Back and excited to be writing again

I've had a very eventful year and a half since my last post at the end of December 2013.  With so many things going on I have had a hard time getting the time to sit down and write.

Where do I start?  A year and a half ago I was in a place where my unemployment had run out. I was in the middle of finishing my Masters Degree. And was trying to figure out where to go.  I had split with my ex and we were in the middle of a separation where we hadn't formally filed for divorce, but throughout 2013 with the money troubles and as I went further and further into my female self my ex became spiteful, and abusive.  While I understand she was upset that she was losing the 'man' she had married, I had been prepared when I came out to her that I had to go forward with being my true self to deal with divorce and what that entailed.  At the time, in October 2012, I wanted to do everything I could to make the transition in both my life and hers go smoothly.  I still cared about her and as she so poignantly wrote to me we had become more like 'sisters' and less like lovers.  This digression while I didn't write about it had been going on for some time, since when I had first slept with a man five years prior to that.

I felt constrained and held back in those five years, as I tried to navigate what was best for myself and what was best for the marriage and found that they were not the same thing.  During the 5 years leading up to my coming out and starting estrogen my ex put fences around me to try to contain what and how much I did.  I found myself with deep self-shame still, as she would say 'I don't mind if you dress up, it just has to be in private and I don't particularly want to see you that way.'  So perhaps she viewed it as cross-dressing to start, and it was fine for me to have this 'outlet' but as I grew more into it I found it wasn't an 'outlet' it was who I am.

Over those five years I was struggling within myself, in my twenties, discovering that trans existed, identifying with it, and then trying to figure out what my non-binary gender role meant in the context of society and how others judge and perceive us.  I was a 'white male' to the rest of society, top of the food chain, and enjoying all of the privilege that came with it.  When people bring transition up as a 'life-style' choice they don't understand the privilege, the life, and everything you give up when you go through transition.  It's literally like starting over, old friends may stick around but they knew you outwardly as someone else, family members, loved ones and others tend to 'grieve' the loss of who you where to them and have a hard time understanding that you are still the same person you've always been, it's just their perception that has changed.

So, after struggling for five years, pushing the boundaries of what my marriage meant, going from cross-dressing sometimes, to wearing women's undergarments all the time, to shaving my legs and wearing stockings under my pants.  All these small changes put a great rift in my relationship with my ex whom if I'm honest with myself probably wasn't right for me from the beginning.  Though I will say she gave me a semblance of stability, a constant, some support system that allowed me to explore myself for the first time without worrying about or wanting to care for everyone else in my life but myself.  Perhaps this was 'selfish' and some would even say I may have been 'using' my relationship with my ex for certain things, but at the same time I would say that we were likely 'using' each other, and neither one of us really had a healthy image of who we were, so as we changed so did our relationship, and now at thirty I am not the same person I was.

I am not the same person I was, so much as I am the same but again the perception is different.  I don't have a constant hatred of myself, I don't look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back, I am getting closer to feeling comfortable in my own body.  And that journey of finding yourself is a journey I believe we all take, trans or not, many are still searching for who they truly are on their death beds.  Now with finding and feeling true to myself, my life has not gotten easier, if anything it's harder, but I feel better about being honest with myself and being able to present my true self to the world.  I now struggle with sexism, being underpaid and overworked, being viewed as a 'bitch' for things that being viewed as a man I was praised for.

I have settled in to an understanding of myself, and am glad I had the upbringing and opportunity as a female to experience the male perception otherwise I wouldn't have known any better.  And honestly as I grew up and the way I was treated when I was on top of the food chain, I thought everyone was treated that way, only to come to find out when my situation changed that this is not the case.

After being let go for the second time in two years after tax season, my ex and I had used up our savings during the first period of unemployment and were limping by through the end of 2013.  That year though was hell for me, she got resentful, we weren't affectionate, she would judge every outfit I would wear, and struggled with letting me find my own way as a woman.  I was going through a second puberty and was in my mid twenties, learning things a thirteen year old girl learns when they are a teenager or younger.  Don't get me wrong I didn't forget the things I had learned and was taught in the way that I had grown up, I just quickly learned that what I did know that how I presented myself was not taken in the same light.  To wear a dress and still have the ingrained 'training' of communication styles, body language and other nuances of a man is not generally accepted very well by society as a whole.  So, to 'fit' in I felt I had to learn a whole new set of rules and I was struggling with them, asking myself the questions, 'but why?'

At the end of 2013, during my separation and after getting out the the hospital for being on suicide watch for the second time in my life I was lost.  I didn't know which way was up, I had sent out hundreds of resumes, many for jobs I was vastly overqualified for as I completed my masters degree. I couldn't get call backs, and when I did now presenting full time as female many would hear my voice and hang up the phone or not take the phone interview seriously just because who I was did not match what I sounded like.  While I can't prove any of these instances as discrimination, I know them to be, and felt many times, even in person that I was turned away more because of who I am and less because of what qualifications I did or did not possess.

On December 7th 2013, three days after being released from the hospital, with very little money, and feeling lonely I decided I needed to go out, stop sitting around on the computer writing and pondering over my life and actually make some real human connections.  The night before I had gone to a gay bar and met a couple of people that I hung out with and found amicable, now the funny thing is some of these guys were guys who I would have likely tried to date presenting as a 'man' but on estrogen, presenting as female it was a non-threatening atmosphere because very few if any of the gay guys were interested in me.  Honestly I was just looking for a hook up, a short quick fix to make me feel better temporarily and get rid of my loneliness for one night.  I was new to the scene and didn't fully understand how things worked, I would show up at  5pm when the bar opened and talk to the bartenders and other locals as I watched to see who would show up.  Largely a wall-flower, I left and went to a local friends house to sober up at 9pm, little did I know that after 9pm is when the night really begins.  So, as I was getting ready to head home, now about 11pm, I decided that I would go back into the bar and give it one last shot.

I walk in, go to sit over by the pool table, this girl with blonde hair, blue sparkling eyes, who was wearing a black and white checkered button down and carhartt jeans says 'hi.'   I reply 'hello' and walk by her and sit a bit away from her.  She was sitting next to a guy and reading the situation I thought they might have been a couple looking for a third.  I soon found out that was not the case as the guy got up to dance with another man, whom I would later find out was this women's father, she came over to me, said hello again and sat down to talk to me.

We talked a bit, and she offered to buy me a drink.  I was liking how forward this girl was, as she took charge of the situation, didn't play by gender stereotypes and was the first person ever to offer to buy me a drink.  Later that night, she initiated our first kiss, and we walked down to the beach, even though it was freezing to look at the stars and were just smiling and staring into each others eyes.

I dropped her off, where she met her father who was worried about her even though she was close to the same age as I was.  And promptly told him we had 'sex on the beach,' of course meaning the drink and not the action, though this for obvious reasons was confusing.  So I met my now fiancee at a gay bar because she was visiting her dad, and her dad who is gay wanted to go dancing.  She not expecting to meet anyone hadn't brought the clothes to get dressed up, and was able to let her guard down, so we were meeting the true selves of each other for the first time.

Fun With Makeup

Had fun putting makeup on, love the earings, and looking very happy.

Ch 49: Coming out of the darkness and back into the Light

    Ok, So I wrote a lot about my difficulties finding work and being misgendered and hinted at some of the other worries and issues those things can lead to, largely surrounding financial concerns.  You may ask as my counselors have, What keeps you going?  Where do you draw inspiration from?  What keeps you level and happy?

   All good questions, first I'd like to start with a short video about interconnectedness and how we awaken to the world and those around us:

Allan Watts is an author, philosopher and well respected individual, his words inspire many, and in listening to him and in searching for myself.  I will first answer the Question: What keeps you going?  I immensely enjoy helping other people, while it might seem silly to some, this is why I like a tax return, it's personal information that you are trying to take and get an individual the best results possible, I kind of look at it as doing a puzzle.  This is also why I enjoy blogging, hoping that others look at me and see me as an inspiration to keep going, to keep striving for something better, that they can do it, and that we will be successful. 

  Along the same lines it's funny how everything falls into place, but Emma did a wonderful video talking about overcoming bad feelings:

well apparently I can't embed this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpDPhBBQqxI&feature=c4-overview-vl

I did share it on my profile if you prefer to watch it that way.  So, what led me to see these videos, what let me to search for the how in the happiness factor?

   I'll tell you, I have been delving back into my spirituality and looking at the fact that emotionally and mentally I should be able to be rather stable no matter what the world throws at me.  Yes I have good days and bad days, as we all do.  But on the large, similar to the line from the new Will Smith movie, 'After Earth,' "Fear does not exist, it is a creation of the mind, and if we stop living in the future then we can be free of fear."  I have read parts of and will likely revisit it, Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now.'  But this idea that fear, and unhappiness are constructs of the mind really resonated with me, it really isn't how much stuff or what we have in life or even what we leave behind that is important, but really happiness is truly about what we believe and our expectations of the future.  If for example we expect a movie to be really good but it is only mediocre we will be disappointed, but if we expect that same movie to be bad when we go into the movie and its mediocre then we are pleasantly surprised.  So why hold these expectations of the future?

   All of this talk about constructs and beings and spirituality, along with faith and expectations got me thinking along the line of: 'well ok, if expectations and our mind constructs this fear and unhappiness, then how do we get around it?'  I know I'm answering a question with a question, but it's part of the journey that leads us to the answer, the real root in looking at everything isn't knowing what needs to be done but the 'how.'  So I moved forward from these ideas considering spirituality and faith in something beyond the physical world as the 'how.'  I have held to and taken parts of many religions in what I had previously held to, and understand that most basic level teachings of many religions can be found to be the same.  Love and be loved, respect those people around you, if you follow these two rules they can generally apply to everything else written after them.  So along that line and along the line of thinking of life as a journey along a path I came across Taoism in my studies of Buddhism way of life and meditation as a tool to help rid the mind of negative thinking.  I have been researching and doing a lot of reading from this source: http://www.taoism.net/ .

  I'm not trying to convert anyone, or tell anyone what they should believe, I respect every religion and what they mean to the people who believe in them.  I am merely stating this is where my own spiritual journey has led me and hope it will help others.  So as I look to the future now, I look at how in my job search and in my life because many of our lives are dominated by work or searching for work to make money to survive that I was beginning to lose hope on finding somewhere where I would fit in.  Where I would feel like I belonged, where I could find friends, but now I look to the future with hope, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and understand there is a path set out before me.  There is a journey that I have to take to get to the end of it, and everything about a journey is enjoying and experiencing the ride to the end, not reaching the end immediately.  So, I faced a little bit of adversity, so what?  By holding to these beliefs, building a strong core, and loving myself first I can take on the world if I have to, though really I don't even have to do that, because with that strong core and self-love I can begin to cherish others for who they are and open myself further to my own experience while not trying to judge or put others into a 'box' of their own.

  On that note, I will end with the happy news that I've reached 12 months on HRT, I saw my endocrinologist and my Estrogen and Testosterone levels are just outside the norm range for a female.  So I am continuing with my current medicine regime and now it's just a matter of time.  I will raise the money for the other procedures I need, and I am beautiful.  Here I share a recent photo, I found a cheap winter coat which I believe is super cute, and I'm liking very much because I look like a girl even in baggy clothes now.  It's a big step for me, and I'll continue to make more big steps.

Ch 48: Recent Happenings - The not so happy things

   Hello Everyone,

    It has been a while and I finally find myself back writing to you about what is going on in my life and what is happening to me as I continue my struggles forward.  I have divided this post into two parts to try to keep different concepts separate, one of the things that have brought me down, and then one on what I have been looking into recently to find myself not only as a growing woman but also as  a spiritual being.  I hope you have all been doing well yourselves and while I know writing is therapeutic there have been some things that to this day I still haven't been able to write about.  I will at some point share these aspects and things that have come bubbling up from my past that I had probably suppressed for a reason.

   Ok, recent happenings, since I last wrote I had been going down to Boston twice a week for three weeks to take part in a research study, where I got to meet some of my fellow sisters.  I will be honest to see the discrimination and place some of my sisters are in is disheartening, hearing stories still of trans girls dropping out of high-school because the bullying is too intense, hearing stories of these girls having to work for minimum wage and unable to get access to the healthcare and services needed for their transitions, then turning to sex trade to be able to afford basic things and actually pay for their transitions.  It's not an easy world out there for us, as we are one of the few and last groups that is largely unprotected, many of my sisters have died, and we remember them at our annual day of remembrance, but I also see that the world turns a blind eye.  Parents who have disowned their children, trans-women who wind up dead and police departments who decide it's a 'waist' of resources to investigate the death.  We are often the lost and forgotten, we are no different then anyone else, but people tend to fear what they don't know and shun them.

   For myself, I have yet to find a job, I'm up to having applied for about 250 jobs, not because I'm not capable, I believe I have stated my expertise before, but for those of you who want to see it in detail here is my resume:

Accounting and Finance Professional

Top-producing, accomplished, enthusiastic accountant with a distinguished career of 8+ years as an accounting professional.  Goal-oriented and results-driven with ability to utilize cutting-edge technologies to perform accounting functions needed.  Strong decision maker with a proactive management style.  Record of consistent achievement, proven P&L management skills, personal commitment, and positive growth.  Able to execute multiple projects simultaneously, communicate ideas to others, and bring functional groups together to achieve a common goal.  Team orientated, highly organized and committed.  Integrity is crucial to maintaining internal controls and performing all due diligence and attention to detail in every accounting and financial function.

 

Highlights of Qualifications

 

·         Master’s Degree from Southern New Hampshire University in Accounting / Finance

·         Bachelor’s Degree from Champlain College in Business Management – with focuses in Human Resources and Finance – graduated with honors

·         Ongoing communications with 26 clients that have established loyalty to my services and prefer to work with me over any other accounting professional

·         In-depth industry knowledge; proactive approach to forestall problems.

·         All requirements met for CPA exam, plan to sit and pass the exam within 2 years

·         Mastery in Excel, Word, Lotus, QuickBooks, Engagement, Accounting CS programs and Pro-Series

·         As part of a public accounting firm team, was selected and headed a number of financial audits; including audits, reviews and compilations

·         Diverse background, with experience in many areas from working in medium to small accounting firms was the point person on a wide variety of projects including payroll, bookkeeping, financial planning, amortization schedules, sales tax, quarterly, monthly and annual filings as required by law, budget planning, internal controls, reconciliations and month end close processes

·         Highly trusted individual and articulate communicator who functions effectively in a team atmosphere

 

Professional Credentials

 

PTIN issued by the IRS, valid for signing tax returns as needed including payroll tax returns.

CPA Certified – planned to be completed within 2 years.

 

Volunteer: Organizational Director

The Promise Place School                                                                                                                                    5/13 – Current

                Helping with accounting needs, through budgets, forecasts and finance meetings and planning.  Member

                of the Board of Directors; currently working on writing company policies and procedures including

                internal control documents, risk management documents, employee job descriptions and employee

                manuals.

 

Accountant

Accounting firm #3                                                                                                                                                  11/12 – 5/13

                Small public accounting firm, one of only two accountants in the office was in charge of reviewing

                and overseeing the bookkeepers work on tax returns, payroll, and financial reporting documents.

                In addition handled my own client load, and dealt with projects such as IRS audits, compilations,

                Corporate, Non-Profit, and Estate Tax Returns.  Also managed to bring in twenty-four new clients in

                a six month period of time.

 

Accountant

Accounting Firm #2                                                                                                                                               9/11 – 6/12

                Medium sized accounting firm, accountant as part of a team of accountants assigned projects

                by the CPAs of the firm, partners and manager level employees.  I was chosen to head some audits,

                compilations and reviews, took part in financial report preparation and mastered tax preparation of

                highly technical tax returns.  Within six months I had brought in nine new clients, competed and was one

                of the top contributors to marketing efforts, along with receiving and being recognized in the 2012 day of

                Caring.  Held an 89% realization rate for my first year with the firm.

 

Accountant

Accounting Firm #1                                                                                                                                                  9/07 – 1/12

                Small accounting firm, one of only two accountants in the office, effectively handled 60% of the client

                load by myself.  Developed a mastery of individual tax return preparation and bookkeeping skills,

                including mastery of QuickBooks, financial support, quarterly tax returns, payroll services and account

                management.  Also prepared and worked with Corporations, Non-profits and Estate returns and services.

 

 

Anyone interested in my services or who knows of a possible job lead, feel free to contact me through email and I will entertain possibilities.  But as you can see, I have 8 years of public accounting experience, have put myself out in the market to do volunteer work and keep my skills sharp by using them on a day to day basis.  I hope to find a company who can look beyond the outside cover and see what I am capable of, because I know I am a born leader, and just need a chance to show what I am capable of to be able to shine.  I don't fail, I may fall, and I may make a mistake, but anything I have done in my life I have found a way to get the education needed to make myself successful.  I understand not having a CPA may be holding me back, but unfortunately unemployed with very little money, I have little choice as I really need to take the refresher course which costs about $3,000 to take because I want to be successful and be able to pass the exams on the first tries and not throw funds away taking a test only to have to take it again. 

 

   Anyway,  I didn't get the one job I thought I was a perfect fit for that I nailed the interview for because of some internal restructuring they are doing.  I do likely have a guaranteed job with the School when we get the funding and get the facility up and running, though raising $10,000,000 is a big task, so I don't want to hold my breath and wait for a job that may or may not be there in 3 months, 6 months, a year or two years.  I'm sure the school will come into being, and I know there is a need for it, but getting everything off the ground in 12 months to open is optimistic.  I'm sure we will try our hardest to make it happen, and likely will have some form of opening in Jun 2014, though to what extent and what funding we have available to pay staff, I'm uncertain.

 

   With the job horizon looking dismal, I do know that during tax season I'm likely to be able to get a seasonal job from mid January - April 15th which is something.  Though honestly I'm tired of working 80-100 hour weeks for firms and then being laid off in the summer only to worry about where my next job is going to come from so I would much prefer a stable 40 hour a week job year round.  Though I'm sure many of us who are unemployed are in the same boat.

 

   That said, when I went into Boston I would say I was mis-gendered probably 50% of the time, being called sir instead of ma'am.  Mostly by vendors or individuals who I spoke to.  I know I need to work on my voice more proactively, I'm just not sure where to start and again a voice training therapist costs money.  I'm sure I'll get there, and I don't think my voice is THAT bad.  I'm sure there are cis women who get called sir all the time, I probably just have to get thicker skin, and over time the 'clocking' as we call it will diminish.  I always thought though that Boston would be more progressive, and don't understand why I actually have more issues in the city then I do here in Southern Maine.  When I go out here a lot of the time I get complimented on my bracelets, my new purse, and when my partner and I go out together we generally are called ladies. 

 

   We had some in-fighting among the transgender community, which really ticked me off.  Going a long distance to go to a meeting and talk to my sisters, only to have them fight amongst each other is hard.  I mean we face a lot of discrimination in the world outside dealing with strangers, I would hope that we could have some sympathy and understanding for one another to have a safe space to be able to be heard, understood and accepted.  One girl actually told me I should go interview and apply to jobs in 'boy' mode.  I said, no, that's not possible for me anymore, I can't imagine going backwards or having to 'pretend' again to put myself back in a box would be tragically disastrous.  I mean all my optimism about finding a job and moving on with my life was that I could now go to interviews as the real me, smile, impress and not have to be that 'boy' anymore.  I'm sorry to say it, for those of you who may not realize it but the 'boy/man' that was once Zax is dead, he's gone, I suppose he's still a part of me, but a lot of what others saw was me pretending to be something I wasn't.  So a lot of the behaviors, personality traits and other known factors have changed because I wasn't just lying to the world, I was lying to myself.  Regardless, the infighting among trans has to stop, we have to support each other band together and have safe havens so that we can be our true selves without persecution. 

 

   I know writing here, blogging and being an activist on twitter probably doesn't help me find a job either, unless it's related to that activism field.  But I'm not going to sit down and be quiet, there are too many of my trans brothers and sisters dying out in the world for me to not try to give my support, for me to not lend an ear and for me to at the very least offer words of encouragement.  People still ask me about the difficulties I've had and everything I'm going through and I tell them that I wouldn't change my decision for the world, choosing to be true to myself is more important than any job, any money, any physical possession.  So if I end up on the street, alone and starving, so be it, I will die as myself, not spending 60+ years trapped in a prison of my own creation.  Now I know maybe that's not the inspiration you're looking for, and it's hard to hear.  I hope my own situation doesn't come to that, but when I stare the decision in the face and am looking at a worst case scenario, I would still transition because the pain and difficulties of not being true to myself is worse then death.

Poetry - Some Old, Some New - Wanted to Share

Inside

 

Everything seems to be fine on the surface,
But beneath things are moving,
Everything is disturbed.
As you do not let it out,
Feeling safer with no friends truly close,
But always wondering,
What it would be like to actually let someone inside,
Leaving yourself totally vulnerable,
Not knowing if your friends will use what you tell them for good,
Or if they will stab you in the back,
As you learn from your mistakes,
Learning to be cautious,
Watching,
Searching,
And waiting,
Not knowing who to trust,
Yet always wanting to find that perfect one,
To hold,
And just appreciate you,
Yet sometimes even that seems to be too much to ask.

 

- An old poem I wrote. Wanted to share.

-Becca

 

 

Darkness

 

As your friends seem to become your foes,
as life turns upsidedown,
and you have no one to turn to,
you run,
hiding yourself,
finding it easier to shrowed yourself in the darkness,
than to come out into the light,
first because everyone puts you down,
and you say,
someday my time will come,
and things will get better,
yet those same friends talk behind your back,
with an unknown purpose,
so you cower in the corner,
and find yourself alone,
looking for one thing,
comfort,
and someone to confine all your life in,
so living can become bearable.

 

- another old poem I wrote, a bit darker than some of the others - thus the title darkness

-Becca

 

Cool Winter Evenings

 

Everywhere around me,
Things continue,
No matter how it feels to me,
Everyone goes on with their own lives,
Each of us an ant,
Within a galaxy so vast,
With something so large,
You would begin to believe,
It is impossible to fill it up completely,
But with the cool winter air,
And the hue of the city lights,
Reflecting their orange glare off the clouds,
My world could not feel more complete,
As I sit with my whole galaxy,
Wrapped and entwined,
As if predestined,
With someone,
Where I cannot fully explain with words how it feels,
I do know that the galaxy is complete,
My world is full.

 

- Big thinker that I was, it's fun to look back and see what I was writing about years ago.

-Becca

 

These three poems above I wrote in High School, interesting how even then I knew something was out of place, unfortunately as you all know from reading earlier posts I was unable to delve deeper into these feelings to find out what they truly meant until a few years down the road.

 

Something is Missing

  Shoes,
  Dresses,
  Blouses and skirts,
  Oh the things I was missing and didn't know it,
  Male mode,
  drab clothes,
  blending in,
  or fading away,
  The life I left behind,
  Female mode,
  the choices,
  the light and beauty,
  the creativity and adventure,
  The life I now have,
  while it's not for everyone,
  I understand the feeling,
  the first time I took estrogen,
  how I was minerally deficient,
  and I had added a piece to myself,
  like a puzzle with the last missing piece,
  I was finally put together and complete.

-New creation
-Becca

Dating, Searching and finding our 'one'

   Dating,
   Love and Confusion,
   Were do we find ourselves,
   How do we know who to trust,
   A few who just want a 'ride',
   A few who are insincere,
   A few who are confused themselves,
   And a few who outright reject you,
   We hold to ourselves,
   And want others to see us as we are,
   To be loved,
   As we are,
   Not some potential of what we could be,
   But genuinely as we are,
   The feeling of being accepted,
   Opening up and having someone say 'yes,'
   That they want to be with you,
   They value you,
   Cherish you,
   And treat you like the princess you are,
   So,
   We go out in the world,
   Searching,
   Sometimes feeling like someone will come to us,
   Other times craving that companionship,
   We all have someone we match with,
   Likely more than one for some people,
   As they say,
   You are the 'one,'
   So I hope well all find our 'one,'
   To be with,
   To Cherish,
   And to treat as a prince or princess.

   -Becca

   - New Material.


Where are we going, Where did we come from?

   Where did we come from?
   Where are we going?
   I paddle down the river of life,
   Sometimes battling the current,
   Being pushed back and losing ground,
   Other times floating with the current,
   Relaxing and just letting life be,
   Why struggle against the inevitable?
   It's so much easier to just be,
   To be myself,
   To express myself,
   To stand up and yell from the mountaintops,
   I am woman,
   Have always been,
   It matters not how the rest of the world sees me,
   I'm curious though,
   Where are we going?
   Where did we come from?
   Especially when we fight the current,
   Or even go with it,
   Only to find that we are led to the edge,
   And topple over the waterfall,
   It's beautiful,
   But Where are we going?
   Where did we come from?

-Becca
-New Material

These three are all new, now being an artist in writing and expressing feeling, I hope I don't have to explain that each of these in their own way are not literal interpretations of my experiences, but will hopefully resonate with a wide audience and be understood differently by different people. 

Before and After Pics - Almost 12 months HRT

Before HRT.                                                                            12 months HRT.

Ch 47: Who Am I? A Trans Journey

I've been inspired by Emma B. to do some soul searching and go through this exercise,

     First I'll share the quotes and information that inspired me:

"NO JUDGMENT

      Everything in life holds both a blessing and a curse. We deny this when we label the events of our lives as either good or bad. The following old Zen story illustrates this lesson most effectively.

      A farmer had a horse but one day, the horse ran away and so the farmer and his son had to plow their fields themselves. Their neighbors said, "Oh, what bad luck that your horse ran away!" But the farmer replied, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?" 

      The next week, the horse returned to the farm, bringing a herd of wild horses with him. "What wonderful luck!" cried the neighbors, but the farmer responded, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
Then, the farmer's son was thrown as he tried to ride one of the wild horses, and he broke his leg. "Ah, such bad luck," sympathized the neighbors. Once again, the farmer responded, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?" 

      A short time later, the ruler of the country recruited all young men to join his army for battle. The son, with his broken leg, was left at home. "What good luck that your son was not forced into battle!" celebrated the neighbors. And the farmer remarked, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"

      "Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken."
-- Jean Jacques Rousseau"

     "Feeling a woman inside didn't mean that I was already able to express that. I had to learn to grow my womanhood. Also to accept that I will still have a masculine part inside of me. Every person on Earth has a feminine part and a masculine part, regardless of the gender. So being a woman doesn't mean, having only a feminine side. It means accepting both parts and expressing and growing both in a balanced way. The feminine part is for the intuition, the senses, the expression. The masculine part is for action. A woman that will live a balanced life (social and professional) is a woman who let those two parts exists in a beautiful balance," (Emma B).

"Being a woman

      The first question I asked myself was, what am I? Am I a transgender person, a trans, a transsexual, a “third-sex” person? As soon as I started to ask myself this I felt like there was something wrong with all those labels because I never felt like being something different inside than a “random” woman. I understand that society needs labels and that it push me to define myself differently from any kind of woman. I understood that many of us are feeling the need to be part of a community where is safe and where we are accepted without any question. But in the end I realized that, even if I don’t deny the importance of those communities, it didn’t really defined how I felt inside. I’m a woman, we are women …. period. I was born this way and all I want now to express, is my true-self. Being born in the wrong body is an extreme experience that made me suffer a lot all my life. It changed my perception on the world, on me.
I started by hating myself and hating the society for the way I’d be treated if I was to express myself. In time I understood that I’ll not be able to change society (at least not by hating it) and to accept the reality. I’ve been through all phases: hate, despair, not caring anymore and in the end acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that I’m a real woman, whatever form I have. That, part of the society, will always judge and consider me like an “alien” or a “deviant” person, but the switch was made when I started not to define myself this way anymore. The first person, who was thinking about me this way, was ... me. So by stopping to define myself other than a woman, I started to be one and to express my womanhood.

      Being a woman is not a concept. It’s a process. "One is not born a woman, one becomes one" said Simone de Beauvoir. Women are not born with the characteristics of a woman, other than the physical characteristics. We create the women inside of us. We grow it and express it in the best possible way. It’s a process that’s true for every kind of woman, regardless of the way they were born," (Emma B.).

     Even cisgirls go through the process of becoming a woman, we all go through rituals and information through our upbringing to become the men or women that we grow up to be.  Personally I think I choose to identify trans in an opportunity to help others of my community.  While inside I feel the same as Emma that I have been a girl and am becoming the woman I was meant to be.  The process itself and the spirituality surrounding the situation I have discussed and believe that our soul is a perfect creation and that our bodies are merely vessels.  We look at being trans under all this stigma and deviation, but in reality it is a fixable, physical birth defect.  We are born with the wrong parts and that is all there is to it.

   Granted trans has come to mean many different things and others use the definition and identification in a different manner, but I look at the idea of trans as being in 'transition.'  It is the period of time where the physical condition is being corrected and we are different on the inside than the physical parts we possess.  In the end when the process is complete I will be a woman of my own making, and while I will share my story, tell others and be proud of my trans heritage, I will technically no longer be in transition.

    We look at this idea of transition, and I wrote a while ago about the sliding scale of gender about how we all have masculine and feminine features.  In reality though everyone is in constant flux, we all have moving pieces that we hide, hold onto, or relish in and try to share with the world.  We are all in constant search mode on our self-discoveries, which is why I guess I have a hard time wrapping my head around why others have such a hard time understanding the trans condition.  I suppose it is ignorance, misinformation and the stigma general society puts on us as a population, we are the rare of the rare, and part of that is special, but part of that puts us on an island where even within our sisterhood we have a hard time identifying friends and finding others to identify with because trans covers such a broad spectrum.

   I'll be honest, recently I have been struggling immensely with my self-growth and development, I have been stuck in the future and am largely afraid of ending like so many trans sisters before me, out on the street forced into a world of sex work and drugs that I never thought in a million years I would have to deal with.  I'm not holding a stigma to that type of work and understand that while it's illegal it is work, and many girls do it for survival, so no shade.  I'm just afraid because I haven't dealt with that world, I haven't seen it, I haven't been a part of it, I'm white, highly educated, intelligent with a masters degree and have lived a privileged life to some degree.  I see that, I don't need others to point it out, but it makes it more difficult to deal with unemployment, the struggle to find a job, and to make a living.  Because I haven't dealt with these situations the newness of the situations makes the struggle immense, I'm ignorant, I haven't hardened my skin to this type of discrimination because I've always been successful.  Maybe I have to grow thicker skin, maybe I'll have to do things I never ever thought I would ever have to do just to be myself.  In either case I do know that I will not go back to being 'boy' presented because the trauma, emotional, dysphoria and everything else that would go along with that I truly believe would kill me.

   So, who am I now?