Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Ch 1: An Introduction to Me






  Hello World,

           First time blogging, guess I should start by introducing myself and letting you know who I am and why I am writing here for the world to see.  I understand that there are probably others out there like me, many afraid to come out of the proverbial 'closet,' and understand through my own searches that there is no clear cut nor great location to find all of the information you need.  I began my journey about six years ago now, from self-discovery to my eventual journey in my MtF transition.  I am currently four months into my hormone treatments and have found through sharing that many others out there are confused, unsure and don't really know what the 'process' is to start on your own journeys.  So, I was told by some friends and people in the community, "You are strong for what you are doing, and your strength has influenced more people than you know." I was also told that our generation now that it is more acceptable to be gay or lesbian as they fight for their rights to marriage, it's now our turn as the 'forgotten child.'

        So where do I start?  Starting from the beginning, I have to say I knew something was different about me even when I was very little.  Now for some at this age I'm told they already know they are a girl in a boys body, but for me I don't think I had the mental capacity to wrap my head around that idea.  Of course it probably didn't help that the boys on the playground would say girls have cooties and generally from a young age we are taught that to some degree girls are 'less than' boys.  So, part of my journey today from a social standpoint looks at the fact that as a white male I was typically at the top of the food chain so to speak so why would I want to lose this?  I guess the end answer is that it's more important to be true to yourself than to 'fake' it and go on lying to the world, the guilt and secrets and not being able to talk about dresses and dancing and pretty things just wasn't worth it anymore.  But I believe you see my point, that this generation there are typically a lot of stereotypes about 'trans' individuals and honestly FtM have at least an easier time being 'presentable' and accepted by the rest of the world, where as MtF have a different process and tend to look far 'stranger' by United States social standards wearing makeup, dresses, etc. Especially if facial hair and other masculine features are present and hard to get rid of without laser or electrolysis treatments.  Which of course cost time and money.

      Regardless, I guess I got a bit off track from my story, but the overall picture is just as important to understand and for me these writings are a journal of sorts to be able to process what I have gone through and better understand my own self in the process.  So, as a boy growing up in a primarily white male dominated world and having some physical attraction to the opposite sex, I really wasn't very in tune with myself at that time, other than knowing that looking back on the experience it was almost like I had a part of myself that was locked away that it wasn't 'safe' to share with others.  I dealt with bullying in school growing up, was never great at sports but was very competitive and enjoyed playing the games.  I was driven to win, played to the best of my abilities and excelled in math and history.  Strange combination, I know, usually it's English and History or Math and Science, but for some reason the science piece of memorization was never my forte and while I can write fairly well I am still no expert in grammar.  Either way, my vivid memories and first truly MtF bullying experience that I remember was in the 2nd grade when a bunch of the 'cool' kids started making fun of me and making bets that they thought I wore Barbie underwear.  So being a child, and seeing nothing wrong with it, and not wanting to be bullied I stood up in the lunchroom and pulled my pants down to show them that I was not wearing Barbie underwear.  Regardless this memory has stuck with me and I was of course sent to the school counselor to talk to him, though I don't think any of the counselors I talked to when I was younger were very good as I don't think any of them got me to talk about the actual issues. 

     Now at this point, my parents were together, I had two younger brothers born when I was four years old, and I had a rather 'normal' life.  My father and mother were alcoholic's, my father physically abusive, more so when drunk, my mother emotionally abusive by being distant and ignoring our needs to focus on herself.  My father smoked cigarettes around us growing up, and I have to say that I was a bad kid sometimes, I would swear at my mother, act out, and generally do things that would get me in trouble, from a social standpoint I was probably looking for attention even if it was negative.  Either way not a very healthy home life, though don't get me wrong I don't want you to think that my parents were awful monsters, they had good qualities too, it's just that these abuses even when far apart and few tend to stick with you a lot longer than the good memories.  Sad though it is, it's the same way with word of mouth through business, one negative review gets far more attention than ten positive reviews. 

to be continued...
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