Ch 15: Ready to start Transition? General steps and procedures

    In discussions today now that we have talked about coming out, and what that entails I thought I would talk about the general steps involved in a transition.  Generally speaking someone looking to transition should likely be in counseling for three to six months before being recommended to a endocrinologist.  At which point the individual should discuss the transition process with their PCP and be referred to an endocrinologist if they intend to start hormone therapy.  Now the endocrinologist I went to then wanted me to see an actual psychologist for confirmation, this is not always the case, but in some cases to work with a local doctor they want to make sure you are certain and get a second opinion before you start taking 'drugs' that will alter your mind and body.

   Now it is possible to start or have started the living as a female or male one year requirement, though under insurances sometimes for surgery for FtM they require a twenty-four month period.  Not really sure why the difference in time just that that's what the insurance I have requires for reimbursement.  Personally I have been on hormones now five months, and will likely start being 'full-time' with wig and name change sometime at the beginning of July.  That gives me twelve months plus before my planned surgery in or about September 2014.  Surgery itself can involve facial augmentation, breast implants and the vaginoplasty.  Personally I'm hoping I only need the vaginoplasty.

   Recovery time for surgery is generally a minimum of two weeks before normal tasks can be undertaken and treatment is ongoing for cleanliness and to make sure no complications occur.  At that point the only thing left to do is either hope your hair on your head grows out or continue to wear a wig, and for those who are hairy they may need to have some form of hair removal done to be considered passable.  Name changes and gender change procedures for licenses and birth certificates are different by the laws of each state.

   So, Hormones, most common is some sort of estrogen, estrodial being the most common and some sort of androgen blocker like spironolactone.  The androgen blocker acts to inhibit the release of testosterone to reduce its affects on the body and let the estrogen become the primary hormone in the body.  Now the controversial hormone or one that isn't always used is Progesterone, while some argue that the added breast growth happens naturally and there are no proven additional side affects beyond what estrogen already causes, others believe the risks outweigh the advantages.

   "Background on Normal Natal Female Breast development.

     Soucasaux (2003) provides a useful but brief overview of natal female breast development but there are many more online articles. Natal female breast development starts in female puberty that precedes the start of menstruation (menarche). Natal means that the female designation was determined at birth. Breast development proceeds in 5 anatomical stages know as the Tanner Stages of breast development (Tanner 1981, 2010) based on nipple and breast structure.

     The two primary tissues in the breast that undergo development are the lobular (milk-producing lobes) and ductwork (milk delivery) tissues. Lobes are made up of clusters of acini (from the Latin for berry because of they form clusters like blackberries on a vine) which are the milk-producing structures. The acini are also called alveoli. During Tanner Stages 1-4 breast development and growth is mediated by estrogen and influences primarily the ductwork tissue. Tanner stage 5 extends into early adulthood and may not be completed until pregnancy.

From Soucasaux (2003)

     When menstruation starts (menarche) progesterone begins to surge on a monthly basis and influences development of lobular structures (Brisken 2002). Progesterone is released in the second half of the menstrual cycle from the body and the corpus luteum, the remnant of the follicle that contained the egg released from the ovary; this surge in progesterone prepares the uterine lining for implantation of the embryo and pregnancy. During pregnancy a bigger and longer surge of progesterone completes breast development and greatly increases breast size in preparation for infant nursing," (http://biopsychologytstg.cniib.com/Biopsychology_TSTG/?p=83).

   While the risks associated with progesterone can be various in nature and each case should be taken in a case by case basis.  It seems the largely accepted practice is to start on one medicine, monitor the reaction, increase dosage and allow the body to get used to the adjustments slowly.  This allows the doctor to make adjustments as needed and stop the intake of the hormones if something in the process goes wrong or a side affect shows up.

   But once MtF individuals reach a given stage of breast growth where the estrogen isn't going to naturally boost breast growth further the risks of progesterone should be measured against those of implant surgery.  Generally speaking without the science to back it up and with lack of studies on the area there is no proven increased risk beyond the side affects estrogen already causes.  That being said we don't know if it will compound some of the possible risk areas or increase the chances beyond what the estrogen already causes.  In either case there are risks with implant surgeries as well, and personally if I can naturally grow my breasts to a 'normal' size without implants I would rather have that option given to me than be forced to spend a lot of money on a surgery I probably wouldn't need.
   
     "So should MTF TS take Progesterone as part of HRT? The answer, like a lot of medical decisions, is that endocrinologists and patients should discuss the risks and benefits and make a decision and then to carefully monitor the results. To include progesterone in MTF TS HRT runs the risks of potential serious side effects. To not include progesterone runs the risk of having unsatisfactory breast development that leads to the breast augmentation surgical risks including loss of sensitivity, pain, absorption and encapsulation (Pitanguy, 2007; vanElk, et al. 2009 Kaasa, T. et al. 2010; Araco, A. 2011, Walters, 2012). The 50% risk of needing to have breast augmentation is clearly too high. There is not currently enough information to make these decisions with formal quantified risk assessments because of the dearth of published scientific evidenced-based research. We can, with some certainty, rule out advice to otherwise non-underweight patients to gain weight in order to have bigger breasts because of the well-established risks of being overweight. At the risk of repeating, given the dearth of research results and the resulting unquantified risks, we can conclude with great certainty that MTF TS HRT should not be undertaken without careful monitoring by an endocrinologist experienced in this area.

      Finally, we ought to be researching and considering new, innovative approaches to MTF TS transition such as:
• Should progesterone be given on a menstrual-cycle-like schedule during HRT to mimic natal female development? (I am told some do-it-yourselfers actually use this approach.)
• Should progesterone be given after several years of non-progesterone HRT when estrogen development stops, just as natal female breast development occurs with menstrual and pregnancy progesterone? This would require objective measurement of breast size and growth that is not consistently done at present. Cup size is just too inaccurate. Breast “sizers” (Pitanguy, 2007) or laser metrology may do the trick.
• Should HRT be the initial part of transition? Why not just start with breast augmentation without hormones, followed by Sexual Reconstructive Surgery and then HRT? This would reduce the potential risks from testosterone blockers. (I am told this is compatible with WPATH guidelines and has already been use with some patients.)," (http://biopsychologytstg.cniib.com/Biopsychology_TSTG/?p=83).

to be continued...
(P.S. sorry for any typos, I'm not proofing these or editing them a lot before posting them for reading, I hope any misstatements or typos are minimal enough that the intended message is still being received.)

Ch 14: Gender Dysphoria as a physical condition and how it leads to other mental conditions

I hope everyone is doing well today,

   In talking to others and doing some research and looking at my own situation today I looked at the prevalence of personality disorders which are a mental condition among transgender individuals.  Because generally the gender dysphoria itself isn't considered a mental issue, and is a fixable physical issue, or is at least starting to be viewed that way.  But in either case, the issues that surround being transgender generally cause stress, anxiety, depression and other issues which are viewed as mental issues.

    "Sex is assigned at birth, refers to one’s biological status as either male or female, and is associated primarily with physical attributes such as chromosomes, hormone prevalence, and external and internal anatomy.  Gender refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviors, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for boys and men or girls and women. These influence the ways that people act, interact, and feel about themselves. While aspects of biological sex are similar across different cultures, aspects of gender may differ. Various conditions that lead to atypical development of physical sex  characteristics are collectively referred to as intersex conditions," (http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf).

   The statistics said that at least for transgender individuals who also have a chemical dependency they have almost double the likelihood of having some other type of personality disorder.  The most common disorders being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and other Anxiety or control issues.  These disorders are developed as the transgender individual grows up having to hide from society and learns behaviors to overcompensate for their lack of masculine or feminine traits.

   OCD can develop from children who try to overcompensate and obsess over worrying someone is going to find out their 'secret' which to them is something that they aren't supposed to express because generally speaking we as a society link birth sex to gender quite often.  Borderline Personality can come from not focusing on oneself for a long period of time, and then in realization of the transgender state or 'condition' they become very self absorbed and have a hard time considering other peoples needs.  And control issues can come up from similar states to OCD but in relation to having to control all aspects of life in order to ensure a safe environment out of fear of discrimination, hate or that in general things may just fall apart.

   "A psychological state is considered a mental disorder only if it causes significant distress or disability. Many transgender people do not experience their gender as distressing or disabling, which implies that identifying as transgender does not constitute a mental disorder. For these individuals, the significant problem is finding affordable resources, such as counseling, hormone therapy, medical procedures, and the social support necessary to freely express their gender identity and minimize discrimination. Many other obstacles may lead to distress, including a lack of acceptance within society, direct or indirect experiences with discrimination, or assault. These experiences may lead many transgender people to suffer with anxiety, depression, or related disorders at higher rates than nontransgender persons.  
   In the United States, payment for health care treatment by insurance companies, Medicare, and Medicaid must be for a specific “disorder,” defined as a condition within the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). According to DSM-IV , people who experience intense, persistent gender incongruence can be given the diagnosis of gender identity disorder. This diagnosis is highly controversial among some mental health professionals and transgender communities.  Some contend that the diagnosis inappropriately pathologizes gender noncongruence and should be eliminated. Others argue that it is essential to retain the diagnosis to ensure access to care," (http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/transgender.pdf).
.
   So, I came upon this topic in discussing my own personality as a 'fixer' or someone who sees a problem and wants to take care of it.  Many 'men' do this as they are taught that they are the caretaker, the one to provide for the family and look out for their protection.  This can be viewed as a type of OCD, and I will be honest when I first got together with my wife I was very controlling and didn't really want to have someone else coming into my life and messing with the order of my 'chi' so to speak.

   In discussing the issue, I looked at it from a social standpoint and thought that it is likely that many transgender individuals from their own experiences can sometimes be very generous souls.  In saying this I'm talking about the need and want to take care of others in their own way, however this puts us in a dangerous situation where we can easily be taken advantage of.  Of course for some reason we tend to almost attract those people who are the 'takers' as we are willing and get validation of our self-worth by giving what we can freely.  However, as you can see if your always giving and never taking the balance of any relationship can become very lopsided and while your helping the other person it can sometimes be at the detriment of your own health.

   The other hard truth I had to learn, is that while it's painful to see loved ones fail, you CANNOT save everyone and trying to not only usually doesn't help the other person with what they actually need but enables them and hurts you in the process.  Allowing them to fail and learn their own lessons they become self-sufficient and largely can learn and cope much better in the world by being able to earn a level of independence.   It is really hard to let go of that control, and let someone do something you know isn't going to work especially when you get validation in terms of self-worth through low self-esteem by helping others, but in the long run it is healthier not only for you as the giver, but them as the taker as well.

to be continued...

Ch 13: Gender Discussion and Reaching your Breaking Point, how to know when you need to 'come out'

     Today I want to invite anyone who has a particular topic they would like to see discussed to post a response or email me directly at draglizar@gmail.com to help facilitate the conversation.  Because while it is helpful to me to share my story my end goal is to be helpful to others and starting a back and forth dialog I believe is the first step to appropriately engage the community.  I also want to reference the fact that I will jump back and forth between the story and current gender variant issues to make sure the story itself and individual chapters stay relevant to the 'trans' community.

   Once again I hope what you've read so far has been helpful and if there are stories you would like to share, or opinions in how I can reach a larger audience or make topics more relevant for my readers please share those ideas as I'm not opposed to growing and expanding as I write.  Any Trans artists out there I want to start today by letting you know about the new transgender startup magazine:  Here is literary journal startup  http://themlit.com  "THEM is a literary journal of trans* writers. As such only authors that identify within the trans* umbrella will be considered."  Secondly congratulations to Delaware on being the 11th State to pass marriage equality for gay and lesbian individuals.

   Ok, now sidetracking a little bit as I found this interesting and didn't know it until I searched for it, and am surprised how little positive 'trans' news hits the main stream media that I wanted to share it here for others who may be interested to see. 

    "Lana Wachowski Receives HRC Visibility Award
10/25/2012
Lana Wachowski, the critically acclaimed director of the Matrix trilogy and the new movie Cloud Atlas, opened up about her journey as a transgender woman while receiving HRC’s Visibility Award in San Francisco in October. Wachowski shared her highly personal story in hopes that her words could serve as a beacon of hope for gender non-conforming youth who feel the same discouragement and isolation she felt as a young person," (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/video-lana-wachowski-receives-hrc-visibility-award). 

   If you follow the source link they also post a video on her speech given for accepting the HRC Award.  By her example and others like her, I hope to one day be able to stand up and state my story and do some public speaking events to spread awareness.  Overall, just nice to see some positive news every once in a while.

   Now staying with HRC, I read the Transgender Visability Guide they have posted today and wanted to talk about coming out, where, when and how.  Here is the link to the PDF of the guide published by HRC as free information: http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/transgender-visibility-guide. 

  So to start with the introduction the HRC uses the term transgender differently than many of us use it and define it in their opening remarks. "But for those whose gender identity or innate sense of their own gender doesn't match with that assigned to them at birth, unraveling and expressing it can be complex and difficult.

   Many of these individuals come to identify as 'transgender,' an umbrella term that describes a wide range of people who experience or express their gender in different, sometimes non-traditional ways.

   Those of us who identify as transgender must make deeply personal decisions about when and even whether to disclose and be open about who we are with ourselves and others - even when it isn't easy," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf).

   A lot of times as we have discussed before but I will go into more detail now, we are taught to think in terms of male and female as black and white absolutes.  Now even beyond male to female and female to male individuals, based on the HRC definition of transgender they include crossdressers, gender ambiguous individuals (meaning individuals who do not want to be either male or female or want to be seen as both) and any other gender non-conforming individual.  We all face our own issues and problems and each instance is unique so I can only speak from my experience and share in this discussion what has worked for me.

   "Some transgender people who wish to disclose this truth about themselves to others have reached a breaking point in their lives where it's too difficult to hide who they are any longer.

   Whether it's the cross-dresser burdened with a secret he or she has hidden from his or her spouse, or a young lesbian who feels she doesn't fit into a traditional gender role, transgender people often feel compelled to share who they are in order to build stronger and more authentic relationships with those closest to them.

   After disclosure, many people feel as if a great weight has been lifted from their shoulders.  In the process of sharing who they are, they may also break down stereotypes and other barriers by living more open lives," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf).

   For me, I reached this point probably a little more than a year ago, I was tired of sitting at work and not being able to talk about dresses or other feminine topics.  I was tired of hiding my true self and feeling like I was living a lie, so I had to talk to someone.  Now I had been having this struggle with my wife for about five years, now a little over 6 years ago I had started cross-dressing again, after we got married settled down and I was beginning to feel more confident in myself.  I didn't hide anything from my wife as I experimented with what exactly my inner feelings meant.  Granted I probably didn't tell her as much as she would have liked, and we were going through other marriage issues that had nothing to do with the gender dysphoria.  So after a couple years of doing this, I realized it wasn't enough, my therapists told me to go out and buy pink 'male' shirts and to try to express myself in a feminine way that wouldn't jeopardize my marriage. 

   I remember vividly the breaking point though, the 'ah-ha' moment where I had thought about it, was excited about it, drove to see my counselor at the time that night, walked into his office sat down and said, "Everything makes sense now, I'm a woman."  And in looking over my life I was able to piece together why I felt like such an outcast and was struggling with these inner feelings so much.  While at the time when I was a child I was so focused on taking care of everyone else I didn't stop and take the time to look at my own issues and ask myself the question of  'Who are you?' Then in college I began to ask myself those questions in Human Sexuality and other courses, but then I met this wonderful woman who became my wife and once again I buried the feelings because she wanted and married a 'man' so I had to be a man.  Then after a couple years of marriage I had as I stated above started coming out of my shell as I gained confidence in myself, and finally I got to the point where I felt like I was suffocating.  Like all the lies to people about saying I'm a guy amounted to this huge pile of guilt that I didn't know how to handle. 

   After my 'ah-ha' moment I talked to my wife about the idea, and she was concerned and didn't want to lose her 'husband,' so once again I tried to burry my feelings for the sake of the marriage to take my wife's needs and considerations first before my own.  Granted at this point in time the whole idea was very new to my wife and from her perspective she may have seen me as being selfish, but from my perspective I was being selfless.  This confusion and miscommunication especially if your trying to convince your partner that you are 'right' causes a lot more strife than just saying 'I understand how you feel, though I don't feel the same way I can respect where your coming from.'  By acknowledging the feelings and focusing on the expression of what the other is feeling instead of who is 'right' and 'wrong' you can both put yourself in the other position and see how they could feel that way.

  As, HRC states, I did feel a huge weight come off my shoulders after I had figured out what my issue was and to some degree who I was.  While many of you may find my experiences helpful in your own decisions it's important to remember that, "You have the right and the responsibility to decide how, where, when and even whether to share your identity with others, based on what's right for you," (http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/transgender_visibility_guide_042013.pdf).  It's also important to remember that if you do confide in someone this type of information tends to spread quickly, so if you don't want your friend or significant other to tell anyone else it's important that you state that.

  So, after the 5 years of struggling along with trying to meet my wife's needs and express myself as female without actually being female I came to my boiling point.  We went to couples counseling one night and I sat down, looked at my wife and told her with a straight face that I was transgendered, and that I needed to move forward in the process for my own well being and happiness, and that hopefully the change would have a positive impact and bring those around me closer to knowing the true me.  At this point I told her I understand if you can't handle the situation I am going through, and it is not necessary for you to stay if you so choose.  We left the meeting and went to dinner, sat quietly and didn't say much, at this point kind of thinking we may be broken up, but then we got home and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said 'I can't imagine a life without you, I want to try to make it work.'  So we both acknowledged that we still loved each other and wanted to move forward.

  From here in the 'coming out' scheme, I talked to my mother, my brothers, a couple close friends or co-workers in one on one settings asking them to keep the information to themselves as I wanted to be the source of disclosure to others.  I then wrote a letter, one for co-workers who weren't upper management and one for other family and friends.  I had the letter written for a few months before sending it, after reading 'She's Not There,' and trying to determine the timing of the release of information.  Overall after I sent the letter I had a high number of positive responses and largely didn't hear any negative responses.  However, I was and still am waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop where someone is going to have a highly negative reaction and part of myself is trying to 'harden' or prepare myself for that negative reaction, though feeling like it is going to happen some day does cause a lot of anxiety, so I probably have to let it go and be more optimistic about the kind-hearted people of the world.

  In the end, those are the methods that worked for me, and I think that not hiding the process as I began to cross-dress and things from my wife helped go a long way with her being able to get small doses of exposure and accept me a little bit at a time.  But perhaps I will ask her to write something from her perspective to share with you, she tends to be shy about these sorts of things, but maybe I can convince her even if it is only a one time thing.  Overall we all change as we grow, and in relationships, whether friendships or intimate we have to learn to change with those we love otherwise we tend to lose good friends and lovers.

to be continued...
 

Ch 12: Married Life, and how my pets have come to save my life every day of the year

Hello everyone,

    So, after talking about a couple topics in friendship and ongoing concerns for how others adjust to us as we grow I will now return to my story.  The kiss had just happened in the hallway of our apartment, I had a feeling that it wasn't a very good kiss, but I didn't have much practice so I guess I couldn't expect much of my skills.  Either way the next day, I played hooky from school and took my wife to be out to breakfast, we hung out and just talked for a long while eating our bagels.  And then went down and walked along the shore of Lake Champlain from the Vermont side, sitting there on some rocks watching the water with the sun shining down on us looking at each other with eyes of wonder that we both seemed to actually like each other.

    I believe we ended up spending most of the day together, and that evening my wife to be moved into my room.  While I wasn't aware she was moving into my room and thought we were just sleeping in the same bed it soon became apparent that more and more of her belongings were making their way over to my room.  After a while dating we ended up getting a cat together, our first baby as we say, she was a black cat who had quite the personality.  When we got her to the apartment she ran into another one of our roomates room and climbed up into her box spring, refusing to get out I had to get her out myself.  After a day or two in the house we could tell the cat had a cold or something and wasn't eating her food or anything, so I made her some chicken noodle soup which she finally drank a little of.  I was thinking she was all stuffed up and maybe couldn't smell the food, so perhaps the warm scent of the chicken broth helped break up some of the congestion.  But then it had been almost a week and she seemed to be getting worse, so we were saying if she doesn't get better soon we are going to have to take her back.  Of course as soon as we said that she was bouncing around and very playful the next day as if she had never been sick.

    I have to say I never thought I would be a pet person as I didn't have any growing up, well we had fish for a while but it's not the same.  I think perhaps I grew up being afraid of dogs as they barked at me all the time etc.  But then having that connection with this creature yourself, and just having something there that loves you truly unconditionally is a reward all of it's own.  Not to mention studies have shown that having a pet helps with depression and owners of pets generally live longer and happier lives.  So there has to be something to it.

   We now have three cats and two dogs.  Having bought a house three years ago we have grown our 'family' as we have the space to do it and are able to set our own rules for our house not being held to a lease agreement.  Either way, in a lot of ways I think having something that depends on you like a pet can stave off the bad thoughts, because in a lot of instances if something happens to you what happens to your baby?

  Unfortunately, Depression and suicidal thoughts along with the attempts themselves as we learned in previous chapters come with the gender dysphoria.  Largely though these 'symptoms' are caused by suppressing the true self and acting out of fear.  Then when we do 'come out' to the world and represent as ourselves, the anxiety and fears surround us as we are afraid of the harassment and discrimination we may face from the rest of the world.  Largely these judgments and the Jerry Springer era set up a bad precedent and created harsh stereo types to the point of which to some transgendered individual, even referring to them as 'trans,' 'tranny,' etc. is considered highly offensive.  A log of times we don't know what terms to use, so it's important to listen to the gender dysphoric individual and how they refer to themselves for clues, and if confused or unsure just ask what they want to be referred to as. 

   Again this leads us back to the male to female discussion.  And the term trans-gender in it's root is meant to be the transition of gender and I feel it's important to reiterate that trans-gender has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  However and again the large reason why the term 'trans' can be considered offensive is because of the stereotypes now associated with the term because the only images the general public have largely seen of these types of individuals shows them as 'freaks' or 'weirdo's' or sexual deviants.  When in reality we are just as normal as everyone else, and don't respond well to judgement largely because we are so used to having to try to fight for simple rights that even the smallest things can sometimes make us defensive.

   We have to realize in ourselves too when those defensive responses happen and if they are based on past experience the defensive 'stance' may not be appropriate for the situation we find ourselves in.  Either way, we can accidentally reinforce stereotypes by getting upset easily, and may appear 'crazy' to others when all we really want is to be accepted for who we are.  As we learned in Chapter 11, being a friend to a transgendered individual can be relatively easy as most of the validation we want, crave and look for are actually very simple gestures most of society forget about because they are second nature when dealing with biologically male or female individuals.

to be continued ...

Ch 11: Communication and How to be a good friend to a Gender Dysphoric Person

Good evening, afternoon, morning:

I was looking around doing some more research and found this interesting wiki article.  Now I know I usually hate Wikipedia as much as the next person, but every once in a while they have something useful.  So I thought I would share, the article and posting is titled How to Be a Good Friend to Someone with Gender Dysphoria:

"1.Help them by listening. Your friend will definitely have lows.

2. Don't avoid the situation. Don't try and totally ignore the fact they they have Gender Dysphoria, because they will need to talk about it.

3. Don't always talk about the condition, either, and avoid the term "disorder".

4. Always refer your friend as being the gender he or she is inside; avoid "he" for male-assigned girls and "she" for female-assigned boys. There are also many other pronouns that people may use, most commonly if they are non-binary. If you're not sure what pronouns to use for your friend in public (for example, if they still live as their biological gender), ask! You don't want to accidentally out them. Outing people can place them in severe danger.

5. Compliment your friend. If your friend is a woman who was coercively male-assigned at birth (CAMAB), point out something pretty about her when you meet; don't overdo this though, actually find a good point - don't lie to her. If she's wearing cute shoes, or her hair looks especially nice, say so! Transguys like this too! If they seem especially "manly" or handsome that day, they'd probably love to hear it, even if they grumble and try to act like they don't care. If they don't look good, mental qualities are very safe ground for true compliments. She's got an eye for fashion. He's great for remembering all the sports scores. Things that they are genuinely strong in. Don't always keep it to appearance or they may start to feel even more self conscious about how they look.

6. If your friend is a woman, invite her to your girly nights as this will do a lot for her self-esteem. Conversely, if your friend is a guy, ask him to hang out with you and do guy-things.

7. Ask for small favors appropriate to the gender your friend is inside. With a transwoman, ask her if she'd mind helping you clean up sometime or go shopping with you, girl things. If you're a guy, compliment her for being really good at the girl things. If you're hanging out with a transman, ask him to carry your packages, smile and appreciate it if he holds the door, ask him to get the firewood, things like that. Small gender-related compliments along with these expectations can go so deep to help a transperson feel accepted. "Butch can get that stuff down from the top shelf, he's so strong. Hey Butch, would you pull the grill down so we can barbecue?" That kind of thing. Not like overdoing it, like you would with anyone of their age, health and gender. "Dear, would you please arrange the flowers? I know you've got an eye for that." No matter what they look like, these little gendered encounters go on all the time for most people and get taken for granted. They're water in the desert to someone who's been long burned by never being accepted as who they are. Don't be surprised at occasional thanks much bigger than a small favor merits, that only means that what you did meant that much to them.

8.  Help them with same sex bathrooms. If you're their inside gender, going in first to see if anyone's in there and beckoning them in, then standing guard is a very big favor. Most people in transition have a hard time finding a bathroom they can use, at some stages they can get trouble in either bathroom. When planning outings, scout ahead for where any mixed-use single user bathrooms are. Some places have disabled bathrooms set up separately from male or female with just one toilet in it. Anytime a friend checks this out first may save them a lot of embarrassment in the search," (http://www.wikihow.com/Be-a-Good-Friend-to-Someone-with-Gender-Dysphoria).

I find these rules and guides especially true for male to female transgendered individuals.  This being said because, while we in society don't like to talk about it, it is true that men have it easier then women.  So to go from the top of the proverbial food chain, to the bottom is quite difficult.  The looks and the inappropriate gestures and the overall flat 'piggish' behavior of many men is once again appalling.

And in doing some research once again I came across this statement of information that I thought was really well put.  "Although my life has not been entirely free of transphobia and cissexism, the majority of discrimination I’ve dealt with has been in the form of misogyny and sexual objectification. And as said, it took me completely off guard. Despite not having been totally ignorant of the existence of sexism, I had had absolutely no idea just how common and ubiquitous sexual harassment and cat calls are. I mean, really… GOD DAMN. Like a lot of guys, I thought it was something that only a few creeps did, and usually only happened to especially pretty young women, and would be something that would only happen every once in awhile. NOT several times a week.

Several times a week, yes. And once four times over the course of a single particularly hot August day when I chose to wear a slinky spaghetti-strap dress without a cardigan or jacket. But immediately upon going full-time, regardless of how I was dressed, sexual harassment became a constant element of my life. Cat calls. Dudes telling me how much of a cutie I am as I pass by. Guys proudly announcing that they’d like to fuck me. Getting a blatant up-down once over look as a man wears a disgusting grin. Being ordered to smile. “Gimme a smile, baby”. I’ll look prettier if I smile. Apparently. Never mind my actual feelings or mood. Being pretty is what counts! Apparently. “YOU! I love YOU most! I would tap that so hard!”… “Hey I’m single if you want a quickie, babe”… etc. etc. etc.

 For awhile, I toyed with the idea of just responding by shouting “I HAVE A PENIS!” as loudly as possible, to see if I could make them as uncomfortable as they had just made me. But then I remembered that’s a really good way to get myself killed. Especially given how much sexual harassment and cat calls are based around insecure men feeling the need to assert their masculinity through emotional control and dominance," (http://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/03/07/sacrificing-privilege/).

While I have yet to experience a lot of this first hand I understand the feeling, and also know the craving and want to have female friends.  While girls can be a bit catty, you are never going to go out dancing with a bunch of guy friends, or hang out and teach each other the proper way to put on makeup.  Having jewelry parties and other types of events are generally 'girls' only, and for someone like me it is very hard to get invited or find some friends who will treat me just like one of the girls.

I did have one friend once, who I found through the internet, and it didn't end up working out.  We hung out a few times, talked a lot and were what I thought was best friends for a few weeks, maybe a month.  But at the time I was exploring my inner feelings and ended up talking to her about the idea of being gay, or at least the idea of being a straight female.  I made the mistake of making it look like I was planning on leaving my wife, when in all reality I love her very much and messed up the friendship.  Regardless I have very few friends now, and find as I get older, it's very hard to make new friends with a majority of time spent at work, and the fact that I don't go out to the bars drinking a lot there are very few activities to meet new people and make genuine lasting friendships.

I hope if anything I've learned from past friendships, though this world of female communication and the rules of friendship seem very new to me.  Learning in psychology that males and females are taught very differently growing up how to behave and how to interact.  While males tend to make friends through competition and doing activities, girls tend to make friends through cooperation and teamwork.  It's quite the adjustment and taking some time to unlearn the years of information and bodily habits that I have come to know as second nature.

to be continued...

Ch 10: Obstacles, feels like the world is trying to hold me back from being myself

Busy weekend,

Got a lot done around the house, painting and moving furniture around etc.  My legs are burning, though I guess it's a good 'burn' seeing as it just shows how much I am out of shape.  Hope everyone had a great weekend as well, another busy week this week. 

Today, I have to say that I am tired, and not doing so well on the inside.  While I won't point fingers or name names, I will say that in those instances where I feel like I am 'forced' to present as a guy still is when I get the most anxious and depressed.  At this point it feels more than ever like I am lying to the world and not being allowed to be my true self.  Now I know in certain instances this may be discrimination, but it's a fine line to walk between making sure you keep friends and present yourself 'appropriately' and being able to express your own individual personality.

I know the day will come when I can do both with ease, and will no longer have this issue, but for now I think I am just impatient.  While I in general now consider everything I wear as 'female' clothes, there are definitely shirts and slacks that when I get a chance I may just have a big old bon-fire and purge myself of who I used to be, to as I referred to earlier be reborn.  I also know the name change and the 'she' and 'he's' are going to be hard for other people to get used to.  But at the same time I can tell you happily that I went out to dinner this weekend dressed as I wanted, got some funny looks and a few people who would stare.  But no one said anything inappropriate, granted it's a public setting with a lot of people and I had people present who were supportive of me, but I was happy to be able to not hide, to be myself and while I probably attracted some unwanted attention I was more relaxed and not as anxious being my true self.

I guess I just wish everyone would see the benefit to me not having to hide and that I would be happier, more productive and generally overall healthier if I could be true to myself in all facets of my life.  I suppose others in their ignorance, or fear are unable to see the positive side, and afraid of the change feel they have to put their 'foot' down.  I'm sure each situation has it's own motivators, and this is why it is hard to navigate and explain exactly how to handle situations or what steps to take, but I hope in writing you can see my story and learn from my mistakes and successes to be able to apply them to your own lives when needed.

I'm going to try to write again tonight, but just wanted to post something this morning on how I was doing as I had a busy weekend and wasn't able to write.  I intended to before I went to sleep but by the time I laid down, I was so tired, I just fell asleep.  I suppose this is another benefit of hard work and exercise, a good nights sleep, now if only I could do it on a regular basis and still fit the million things I need to do into every day.

to be continued...

Ch 9: How others May view our transitions

  Today I feel like sharing a poem, a self creation really but still helps to add some art to the 'drab' world.  So many of us are artists, creative and innovative but have a hard time being able to express that artistic ability for very few are lucky enough to be able to live off of art alone.


            We stand on the edge,
            The wind whipping through our hair,
             Looking for the rush,
             Looking to feel alive.
             Should we not always feel this way?
             To be ourselves,
              fully accepted,
              Understood and not ridiculed,
              But as we peer over the ledge,
              it is a long way down,
              will we survive the fall,
              so we can discover and be our true selves.


   I would like to say that I have come to accept my own reality and that it does not match everyone else's as we all tend to pick out what is important to us.  I forgive those in my life who have hurt me and realize I have to be the bigger person, in the end fighting fire with fire rarely works.  And honestly when others are angry at you they tend to try to goad you and bring you down with them.  Don't let them, don't fight back with fire, don't become what you despised so much in others.

   Relating a bit to bullying please refer to the link from last nights post in Ch 8 if you wish to review the stats on both in home and in school discrimination.  Again I'm not here to tell you how easy the journey is, it is incredibly difficult, and only through strength of will and support may we perceiver.  I know many of 'us' as gender dysphoric individuals hide who and what we are and many just want to be female if MtF or male if FtM but as we see that gender is on a sliding scale and can all relate to the idea that there are many facets of a person we need to band together to find a way to stop the hate, educate the public and in the end help all current and future gender non-conforming individuals.

   I have to be honest and let you know from personal experience and from things I have read but also been told by others, most families have a real hard time dealing with a change like this.  Naturally people don't like change and have a hard time accepting the fact in many cases that the person they knew is now 'someone' else.  In reality we remain the same people in many ways and the large difference is how everyone else views and treats us.  So, some teenagers report being kicked out of their homes when coming out to parents, some parents get divorced over arguing about what is going on with their child, relationships with siblings can become fractured and lost completely and that is just the immediate family.  For others not so vested in our future who rarely have to interact with us some may talk out against us, others may ignore the situation and distance themselves.  But as the quote from yesterday said, remember we as the gender dysphoric individual have been struggling with this our whole lives, our parents, friends and family all are dealing with these issues for the first time in many cases.

   Again while it is not completely true I will state that others have written and view the transition in some ways as a death and rebirth.  For many we know it may seem that way because they operate on a while new set of rules on how to interact with us based on what society prescribes.  Regardless of how things are viewed the standard for men and woman is still largely viewed as 'separate but equal.'  Granted women have earned many rights and fought closely for equality and some may now argue that women are fastly surpassing their male counterparts.  However, this all still shows that as society views things in male and female, black and white we want everyone to fit in a nice box but unfortunately we are all in some ways grey. 

to be continued ...