacred Traditions.

Proverbs 20:29 - "The wicked man impudently hardeneth his face: but he that is righteous, correcteth his way."

My message back was a humble admonition of your present course. I do not wish to project that I can even begin to understand anything you have been through in your life.
Just remember what I said. If you change your mind later in life, for it certainly will not be now but my a miracle of abounding grace, then you can always find me.

Until then, I will continue to pray for you.

God Bless
I see again soo much wrong with these writings and interpretations.  He states that because he is in the right 'state of mind' that he can see the truth of what is written.  We are all human we all have yin and yang, the good and the evil inside of us.  It is not as black and white as these devote religious people try to present.  Though there are many devote religious people who are in the same clear 'state of mind' and yet they interpret the scripture differently then it is written here.  We are flawed, no one knows the grand 'plan.'
Part of me wants to say this, and I know this post is very religious based but I suppose in part of our transitions that it is a journey through faith as well.  My 'happiness' is not based in physical things, there he is wrong and I agree that pleasure, materialistic and addictions are not true 'happiness.'  Though I have to say my spirituality is a heck of a lot easier to focus on and contemplate when I am true to myself.  Such as stated by Maslow in his Hierarchy:
I will also say this, for those of us who believe in a higher power.  I truly believe that on the night of my suicide I should have died.  The playstation controller which I used would not have untangled or untied itself, it just wasn't possible.  The options are, #1 I found my footing in a moment of survival instinct and was able to untie the 'noose' myself - which I find highly unlikely considering I passed out.  or #2 I intensely and saw the proverbial 'white light' I felt a presence there with me, and something leads me to believe it was my grandfather in angel form watching over me.
Based on the passages written by my 'friend' 'God' should have let me die, to then go to hell.  But I am alive, and I believe in destiny that I have some greater purpose, dare I say that I am chosen for something beyond myself.  So I go on living, and find happiness in my own spirituality.  While if it is true and if I am some sort of chosen person, it would shatter those who believe trans is a sin's views of what is real sin and what isn't.  Either way, it doesn't really matter what others believe, as long as I know what I believe and have faith in it.
My final response, I was not interested in having a 'flame' war so I just didn't continue to try to prove my point as I knew my 'friend' wasn't going to  hear what I had to say.

Please stop sending me messages, I will block / remove you if I have to, I would rather not, but these types of messages are nothing but hurtful and spiteful. Contradictions can be found throughout the bible in many different places so of course you can find scripture that you are interpreting in such a way that condemns a behavior. However that's all they are, beliefs.

Well I think this may be my longest post ever, sorry for the length of the article, but there was a lot discussed in this context.  And if anything my 'friends' hateful remarks made me look up and find my counter-points and answer with my own beliefs.

I do not condemn any religions and believe that we all have a right to our own faiths, so do not take what I say as the 'rule' I do not represent anyone other than my own opinions.

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