Ch 22: Laid off - Journal Entry 1

Hello Everyone,

   I know it's been a few days since I last wrote.  Tuesday I believe, after getting laid off I had a lot on my mind and wasn't feeling up to writing in the past couple days.  Guess I went back into a small depression, which is completely normal given the situation but still I was unmotivated and having a hard time opening up and talking about my feelings probably because as I write about this it brings tears to my eyes to think about the feelings I've had over the last few days.

   Today is going to be more of a journal entry than an actual post, but I think this one at least is more about writing for myself and talking about what my rollercoaster of feelings has been in the last few days.  At first when I found out, I have to say I kind of expected it, but regardless it still sucked.  I came home Tuesday, talked to a lot of my friends and family, reached out knowing I needed help to bring myself away from the edge of the abyss.  Which I did, and was able to change the topic, I sat and read and did research and wrote about my seven answers to the questions in the previous chapter.  I looked at the social construct of money and the idea of creating out own community and was optimistic about the future.

   Unfortunately I woke up Wednesday and that optimism didn't last as long as I would have liked.  I spent the day applying to jobs all across the US, LinkedIn has been a good source of easily finding a bunch of jobs that I can apply for quite simply and quickly.  I looked at some more research and thought about writing, talked to my friends quite a bit, decided that I think I may put up one of my own videos asking for donations towards my medical procedures from strangers so at least I may not have to worry about that.  Financially though I'm not too worried outside of not being able to afford the vacation we wanted to this summer, or the additional procedures, hair removal and saving towards surgery for next year.  All in all though those things aren't earth shattering as I have dealt with my differences for years and can continue a while longer until something else comes along.  Either way my friend was very nice to offer to help edit and put together a short video for me, which I'm hoping to put together over the next couple weeks.  So I dwelled on the issue, fell in on myself and talked to people about how I was feeling.

   Wednesday evening I had class, not having to work, I took the time to shave my legs with an actual razor and not just the electrical one and wore my skirt and wig to class.  I would say through the class it was about 33% good, 33% neutral and 33% weird looks / possibly hostile.  Of course none of the hostile ones said anything directly too me, and my friend sitting near me turned around and said, 'don't worry it's going to be ok.'  So it's nice to know others are looking out for me and have my back, plus in an educated setting I didn't expect people to be as 'close minded' as in other settings so I thought it was a rather safe environment.  I do have to say with long hair one thing I never thought of is how much more difficult it is to drive with your perifrial view diminished.   And I had to stop and get gas, which was nerve racking but uneventful.

   Thursday I got up and went in to my routine dentist appointment early in the morning, was happy to be confronted with a very nice office of people.  I mentioned to the lady at the front desk that I was petitioning for a name change and she took the note to keep in my file.  The hygienist who brought me in asked if I wanted to change my photo they had on file 'in consideration of my situation' as the photo they have has me with a few days facial hair growth.  Of course I didn't really spend a lot of time making myself up for a photo so I said that we could wait until another time but the sentiment was very nice.  The hygienist who came in to work with me for my cleaning was also very nice and started chatting about the changes I was going through, recorded my preferred name, and proceeded to tell me all about all the strange things she views being a female entails.  While I didn't agree with all her points it was nice to have someone sit there and chat with me, or too me as my mouth usually had some sort of cleaning utensil in it so she did most of the talking, hehe, anyway I'm saying it was nice for her to treat me as one of the girls.

   From the dentists, I went down and stopped at the courthouse, went into the probate office to fill out the name change request officially.  Found out I needed cash as they wouldn't take a check, so I had to leave and go to the bank and come back.  Filled out the forms required and got a court date for the hearing on July 10th.  Not such a long wait, and the only requirement they wanted to see the copy of my birth certificate which I had with me, and then stated that I have to write letters to my wife, parents and creditors over $1,000 explaining the name change request.  I haven't written the letters yet, but I do have a month to get them out, though it doesn't seem like a big deal as everyone except my creditors knows already.  Then when the official change happens the pain in the butt part begins changing my information on bills, licenses, and any documents that come to me.  At least I've tried to ease the process by changing my name on my personal networks already.

   Thursday evening I immersed myself in League of Legends, trying to release and forget the world and my problems for a little while.  Sometimes though it can make me more upset.  lol.  The game is supposed to be fun, but I'm at the point where I'm trying to move up in 'rank' and the system is very difficult to climb the ranks, so when I get teamates that are horrible and I lose a few games in a row I usually have to walk away as at that point I'm just getting mad at the game.  And if the game is making me mad, well then it's not fun and not serving its purpose.

   Friday morning I met with Big Brothers Big Sisters to go over my new match.  It was a very pleasant conversation, though I think I talked too long and kept the girl interviewing me a little longer than she had planned.  Oh well, I think she understood my 'excitement' to talk and share my experiences.  I was also pleased to find out that I think this time they are going to match me as a Big Sister, which to me is just another step in validating my true self.  I also got an email from one of my friends I go to my Masters courses with on Wednesday evenings that said she thought I was very pretty in what I chose to wear on Wednesday evening.  So I got a small swell of self-confidence from that.  Then Friday evening I was back at my game, trying to win my way up the ranks.

   Yesterday I slept in till about noon, after I staid up playing games way too late Friday evening.  And I spent most of the day playing with the dogs, my games, spending time with my wife, we went grocery shopping, and went out and saw the Hangover 3.  Movie review: better than Hangover 2, but still didn't have the same fall on the floor laughing from shock and surprise as the first one did, of course this is because after two of them in the third one you kind of expect something crazy to happen.

   And today, more games, and then I spent almost five hours on an Accounting exam that was due tonight.  Don't know if I did it all 100% correct or in the format the teacher wants, but I know I did well enough to the point that if I had to deal with a similar situation in the real world as the problems presented to me I would know enough to be able to create the statements needed.  I find a lot of times I get points off for listing journal entries or something that they didn't want or that were irrelevant to what the question was asking, though I've always felt listing more is better than less.  Either way those types of things don't usually come up in the real world, as you usually have a supervisor or a historic document to go by to determine which activities are actually material to the information at hand.

   Sorry for rambling, and sorry for not writing the last few days, I'll put more up shortly about my experiences and also the type of community and world I hope we can create together.  Sometimes we get sidetracked and in part of my own journey I had to take a couple days to try to straiten my own thoughts and feelings out.

Hope everyone is well,

To be continued...

Ch 21: We Happy Trans Becca's 7 Questions - Let's change the world

   Hello fello trans, family, friends and followers,

   Today I will start by letting you all know that I was laid off from my job yesterday.  I won't talk much about it as I don't want to write anything that would get me in to trouble other than it happened.  I work as an accountant and have a close friend who grew up on a farm and currently works as an engineer.  After losing my job yesterday I started thinking about the whole social structure about society as a whole and how the world operates.  I reached out and talked to friends and others for support.  I'll be honest I went to an online crisis worker to talk out my issues and calm myself down backing away from the edge of the proverbial cliff.

   And I decided today would be a good day to do my 7 Questions:

We Happy Trans - 7 Questions Rebecca A

1) What’s your name? Chosen or otherwise. Now, beyond your name, I personally don’t really care how you identify. I’m not entirely comfortable with defining myself in the terms we’re given, and I kind of enjoying watching my mind struggle to gender someone. It’s an automatic habit, and not one I care to assist. However, if it’s important to you to be know as a trans man or woman, cross-dresser, queer, androgynous, non-binary, or whatever, or if you want people to use certain pronouns when referring to you in comments or discussion, go ahead and lay those on us. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

My name is Rebecca, and I am female heart and soul ;).

2) Who has been most supportive of your transition? If you haven’t started transition, who’s been most supportive of your gender expression, questioning or explorations?

My wife and my mother have been most supportive and been available to talk to and lend an ear when times get tough.  

3) What do most enjoy about your life since beginning transition? That is, what are some of the things you love doing now, that you couldn’t do before? And if you’re not there yet, what about the possibility of transition excites you the most? What do you look forward to?

I look forward to and am happy with beginning to express and be myself.  I was in pain, tired of hiding and am really glad at the positive mood boost I have had since starting hormones and beginning to tell and express my true self to others I know and some I don't know.

4) Who are your trans role models? or Who have you looked up to in the trans community? Who inspires you? Whether it’s someone you know, or someone you’ve admired from afar, this is your chance to give a shout out.

My friend Jen is a big help, she is also MtF and honestly I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met her, she's a great guidance, mentor and helps a lot with preparing me for changes to come.  I am also a big fan of all of the heads of the social movements, look up to Jen Richards and others like her.

5) What change(s) would you most like to see in the world? This can be trans related, or not, but we’d love to know where your passion lies.

Ok, now this is probably the area I have the longest response for, I want to start by defining some terms:

"Crowdsourcing is, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the practice of obtaining needed services, ideas, or content by soliciting contributions from a large group of people, and especially from an online community, rather than from traditional employees or suppliers.^[1] Often used to subdivide tedious work or to fund-raise startup companies and charities, this process can occur both online and offline.^[2] It combines the efforts of crowds of self-identified volunteers or part-time workers, where each one on their own initiative adds a small portion that combines into a greater result. Crowdsourcing is different from an ordinary outsourcing since it is a task or problem that is outsourced to an undefined public rather than to a specific, named group," (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowdsourcing).

"The Venus Project is an organization that proposes a feasible plan of action for social change, one that works towards a peaceful and sustainable global civilization. It outlines an alternative to strive toward where human rights are no longer paper proclamations but a way of life," (http://www.thevenusproject.com/).
You can also watch their video which is really interesting on the website too.

"The Hutterites are a communal people, living on hundreds of scattered bruderhöfe or colonies throughout the prairies of northwestern North America. On average, fifteen families live and work on the typical Hutterite colony, where they farm, raise livestock and produce manufactured goods for sustenance," (http://www.hutterites.org/).


Now Trans related, looking at these examples, we see thriving societies within themselves, we talk a lot about the social and economic problems faced by trans individuals but little about how to improve the position and/ or eliminate them completely.  My suggestion and belief is that as a community we can come together and help each other create our own living space, our own living community, and eventually become self-sustaining.  In pooling our resources and knowledge, along with the fact that trans are generally considered to have above average intelligence why do we continue to let others determine our future? Why do we run in the rat race? Why not change the rules and start working towards making our own safe haven, our own community and bringing together people from all walks of life to share their skills and benefit us all.



6) What are you doing to make those changes happen? That’s right all, no getting off the hook! We’re all in this big ol’ mess together, and we each need to do our part. Share with us how you’re the change you want to see.

 What am I doing? I am proposing an idea, blogging and trying to pull together all of the research and information I find to have one central source of information on transgender issues and what steps to take in the process.  I am hoping I can change the world and the way we look at things and begin the discussion and hopefully one day I may be seen as a revolutionary for coming up with an idea that has practiced examples that we can use as a foundation for our own community.

And finally, magical number 7, tell us something, anything, special and unique about you, your interests, your story. Never forget, gender is just one part of the larger project of becoming a fully authentic human being.

Something interesting, hmmm... I'm a gamer, currently play League of Legends and GW2.  I work in the accounting field, which is kind of a terribly boring and 'stiff' job for someone with our creativity, but I love the work I do.  And as you've read above I really hope I can be a drop in the pond that does start some change in the world.

Once Again I ask for help, response and ideas on how to make my dream of a trans community a reality, please reach out, offer your support and ideas anyway you can, and let me know if your interested.  As the only real thing a community project needs is people to create the community.  I have faith in the kindness and love of our society, and believe if we work together we can make our own destiny.

to be continued...

Ch 20: Why being a good MtF trans is not necesarrily a 'good' thing

   Hello All,

   I came across a couple very interesting articles today, first I'll talk about the idea of being a 'good' transgender individual.  With the trans stereotype of transgender individuals being oversexed, and 'easy' the perception is that we are all street-walkers.  Which of course is not the case, and in many instances it was found that transgender individuals have above average intelligence.  While based on circumstances a higher proportion of our population than any other population works in the sex industry many who do work in the industry wouldn't do so if they could make a living another way.

   Below is a link, I couldn't figure out how to embed the video so the link will have to do for now of Bailey Jay.  While she works in the sex industry the video itself comes from We Happy Trans and is a very honest and truthful depiction of why she chooses this sort of lifestyle.  There are many females and males who do the same when they find that they can't make the money and living they want to any other way.  Personally I don't look down on people like this, but at the same time we have to remember that these people are the exception not the rule:

7 Questions – Bailey Jay | We Happy Trans

   Anyway, back to the discussion of 'good' and 'bad' trans, so the article I found is entitled 'I'm a Transwoman and I'm not interested in being one of the 'Good Ones.'

   "My friend thought his acquaintance might be able to give me some tips on surviving as a trans woman. I was thrilled. Here, I though, was someone who had the answers. Surely she would be able to point me in the right direction. We had arranged to meet in a coffee shop. In my excitement I arrived an hour early. It was going to be awesome.

   What actually happened was that she showed up and asked why I wasn't dressed like a woman. I was wearing skinny jeans, a studded belt, and an ironic t-shirt. I liked how I looked. I looked, in my opinion, like a queer woman in her mid-twenties on her day off, which, shockingly, I was.
But no, I was informed, I wasn't being a woman right.

   She was neither the first nor the last person to inform me that I'm doing it wrong. There was I woman I met soon after moving back up to Boston in 2011. She had transitioned in her teens and most folks wouldn't know she was trans unless she wanted to tell them. She had a real heart for women who were just starting transition, but she had expectations for those people. She couldn't stand 'bricks.' She explained that bricks were women who looked "like a man in a dress." A cinderblock was even worse. A trans guy who was too femme was feathery.
   
   I've been told that if I'd only start pitching my voice up, or stop wearing pants, or start wearing make up, I could totally pass, that no one would have to know the shameful secret that I'm a trans person.

   There's another side too. In college I asked the instructor of a Women's Studies course I took if she could recommend any reading on trans issues. She suggested Sheila Jeffreys' 2005 book 'Beauty and Misogyny,' which contains a delightful chapter in which Jeffreys uses pornography depicting young trans women of color to explain why there's no such thing as trans and how trans women(no mention of trans men or non-binary folks for some reason) are actually evil, essentially pornographic simulacra reinforcing harmful gender tropes.

   It's a great double bind. If you present in a traditionally feminine way, you're just being a misogynistic parody of a woman, and if you fail to present in a traditionally feminine way, well ha! There's the proof that you're not really a woman right there.

   And even if you are "really a woman," that might not be enough. At a Christmas party last December a Smith alumna defended Smith's decision not to accept trans feminine students by explaining that even if trans women were women, they had still been socialized as boys and men, and that Smith, as a safe space for women and trans men, had a right to defend their students from such people, from the inexorcisable specter of their privilege.

   I know women who identify as "heterosexual with a transgender history." They're trying so hard to get away.

   But you know what's worse than being somebody's idea of a bad tranny? Being somebody's idea of a good tranny, an acceptable tranny," (http://www.autostraddle.com/im-a-trans-woman-and-im-not-interested-in-being-one-of-the-good-ones-172570/)

   Now you can start to see the reasoning behind why the words and language we use to describe ourselves is so important.  As the author states we are in a double bind where if we aren't girl enough we aren't living up to the expectation of what we are supposed to be and therefore not women at all.  But if we are over the top girly then we can enter the world of being considered a tranny who may be expected to do sexual favors, or have other equally horrible forms of discrimination pointed at us.

   In Pakistan we see this trend emerging, basically because homosexuality is outlawed men who like other men or who are indeed transgender both have to either transition or be put to death for kissing or having relations with another man.  On the other hand Pakistan is reveled as their laws came to accept transgender individuals as a 'third' gender.

   "In Pakistan, there are an estimated 500,000 "eunuchs" -- a community of castrated men, hermaphrodites, transsexuals, transvestites and homosexuals, traditionally paid to help celebrate the birth of a son or to dance at weddings.

   When the Supreme Court in 2009 recognised them as a "third gender", ordering they be issued with separate identity cards, it was hailed as a landmark decision in a nation battling enormous human rights abuses and chronic violence.

   But in a country where sexual relations outside marriage are taboo and homosexuality is illegal, transgender people are treated as sex objects and often become the victims of assault, ending up as little more than beggars," (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/18/pakistan-transgender-political-candidates-_n_3106370.html?utm_hp_ref=transgender).

   In other countries, primarily the United Kingdom, Ireland and Scotland the policy has been in place and it is accepted to transition but it has been found through law that if the transgender individual does not disclose their identity before intimate relations occurs then they can be persecuted under fraud.  Basically disclaiming the claim that a transitioned individual is actually a woman or man when they are done transitioning.  They also have a rule that if a married individual finds out that their partner is transgender in the first three years of marriage that is automatically grounds for marriage annulment assuming the partner did not know beforehand.  So, for being themselves they are persecuted as being fraudulent, given probation, community service and in rare cases jail time.  This seems highly unfair, however on the other hand, the other individuals argument is that they can be traumatized and have long lasting affects from having relations with someone they thought was a 'man' or 'woman' but was indeed trans.  This opens the grounds for the discussion on what constitutes gender and who's rights should be protected.  But with rulings like this it invalidates any meaning an individual had from being affirmed as female or male in the first place.

   In previous chapters we talked about how many individuals even after fully transitioning put that part of their lives behind them and live fully as a male or female depending on the situation.  By hiding their past they are committing fraud? Committing a crime? I would argue they are just being who they are, somehow I don't think that seems right.  Though I guess I am biased as I am gender dysphoric myself.

to be continued...

Ch 19: Spiritual Journey of Trans and the conversation of Love

   Hello, hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend,

   Last time I wrote I left you with a little 'cliff-hanger' on my first girlfriend.  In speaking about emotions it opened me to remembering this experience of naive behavior that I had when I was about fourteen, a freshman in high-school and head-over-heals for this girl.  Now the reality of the situation is I had no idea what love was or what was happening or what a relationship meant.  And honestly the relationship itself lasted a week and all we did was hold hands and pass notes in class and talk on the phone.  But I suppose that is how all relationships have to start, phone, written world and reaching out to hold each others hand in support.

   Either way, I remember walking around that week with my head held high with a stupid grin on my face because I felt and believed that this girl 'loved' or really liked me.  And in my belief, I was amazed that I could find someone in the world that would want to be a part of my life and like me that much.  In a way I look back at it and think I was very much the 'girl' in not really knowing what to do, not understanding that there were likely other expectations of kissing, hugging and other things that I just really didn't know how to even initiate never mind what to do after the initiation.  So, I was a hopeless romantic and she moved on to the next boy, but that relationship left me jaded in some ways, I cried for almost two days after she broke up with me and don't think still to this day I have ever truly fully let my guard down.  Not that I don't want to, but just the barrier we build in a way to protect ourselves from being hurt like that again begins to be built.  Don't get me wrong I love and express my love to my wife, I just don't think I leave myself completely vulnerable to her in every way.  I'm not dependent on her as we are a team now, and can and should be able to operate both together and as individuals.

   Once again we segway nicely to the next topic, now I know a lot of people don't like talking about spirituality and everyone has their own beliefs.  But today I watched Kumare, watched a few of the 7 questions projects on We Happy Trans, and then started watching the ABC show Scandal, where the main character says something to the effect of, 'I come to you not to save you from persecution but from personal experience to let you know that who we love, and who we are is something that shouldn't have to be a secret.'  In the show she is talking to an ex-military individual who was gay, and would have to reveal being gay in order to corroborate his alibi.

   Now in looking at this military individuals case he viewed being gay as shameful, that he was publicly republican, a war hero and possibly going to be running for Senate at some point in the future.  That having it publicly known that he was gay somehow tarnished his reputation and changed who he was.  But we all have to find that strength in ourselves and say to the world, "Here I Am!"  We all do it in our own way, some of us with more stealth than others, but in the end the reaction and what we want from society is the same.  We want them to view us as who we are inside, who we have always known ourselves to be, but have been too afraid to show the world because the skin we are in doesn't match who our spirit is.

   So, spiritually in going through this experience we look at Kumare, a man trying to find his own spirituality through others in trying to portray his best self.  " 'When I was creating Kumare, who is this guy going to be, I was looking at the big ones, Jesus, Buddah, what did they say? What did they do? And the one thing I couldn't get down with that they could was saying that they had authority,' Gandhi explained. 'Kumare was about saying he didn't have authority.'

    Kumare's message was simple: The only guru you need is inside yourself -- that's the cornerstone of Kumare's invented 'mirror philosophy.'

    'I wanted to sort of tell a cautionary tale about spiritual leaders,' he said. 'We trick ourselves to believe them so we can be happier too, so this was just sort of trying to unveil the trick.'

    Gandhi said he would tell every yoga class, and repeatedly tell his band of followers, that Kumare was not real, that he was no more a guru than the people in front of him. 

    'People often thought that was a riddle because the accent, because of the robe and because of what we are programmed to think as a holy man,' he said. 'It might be naïve, but I think everybody has a similar potential to be wise and good,' " (http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/kumare-fake-guru-exposes-real-desperate-desire/story?id=16980674#.UZgyzMoTTBQ).

   But just as we being trans are inside someone else by gender, why is it not the same for everyone?  Why do we not all have this potential locked within ourselves, held back by fear and discrimination?  This is not an issue exclusive to the trans or gender dysphoric community, it is an issue that is universally understood.  We all want to be able to unlock our true selves to put our best foot forward and turn the other cheek, but we make mistakes and we have a hard time allowing our true and 'best' selves to come out because of the fear that keeps it hidden inside.

   Well, I say that we can no longer be afraid, that fighting among ourselves as trans, gender dysphoric, cross-dressers, gay, lesbian and straight alike.  It is time for the 'true' ideal and idea behind the word communism comes to the forefront, any of you who know what I'm talking about may find it hard to believe that the human race or humans as a species may ever be ready for this idea.  Now I'm not talking about communism in the sense of Russia under Stalin, or China with a central government that controls all property and everything.  But a commune in which we as a people across the world come together to not hate, to love and help each other, because we are more effective and efficient if we share ideas and can trust each other than we are if we fear and hate each other.  Honestly my goal in making the world a better place is to hopefully see a day where we can work together, where the economy isn't about who has the most money or stuff, but in helping feed, house, cloth, and prosper the world by elevating the people to work together.

to be continued ...

Ch 18: MtF PMS

   So, for probably the past three days now I have to say I feel like I'm getting my first PMS.  Granted there is no menstruation so it can't be a literal PMS, but I have had slight headaches, cramping and bloating, hard time concentrating and just overall emotional variations.  While I've been taking a level does, perhaps some of it is mental but my wife and both of my female co-workers are all on their period so it almost feels as if I have 'synced' up.

   On one hand it feels kind of neat, on the other hand it's a pain in the butt.  Now there is no scientific data to back up these feelings but a number of MtF individuals have reported similar experiences.  For all those genetic females out there I now know some of what you feel and don't blame you at all for being your cranky selves.  I would be too if mother nature was messing with me like that.  Heck I kind of am, probably not to the extreme some women feel but all the same it is something.

   "Exactly what causes premenstrual syndrome is unknown, but several factors may contribute to the condition:

• Cyclic changes in hormones. Signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome change with hormonal fluctuations and disappear with pregnancy and menopause.
• Chemical changes in the brain. Fluctuations of serotonin, a brain chemical (neurotransmitter) that is thought to play a crucial role in mood states, could trigger PMS symptoms. Insufficient amounts of serotonin may contribute to premenstrual depression, as well as to fatigue, food cravings and sleep problems.
• Depression. Some women with severe premenstrual syndrome have undiagnosed depression, though depression alone does not cause all of the symptoms.
• Stress. Stress can aggravate some of your PMS symptoms.
• Poor eating habits. Some PMS symptoms have been linked to low levels of vitamins and minerals. Other possible contributors to PMS include eating a lot of salty foods, which may cause fluid retention, and drinking alcohol and caffeinated beverages, which may cause mood and energy level disturbances," (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome/DS00134).

   "Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) has a wide variety of symptoms, including mood swings, tender breasts, food cravings, fatigue, irritability and depression. An estimated 3 of every 4 menstruating women experience some form of premenstrual syndrome. These problems tend to peak during your late 20s and early 30s. Symptoms tend to recur in a predictable pattern. Yet the physical and emotional changes you experience with premenstrual syndrome may be particularly intense in some months and only slightly noticeable in others.

   Still, you don't have to let these problems control your life. Treatments and lifestyle adjustments can help you reduce or manage the signs and symptoms of premenstrual syndrome,"(http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome/DS00134).

   As you can see from the above definition though there is nothing linking the PMS even though it's consider pre-menstrual to the actual menstruation.  The changes that cause the differences are largely or most commonly accepted as being a change in hormones, brain chemicals and overall personal care.  So given this it would seem that my evaluation of myself, while again not a professional opinion appears to be accurate.  As it is likely that I am going through hormone level changes and the estrogen itself does cause differences in brain activity, the likelihood that I would have similar symptoms is great.

  Ok, so today's topic seems to surround emotional changes and hormones, in being emotional I was artistic again today and am going to share a couple poems I wrote:

   Them:

   We are them,
   the few,
   the misunderstood,
   the lost,
   and confused,
   We are them,
   searching for ourselves,
   our outside appearances not matching who we are on the inside,
   and wishing the world will accept us as we are,
   We are them,
   in finding ourselves,
   accepting ourselves,
   and becoming externally who we are internally,
   We are them,
   searching,
   finding,
   accepting and being set free.

   Misunderstood:

   How can I explain to you a feeling,
   something inside,
   so innate and core to who I am,
   that doesn't match how I appear,
   doesn't match how I sound,
   or how you view me,
   But I know who the true me is,
   Why is it so hard to accept that you may not have to understand,
   Just trust that I know what is best for me.

   Princess:

   I sparkle and twirl,
   dance and frolic,
   put on my gown,
   my makeup,
   and do my hair,
   I am pretty,
   enjoying my reflection in the mirror,
   and then place my tiara on my head,
   only to be caught,
   I hear,
   "What are you doing?"
   "Your not a girl."
   and I sigh wondering if my dream can ever be a reality.

   So, in discussing emotions and the vast range, even my wife has been saying it's a pleasure for her because she can read my face better than when I was male.  Not that the emotions aren't there for guys as well, they are just subdued, I thought I was an emotional male and may have been but on estrogen the feelings and emotions are amplified.  In talking and writing about this it reminds me of how I was with the girl I considered my first girlfriend...

to be continued...

Ch 17: Importance of a Name and the Adjectives used

    Hope everyone had a wonderful day,

   First thank you to all my wonderful readers.  We officially moved passed 1000 views early this morning.  My first milestone, not only to write to help myself but hoping that I will reach out to the community and be able to help others by pulling together the resources needed and trying to find in my own research answers to the most common questions along with a centralized location to find the information.  While I have mixed in my personal story and have let you know that this is an opinion blog largely, I hope that my opinions are well structured so even if you don't agree with them you can see the logic behind the idea.

   Today I would like to talk about the importance of a name.  "Theirs [Transgender individuals] are among hundreds of names a Manhattan court has changed over the last few years for transgender New Yorkers. That tally, specialists in the relatively new field of transgender law say, may make the borough’s workaday Civil Court one of the country’s biggest official name swappers — male names for female, vice versa and ambiguous.

    Changing a name might seem like a minor matter for those who are changing their gender identities and, for some, facing challenges like finding knowledgeable doctors, trying hormones and experimenting with painful hair-removal procedures. But many who have gone through the switch say a name change sends an important message to the world, a message solidified and made official with a court’s approval," (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/25/nyregion/25namechange.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0).

   This conversation of names came up, while I won't give specifics because of confidentiality I will say that I went to group for the first time, decided to reach out to PFLAG.  They work in collaboration and with TNET, PFLAG stands for parents, family, friends and allies of gay, lesbian and transgender individuals.  I more point out the source of the discussion as a resource to be sought out and used by anyone else who can use it, and more importantly for those who are transgender individuals to give you a forum and place to not only get support but to also inform the parents, friends, family and allies of what it actually is that you are going through.  These insights can be extremely helpful for others who may be having a hard time grasping the effect and meaning that their own child is gay, lesbian or transgendered but when looking at a third party and in hearing your story they can more easily relate and in doing so correspond what you are going through to what their child may be feeling.  While it is not necessarily the same, children when first discovering these feelings are often battling with internal self-doubt and denial, so for parents to have a resource to be able to get the information and education needed this is the first step towards open acceptance and equality.

   So, the importance of the name, as the NY Times article above points out it is for you as the individual the transgendered person a symbol.  While the process in and of itself may not be as difficult as some of the other processes we go through the symbol and the meaning behind it gives you validity that you are who you say you are and that's how you want to be viewed by the rest of the world.  It's not a wish-washy decision, it is set in stone and in order to be undone would involve having another court hearing in front of a judge.

   To go along with the name, the pronouns used, the he's, she's, girl, boy, male, female pronouns are extremely important.  While at first some may not mind the occasional slip up the immense joy of being called by one's 'rightful' name cannot be measured.  It is also something that many transgender individuals will make a point to correct others and get upset when a mistake is made.  In the end though each individual will have their own timetable and be prepared in their own time to want to be referred to in a certain way.

to be continued...

Ch 16: Puberty the teenage horror story and how many trans hide from the world

    I'm sorry I didn't post this weekend, it's funny how it works I find more time during the week to sit and write than I do during the weekend when I have the whole day to myself.  I guess it's a routine thing, the structure of the day helps time not get away from me.  Where as the weekend there is no set schedule so it's easy to lose yourself in a project and not realize the whole day has passed you by.  It's all relative really, the older you get the faster time goes because you've experienced more of it.

   That and this weekend I was rather down on myself.  I was excited about a few things, and I'll just say sometimes even if your ready and excited other people in your life may not be ready.  I understand the fact that my loved ones are losing 'the male' they knew and that I am slowly changing into someone else.  But as we stated before in any relationship regardless of transgender or not change is inevitable as people grow and expand they change.

   This segways nicely into todays topic of change.  "[E]veryday Transsexual Teens go through a real life horror story called puberty. Body Parts are turning into something foreign to them. Voices are changing, things are growing. They are becoming their worst nightmare right inside of their own skin, something repulsive to them. Its sheer terror. Meanwhile their peers are going through the same thing but its different for them. They embrace their metamorphosis as the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Their minds and bodies become one. This is not the case of the Transsexual teen.

In the movies at least the victim at least has other characters to share their terror with. In real life though transsexual teens often go through their horror alone. Most dare not share what's happening to them. They dare not tell their homophobic parents and most have few if any real friends. Most school counselors are ill trained and overcome with their own prejudices to be helpful. The terror is the same whether its for male to female (MTF) Transsexuals or female to males. Who do they tell? Imagine the terror as a Teen FTM has monthly periods and an MTF Transsexual has nocturnal erections. Who will quiet their nightmares?

   Teenage years are difficult enough for everyone. It certainly is no picnic even for a psychologically healthy kid. A transsexual teen though does not have this advantage. Their minds and bodies are not in harmony with each other. Most have know this from their earliest memories at the age of four or five. Growing up knowing you are a different gender than what you appear is the essence of a living nightmare," (http://www.lauras-playground.com/horror_films.htm).

   I understand the sentiment behind this statement, while being a guy I didn't go through it to quite the degree it is stating I can imagine for a FtM individual it would be very distressing to grow breasts that they felt were not supposed to be there.  While as a 14 year old boy with my parents divorcing, I had a surge of hormones, but my body didn't change much from what it had already been.  I had been dealing with the inner feelings my whole life and had come to learn how to hide them to be generally accepted in public, by friends, family and everyone I knew.  I based who I was off of their expectations and not my own.

   "If my mail is any indication though, there is an entire group of people who rarely see the light of day. They spend their lives or a good part of them in their homes with the shades drawn, their ears pricked for every sound that someone might be coming. They are ready to change in a moments notice all to avoid the specter of disapproval and in some cases even death.

   These people are Transgendered. They are cross-dresses and Transsexuals. Some are Female to Male (FTM) and others are Male to Female (MTF's). Of course not all of them are hiding. However out of the last 200 letters I've received well over 75% seem to be in at least some partial form of hiding.

   Some Transsexuals in transition go to work in their new gender as Required in the Real Life Test (RLT), they legally change their names and are subjected to daily harassment and unpleasant gossip by their co-workers. Yet after work they are at home instead of living their lives as every other citizen seems to have the right to do.

   Sadder yet is that this exile is often self imposed. Its a way to avoid the taunts that many of us have endured since childhood. Those that pass in the other gender usually live stealth where no one knows their secret. Those that don't pass are likely Vitamin D deficient from the absence of sunlight that touches our bodies," (http://www.lauras-playground.com/hiding_dark.htm).

   Even those of us who are open and true about ourselves, usually face harsh resistance from the world.  Many of the people in our lives are as I said before not ready for the steps we ourselves may be ready to take.  In having such a different and varying world a lot of times even if we come out and tell everyone our intentions it feels like we are taking one step forward and ten steps back.  Facing roadblocks, inequality standards and harassment at every turn.

   To me it is like a character in a game I play, he is a scarecrow who uses the crows he attracts to kill his enemies.  There is a comic strip that shows a bunch of the girl characters of the game having a birthday party, and the scarecrow breaks out of the cake in an attempt to destroy those who had put him in the 'evil' light.  Some of you may know this better from watching Wreck it Ralph, where the cartoon character was tired of being the 'bad-guy' and wanted to win a metal to prove that he could change his colors.  In the end sometimes it's that simple, and as the ending to the scarecrow story goes, 'He just wanted a birthday party.'

   So we as a people are demonized, stereotyped into something we are not, afraid of the world and all that it holds it is no wonder that we hide.  It is funny too as the quote above states that even after we are finished our transitions, those of us who decide to not have genital surgery hide our own secret and those of us who do, hide our past.  Why is it so shameful for us to be who we are? I'm not sure, but I think it has more to do with the inability of others to understand us, rather than how well we understand ourselves.

to be continued ...